by Chi Ibe

What purpose exactly, does this elephant in the room, serve in the government of Goodluck Ebele Jonathan?

 

While we are on the subject of end of year lists, this one should be really important. There are certain people who have made it their business to ensure that we hear the sound of their voices in the New Year. We are sending this list up to Heaven as a prayer request – we want to hear them no more in 2013.

1. Osaze Peter Odemwingie: What is it about grown men that makes them lose all sense of… sense once they sign into Twitter? Osaze does it all – rant, whine, moan, and make a grand fool of himself as we have seen on full display over the past few weeks just because the national team made a wise decision to call him bluff. To matters worse, he can’t even string a correct English sentence together. Just go away, Peter.

(Read ‘Osaze lacks respect… We can’t continue to baby-sit him’ – Joseph Yobo HERE]

2. Doyin Okupe: What purpose exactly, does this elephant in the room, serve in the government of Goodluck Ebele Jonathan? We all know already that he is ineffective, making statements that rile even members of the President’s own party. And even though I evidently see that he enjoys the role of a lowly attack dog much too much, it still doesn’t make it right that  this administration has inflicted this torture upon us. If you must get an attack dog, at least get ones who thinks before he talks, Aso Rock please.

3. Kola Boof: Predictably, all hell will be let loose once her Google Alert informs her of this rare mention of her name in the media. Rare, but not for want of trying. From picking fights with Nigerian blogger Linda Ikeji (and then calling her “my sister” five minutes after) to claiming that she “deep throats” actor Djimon Honsou (who of course ran as far away from her as any sane man would), the once-upon-a-time author Kola Boof has been a machine of Twitter scandals and transparent attention-seeking. Unfortunately, she is not even nearly interesting enough.

4. Jim Iyke: This man certainly is in front of the list of those whose feet are permanently in their mouths, and it is mission successful: Iyke has in the past few months irrevocably de-mystified himself on social media. It is almost impossible to have followed his Twitter and Facebook rants – against real and perceived enemies, bloggers, baby mamas, haters from Abuja and those who accuse him of being an incurable gigolo – and still take him seriously. Then, to make matters worse, in the only one serious movie he did this year – Last Flight to Abuja – he also messed up. Jim, stop talking to the public. Lock yourself in a room and focus on giving yourself a good talking to. This is now an emergency.

[Read ‘Be my guest baaaaaaaaaastard’ – Blogger writes Jim Iyke a friendly letter’ HERE]

5. Donald Trump: Between all those moronic tweets he ends up deleting, the public put-down by his friend Barbara Walters, and reports that his children have let him away from his computer slowly, yeah you kind of have to feel sorry for Donald Trump. He has asked for Obama’s birth certificate, and been ridiculed for it, asked for his university degrees, suggested the United States elections were rigged, and had multiple nervous breakdowns in the full glare of the world over the past year. Is he having ANY sex at all?! ‘Cause you see, that can be a problem…

6. Dokubo Asari: Only in a country like Nigeria will a clown like Dokubo even be taken seriously, but here we are. The “former” militant who now sits on a Federal Government board now has a clear modus – when you get hungry, criticise Jonathan… and wait for manna to drop. He has said so many wildly contradictory things this year, and switched his position so very many times, I am surprised how he is able to even catch his breath. Someone, drown him in the creeks, please.

7. Labaran Maku: For thanking Goodluck Jonathan for bringing Facebook in Nigeria, this man just needs to go. Yes, I know he said this like 100 years ago, but I don’t care. He has not made any sense since then until now. He has to go. Enough is enough.

8. Femi Fani-Kayode: Bless his heart, you just have to wonder why Fani-Kayode is yet to kick off a successful career as a spy novelist. Seriously, anyone who can “reveal” the existence of blood sucking demons in the ministry of aviation, believe publicly in the existence of the Illuminati and try (and try and try again) to convince us that Barack Obama just might be the anti-Christ should be a literary legend. Very unfortunately, Fani-Kayode is damn serious about all these things he says. If I were a family member, seriously, I’d be very worried. Pray for him.

[Read ‘Femi Fani-Kayode asks: Can Obama be trusted?’ HERE]

9. Marilyn Ogar: If you don’t know her… Well you should. The spokesperson of the State Security Service is that angry, scary woman who comes on television frequently and says the very first thing that comes to her head. It could be “The SSS employs crazy-looking women who don’t have any sense of occasion and actually make us frightened if these are the kinds of people that work in the nation’s intelligence networks” and she will certainly say it. Just like that. No pausing to think. It would be funny, if her position wasn’t actually so important. Seriously don’t her bosses know just how BAD she is on TV?!

10. Charly Boy actually came out in public and said he has a female “person” inside of him called Linda. A grandfather said this! In PUBLIC! The end.