“Nigerians are missing me,” says Dame Jonathan… in last week’s news with a pinch of salt

by Stanley Azuakola

Nigerians are missing me – Dame Patience

The wife of Nigeria’s Vice-President, Hajiya Amina Sambo, has turned down calls for her to step up and assume the role of acting first lady of the federation, saying she is not interested in the job, as she is loyal to her boss, Dame Patience Jonathan.

Some Nigerians have been worried that following the first lady’s continued absence; the very important duties of a first lady like organising thank-you tours and causing traffic have been left unattended to. But Hajiya Sambo has said that there is no vacuum in leadership.

Meanwhile, a source in the office of the first lady told A Pinch that Dame Patience is excited about the level of interest her absence is generating. The source said, when she heard how interested people were, she decided to postpone her return for another two months, saying “Nigerians are missing me well-well. I told them to make my position official and constitutional but they refused. I will so do them, that when I’m ready to come back, they’ll be begging me to make my office official.”

Three things A Pinch… saw and overheard last week

A Pinch… would like to share with you some of the things we saw and overheard this past week. We are not exactly sure where we heard or saw them though, so it might just have been in our head.

  1. A quote inside the in-flight magazine of one of the remaining surviving airlines in Nigeria: “What shall it profit a man to build a great business and allow Jimoh Ibrahim to buy it from him?”
  2. The president would soon fire his recently appointed attack dog, Doyin Okupe over the current allegations against him. In his place, CBN governor, Sanusi Lamido would be appointed. Sanusi who fancies himself as an effective attack dog, famously slamming ex-president Obasanjo last week, will bear the title of Chief Barker of Nigeria (CBN).
  3. President Jonathan hurriedly ended his foreign tour earlier than planned because of an epiphany he received. The president who had just visited Malawi to launch their Malawian National Cassava Master-plan felt bad afterwards. He was worried that the last time Nigeria helped a country in agriculture was Malaysia, and now they’ve surpassed us in oil palm plantations. He worried that since Malawi and Malaysia have similarities in how they are spelt, Malawi, “just like the other Mala- before it, will come and surpass Nigeria in cassava production” which is dear to his heart.

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

If it were in the days of old, songs would actually have been written and sung about the man, Dino Melaye. They would call him the loud politician who knows how to capitalise on situations for personal gain when in reality he wouldn’t have acted any different, the ex-legislator renowned for his physical combativeness, the serial political party switcher, and the self-confessed election rigger.

In light of the stunt he pulled last week, they’ll also call him the erratic, foul-mouthed leadership pretender. Melaye, an Action Congress of Nigeria stalwart, who obviously harbours hopes of standing for elections again in the future, was asked by one of his followers on twitter to explain one of his many bumbling positions. Rather than declining to respond or doing so with grace befitting a leader, this was his response: “You can take two liters of acid and shut up.”

Now pause for a moment and think about this: If that man was a Jonathan or a Fashola, do you think he would tolerate free speech or criticism? A Pinch… doesn’t think so. For his natural ability to surpass his previous levels of silliness, Dino Melaye takes the CeeCee this week.

Follow A Pinch…on twitter @stanleyazuakola

Editor’s Note: A Pinch…is satire.

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Comments (2)

  1. Interesting write-up. Enjoyed reading it. Funny and witty 🙂

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail