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3 mistakes women make when their men cheat

by Kate Downs

Cheaters cheat… end of story.

When your man cheats, it feels like your entire universe crumbles around you. Most women dealing with a cheating husband or boyfriend start thinking of ways to fix the situation. We wonder what we’ve done to drive him to the arms of another woman. We struggle to think of ways to bring him back.

STOP!

Cheaters cheat. That’s it. Cheating is not about boredome or dissatisfaction. Cheating is the result of a characterological flaw that allows men or women to rationalize cheating and breaking vows. Affairs are not normal, healthy reactions to uncommon relationship struggles. Rather, they are unhealthy reactions to the trials and tribulations common to most relationships from time to time.

Don’t torture or embarrass yourself making the same mistakes millions of women make when they know their man is cheating. Save your self-respect, dignity, and time by cutting your losses and freeing yourself for a better relationship with a more functional man.

Getty Images
Getty Images

Mistake #1 — The Investigation

When women suspect their man is cheating, the first mistake they make is launching a fact finding mission. Spying, calling around, interrigating their partners, women invest their energy in a senseless hunt to prove what is already obvious: the relationship is seriously broken.

You don’t need proof that your man is cheating to know that something isn’t working between the two of you. Whether he’s actually cheating or you’re just seriously paranoid, evidence isn’t required to know something has to change. Driving yourself mad trying to catch him in the act of cheating won’t deliver the peace of mind you are looking for. It will only make you look and feel crazy.

Getty Images
Getty Images

Mistake #2 — Blaming the Other Woman

Yeah, she’s got to be pure evil to steal another woman’s man, but that’s really not the point. She’s not the one who committed to you, who promised to to be true to you, and then cheated on you. Even more importantly, if it wasn’t her it would be someone else.

People cheat because they are cheaters. When a man cheats it’s not because he was innocently seduced by another woman’s wicked charms. It’s not because she offered something you didn’t. It’s not because she’s better than you. Cheaters cheat. They don’t need temptation to have an affair.

Let go of your anger towards the other woman. It’s misguided. Focus instead on the fact that the partner you were in a relationship with violated his commitment to monogomy. If it wasn’t her, he’d have found someone else. Even if she leaves the picture, there are millions of women in the world for him to cheat with.

Getty Images
Getty Images

Mistake #3 — Changing to Keep Him

First of all, if your man is cheating, the last thing you want is to keep him around. Cheating is a pattern of behavior that won’t stop no matter how many promises he makes or how many changes you make to keep his attention. If he has cheated on you, it’s time to move on. Cheaters cheat… and cheat… and cheat.

Second, you didn’t drive him to cheat. If your man is cheating, it’s not a reflection of your worth, but an indication that he is incapable of handling the responsibility of maintaining a relationship. He is lacking mature adult coping skills. The problem is his, NOT YOURS.

Because you didn’t cause your man to cheat, you can’t stop it either. There is nothing you can change in yourself to make a cheater be loyal. Stop thinking that if you were thinner, prettier, wilder in bed, or more exciting he would be faithful. If your man is cheating, he’s not thinking about you one way or another.

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

 


Article Categories:
Opinion

Comments

  • U say move on? What if u are married to him?

    lisa October 7, 2012 6:14 pm
  • Sorry to say, this article of your’s is absolutely misleading, Am sure you are not married, neither do you have a reasonable relationship.

    ann October 7, 2012 7:27 pm
  • There’s nothing wrong with the article. All I can say is dat if u choose 2 stay with a cheating partner, be ready 2 accept d person dat way so u don’t increase ur blood pressure unnecessarily. Someone who can’t stay faithful most likely doesn’t respect u enough.

    bee October 7, 2012 7:38 pm
  • am a victim of a woman cheating…what do U say to me?
    Y’all always make it sound as though y’all d only ones hurt!
    Am not siding the guys buy selfishly talking like as if y’all are holy all the time isn’t right.
    We know on both sides of d line we got villains n heroes…pls stop painting the “whole” male gender as pervert n uncurable.
    2ndly,some men are pushed just as much some women are pushed into situations n these are unfair reactions to get attention or something crazy done or noticed….Say my girl uses sex to get her way n my pride has been bruised by it…or even attitudes…I can sleep with a ho to get by….now am not saying am right,but my girls ego-power-trip attitude doesn’t get to scrutinized cuz I cheated?
    Common,wake up women! The world doesn’t go round on Ur terms!

    Julez October 7, 2012 7:42 pm
  • It isn’t easy to just breakup the relationship especially when you’ve invested a lot in it. You can’t turn off feelings like a switch.

    ruthie October 7, 2012 7:47 pm
  • Pls help us enlighten Mrs Dupe Akande, wife of the Oyo State Chief of Staff, whose husband has fallen out of love with her for years and wants out of the marriage. Instead of face that fact, she goes around fighting & blaming every and any women who comes in close proximity to him. Some people just have no self-worth!

    Simisola October 7, 2012 8:02 pm
  • U should have kept this opinion of yours to urself cos I see it as one that could result in broken homes. We already have enuff broken homes in Naija. Increasing the tally could only worsen things. A lot of women would wanna give whateva it takes to save their relationship. If you are married and u got kids of your own, you’d understand what am saying. As a good person, you wouldn’t encourage others to get their homes broken.

    Qeewee October 7, 2012 8:04 pm
  • Nigerian women are just sooooo desperate and shameless. Why would anyone stay by force with a partner that cheats on them repeatedly. When a partner cheats repeatedly, they are saying, for whatever reason, you are not enough for them and they are not content with you. So why force issues? I am a woman and if a a man cheats and wants to go, he should feel free biko. If I was sincere with him, life and love will be kinder to me next time. Its acceptance of cheating as a norm in Nigeria, that has shed the moral fabric of our society & reduced marriages to the charade they are today. Instead of addressing the crux of the matter, women go all out blaming the ‘wicked jezebel’ who ‘seduced their man.

    Anonymous October 7, 2012 8:13 pm
  • Only when our society comes to terms with the fact that cheating is not the norm, only then will our marriages be the sanctuary and spiritual institution they are supposed . In the meantime, y’all can keep deceiving yourselves with the fact that you are married, but have a girlfriend/ boyfriend/ someone you love somewhere else. Our marriages are a sham and we need to go back to the drawing board. Thanks Sturvs for the article. Maybe some will learn from this and save themselves many years of misery.

    Dee October 7, 2012 8:21 pm
  • amen….”Blaming the other woman” Why should we, as women, resort to this?

    jennietobbie October 7, 2012 10:07 pm
  • Simisola, no one really needed to know that! Why do I feel you’re the other woman?

    Lady B October 7, 2012 10:30 pm
  • Lady B….. Hell no! I am a man. I have seen her in action. Her behaviour and utterances are so uncalled for and ridiculous. You women should try to sort out your problems with the person you have a contract with and leave any other involved parties to themselves. No woman can make a man cheat unless he wants to and no-one can break a home or relationship that isn’t already cracked or broken. That is what i tell my sisters all the time. Lesson 1 – a man will always do what HE WANTS to do.

    Simisola October 7, 2012 11:03 pm
  • Every time a man cheats, it breaks down a woman’s confidence, worth & positive outlook. I don’t understand how some women can live with it such re-occurences. Why do shantgri to keep someone who is not trying to keep you with the same intensity? Sometimes in life, you have to let go & think of yourself & your sanity. Life is too short!

    Anonymous October 8, 2012 3:01 am
  • The craziest part is that some of our women have adopted the habit of buying condoms for their men. According to them, they know he’ll cheat anyway, so he should be safe. Insane!!! Wake up girls! Is that what you deserve? By doing this, are you not endorsing his cheating? How can a man love & respect you when you facilitate his encounters with other women? Sotay, the good wives in Nollywood movies are the ones that buy condoms for their husband. Then after doing this for years, the man will miraculously wake up one day & realise what a wonderful wife he has. Mshewwwwww! Danburuba!

    RT October 8, 2012 3:12 am
  • Its so sad that in all d opinions that iv read on this thread…nobody even mentioned d power of prayer..and a turning around of d impossible!is that how decadent we have become..that we can’t trust d power of GOD to turn d life of our partners around..and ps*d 3rd point of d writer to just pack and go cos ur partner cheated is so flawed!pls if we run 4m every problem..we will never achieve anything!whether its attaining a uni degree or getting a faithful partner!we just hav 2 work @ it!

    obiosa olisa October 8, 2012 6:45 am
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