by Eliza Thompson

If one of you has been tasked with returning the other to your nemesis for ransom, great, because that will really give the whole situation a nice “forbidden fruit” vibe. 

1. Do it doggy-style. 

Really, this could be all ten tips. Do the Westerosi even know that other sex positions exist? Bonus points if you can find a ruined castle to use as the setting for your assignation. Try to make sure the son of your enemy isn’twatching through a window, though.

2. Incorporate strange foods.

The only thing the people of Westeros love more than a good roll in the hay is a fat helping of suckling pig. So why not incorporate the two and say, eat some lemon cakes off your partner’s body? If you’re feeling really committed, you could up the foreplay ante by devouring a still-beating horse heart in a room full of your closest friends and family. (Guys, I’m kidding, don’t ever do that).

3. Go cave-diving.

And by cave-diving, I mean have someone go down on you in a cave. Don’t worry, it’s totally what the lords do to their ladies in the south. Just don’t forget to finish up by flirtatiously saying, “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”

4. Use sex as a bribe. A Lannister always pays their debts — with sex. Make like Cersei and start trading sexual favors for household chores (or spots on the Small Council, if that’s what you’re into). “I’ll trade you one blow job for one cleaning of the bathroom,” for example, or “You go down on me and I’ll finally dust the TV set.”

5. Go outside. Do it like the Dothraki do: in the middle of the desert. If a desert is unavailable, your backyard might work, or a secluded beach. For added accuracy, call each other things like “moon of my life” and “my sun and stars.” It’s cheesy, yes, but if it’s good enough for Daenerys Stormborn, Mother of Dragons, it’s good enough for you.

6. Don’t use your words. Pretend you are Hodor for a night, and don’t say anything aloud except “Hodor.” You’ll only be able to understand each other by listening to subtle changes in intonation. This could be super sexy, or super hilarious, but either way, a fun night is guaranteed.

7. Take a bath together. If one of you has been tasked with returning the other to your nemesis for ransom, great, because that will really give the whole situation a nice “forbidden fruit” vibe. Optional: tie one hand behind your back so the other person has to help you wash.

8. Give a detailed lesson describing exactly what you want done to you. You know, “Touch here first, then here, then over there, then bring me a glass of Dornish red and pour it all over my breasts.” It helps if you do this in a brothel, and the entire conversation is actually a metaphor for your relationship with a political frenemy.

9. Utilize fire. The night is dark and full of terrors, so best light a fire to protect yourself/set the mood. Just make sure you use protection, because R’hllor knows you don’t want to deal with any accidental shadow babies.

10. Have sex on your period. Boom! Your very own Red Wedding.

And always remember that size doesn’t matter:

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.