Olusegun Dada: A revised version of the Devil’s dictionary (Y! Politico)

by Olusegun Dada

Dada Olusegun

Name given to everyone opposed to any evil agenda of the GEJ administration, every other thing from bombings, rape and miscarriage is also blamed on them.

Nigeria and Nigerians operate by separate kind of rules. What may be weird in other climes is almost always in a norm in our nation. Which birthed my reason for scrambling together this new dictionary. Which may or may not best define words in the Nigerian context.

Note that some of these meanings are meant to be funny, some are mischievous and others are just the plain truth.

Police station: one of Nigeria’s biggest establishments where business is always on the boom, and the Nigerian masses are clients, they also have branch offices on the highways (I.e checkpoints)

Policeman: A frustrated Nigerian criminal with a government paycheck.

Cassava: Newly discovered Natural resource, discovered to worth more than diamonds when refined. This cassava is also known as the 8th wonder of the world by GEJ and his Federal executive council. (This resource was first discovered in Otueke).

Cassava bread: End product of refined cassava, one loaf of cassava bread will be worth a handful of diamond by next year.

Cassava beer: Marvelous invention of the great president, blended cassava with Otueke made Ogogoro (please try taking cassava bread and cassava beer together #bliss).

Cassava puff-puff: Another wonderful by-product of the wonder cassava, (just like disel is a by-product of crude oil)

Cassava republic: The new name given to Nigeria, have exceeded all the qualities of banana republic.

Detractors: Name given to everyone opposed to any evil agenda of the GEJ administration, every other thing from bombings, rape and miscarriage is also blamed on them.

Intellectuals: People whose only job is to think for their country- even if the country is burning and their bucket is full of water

General Overseer: Any man who is able to convince a group of people that he was at the manger when Jesus was born.

Gbagaun: The new form of language which can be formed from twisting or murdering the Queens English. To be taught in schools all over bayelsa and rivers state from next year, bill being sponsored by the Gbagauning first lady herself

EFCC: An agency that pulls down the pants of a disfavored crook until the crook drops something.

S.A (Social Media): Jobless university graduate whose job is to sit in an office and tweet and facebook for a public officer all day, he also has an official iPad, BlackBerry, and personal computer for this purpose. NB: he also has his own S.A, P.A, E.A and personal driver.

Twitter: a country in Nigeria where public office holders are widely hatted and Subbed filled with rebels of all kinds, NB: its also known in some political circles as a security threat or a breeding ground for terrorist (Boko Haram)

Decamping: A situation where a desperate politician seeks greener pasture to another political party, usually for political appointments and favours of every kind. Its very legal in Nigeria. Its also known in saner counties as political prostitution.

Comrade: A man who still wears a safari suit even when the temperature is over 100 degrees centigrade.

Deacon/Deaconess: A title you get when you are too contaminated to be a pastor and yet too valuable- for your tithe – to be an ordinary floor member.

Religious merchant: A pastor, bishop or Imam who has mastered the art of psychology and the use of placebo effect on his followers.

ASUU: A new name for thunder especially as regards to the Nigerian environment. Eg,  1.The ASUU struck twice last Night  2. Amadioha is the God of ASUU (where ASUU replaces thunder)

PHCN: A government establishment whose duty is to make sure you never get power in your homes.

Generator: The offical power source of the federal republic, comes in different sizes and shapes. NB: slogan of the power source is “Lighting up Nigeria since 1960”

Tweet-meet: A place where Nigerian public office holders (especially ministers who have no clue about the usefulness of their ministries to the Nigerian people) come for ideas, prayers and comments.

GCFR: GRAND CRIMINAL OF THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC. A national award given to someone who guards the corrupt system jealously.

Police checkpoints: Branch offices for Nigeria’s greatest money-spinning establishment “Nigeria Police Force”

Government employee: A frustrated Nigerian whose salary is exhausted before the 15th of every month.

Lagos landlord/landlady: A ruler of his/her own kingdom called “YARD” his word is law and they are usually jobless people

National Assembly: A place where people allergic to honor decide when its okay for the ordinary man to start earning $2 a day when they earn $2 million per year.

NANS Executives: Original offsprings of the corrupt system, who are awaiting rulers ready to step into the shoes of their corrupt mentors

Wey Yellow: A free pass to all police checkpoints applicable nationwide (explanation; There’s always a cop with that nickname in 9 out of 10 patrol units… If you ask,they assume you are pals with him & go easy on you).

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Dada Olusegun is a registered member of Congress for Political Change (CPC), he is a writer cum social change advocate. He is a political columnist on #EkekeeeDotCom and contributor on numerous online blogs and newspapers. He is a motivational speaker who is also involved in youth empowerment and enlightenment programs nationwide. He tweets from @Dolusegun.

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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