Government Officials make plans for 2015, all in last week’s news…with a pinch of salt
By Stanley Azuakola
A Pinch…refuses to believe that any god is sadistic enough to demand the lives of innocent men.
President Jonathan unmoved by unpopularity
These are not the best of times for opponents of President Jonathan as the president has grown more confident and is gradually letting go of what they call his “inferiority complex.” A recent Reuters poll showed that 94 percent of Nigerians believe that the Jonathan administration is corrupt, but instead of the president getting upset over the polls as his opponents expected, he released a bullish statement saying, “It’s a matter of perspective and as your president, my perspective is superior. My opponents are seeing the glass 94percent empty, but I see it as six percent full. Meanwhile, I’ve directed the EFCC chairman to reduce the recurrent corruption perception (RCP) by 0.5percent yearly so that by 2015, the glass would increase to about 7.5percent full.”
IG Ringim threatens hunger strike
Inspector General of Police, Hafiz Ringim has said he’ll drag every single Lagos protester to court for being accomplices to runaway terrorist Kabiru Sokoto. Ringim said it was “their useless protests which caused me to panic and deploy every available policeman to Lagos, leaving none to guard Kabiru Sokoto before he vanished.” He will be represented by super lawyer, Michael Aoondoaka. Furthermore, the IG vowed that unless they apologised, he was ready to embark on an indefinite hunger strike in protest against all those “calling for his sack, abusing and hating him and thus puncturing his fragile self-esteem.” In a surprising twist however, the media has been awash with messages from concerned citizens urging the IG to go ahead with his hunger strike as “that would be the greatest service he could possibly give to Nigerians.”
FEC members reveal post-2015 plans
2015 is still three years away, but already key members of this administration are revealing their plans for life after office. Below are excerpts from our A Pinch of N(u)ews exclusive.
1. Labaran Maku (Information Minister): “I’ll go into fiction writing. Didn’t know I was this great in crafting imagined realities.”
2. Diezani Madueke (Petroleum Minister): “For me, I’ll pursue my childhood dream of opening a beauty shop and chain of boutiques for luxury shoes and handbags.”
3. Reuben Abati (Special Adviser): “Nowadays the idea of breaking peoples’ hearts appeal to me a lot. I’m considering a career as a play boy. Fingers crossed.”
4. Emeka Wogu (Labour Minister): “I intend to use my God-given physical endowments in building a successful career as a bouncer.”
5. President Jonathan: “Well I’ve obviously seen and done it all here. So I might just take up a job as an Italian cruise ship captain. I promise not to jump overboard when the ship is in crisis.”
CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK
If truth be told, the increasingly overwhelmed Inspector General of Police, Hafiz Ringim, was the runaway favourite to win the CeeCee this week until last Friday came. Ringim is an incompetent police chief but the moment those bombs went off in Kano, there was only one candidate for CeeCee –Boko Haram. It is nauseating that anyone with a conscience can play god and take the life of another. A Pinch…refuses to believe that any god is sadistic enough to demand the lives of innocent men. The murderous maniacs behind Boko Haram are not fighting Muslims or Christians for that matter. They are waging war against the soul of our dear nation. But they won’t win. For every bomb that goes off, ten thousand more Nigerians realise that when the chips are down, and terrorist are on the prowl, and government seems powerless to act, all we have left is ourselves. So every one person –Christian, Moslem, North, South, Ibo, Hausa, Ikwerre, Benin– who answer Nigerian will turn to each other and not against. And we’ll put the clowns to shame by the strength in our unity. Never bet against the Nigerian.
Follow A Pinch…on twitter @stanleyazuakola.
Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt… is satire – a riff off news over the past week.