by Anna Breslaw
You’re better off without him. What? I didn’t hear you over that obnoxious platitude you say when you’ve got nothing constructive to offer.
1. Well, you didn’t go out that long. Yeah, we were in the phase where everything was new and fresh and whenever I smelled one of his shirts I went to a daydreamy place and we skipped through gardens together until he drove a freight train through my soul like the worst episode of Thomas the Tank Engine ever.
2. He’s probably gay. Ughhh. He’s not. Please don’t make me remember how gay he’s not.
3. You’ll get over it. I mean, yes, I know I will. But right now I need you to see and acknowledge my pain because it’s a third presence in the room and it looks like this.
4. Wallowing will just make you feel worse. Nope, wallowing is the only thing that makes me feel better right now. Now if you will pass me the dark chocolate and caramel bites and un-pause the Instant Netflix episode of Buffy I was watching and then get the hell out of here, that would be great.
5. You’re better off without him. What? I didn’t hear you over that obnoxious platitude you say when you’ve got nothing constructive to offer.
6. What did you do?! Way to make it sound like he was a golden boy and I was a screaming harpy of death.
7. Oh my god, that’s horrible. Are you devastated?! This is awful! Save it for UNICEF, you basic.
8. But he seemed so nice! Well, he wasn’t.
9. Maybe he’ll come back to you! Do not encourage my unhealthy fantasies of him crawling back to me to re-declare his love, in the rain, blasting our song from his car speakers. (“Thong Song” by Sisqo.)
10. You’ll find someone else soon. And if I don’t, what then? Do I get sent to a small island off the coast of Bora-Bora where they quarantine women who are single for more than five minutes?
11. Time to go crazy and have sex with All the Guys!! Not so interested in sleeping with tons of guys as I am in just plain sleeping. And are you just trying to live vicariously through me?
12. Does this mean you’ll feel awkward around me and my boyfriend from now on? Yes, I will melt into a puddle on the floor every time your balding grad student boyfriend kisses you on the forehead.
13. OMG, let me download Tinder on your phone! and/or OMG, JDate is having a promotion right now! OMG, I have only been single for two days and I would rather drink battery acid!
14. I totally know how you feel; they didn’t have goat cheese at brunch today so I had to get an omelet with cheddar. Or some other non-comparable problem. This is not the time to play Whose Life Is Worse Right Now. You are a bad friend.
15. Who’s the other girl? Guys don’t leave unless there’s another girl. I hadn’t thought about it, but I’m glad you brought that up. That won’t be something I obsess over for the next few months or anything.
16. Guys only make you feel this way when you let them. Yes, I love feeling this way! I’ll remember this helpful nugget of wisdom when you feel this way.
17. Aww, he was my favorite, you guys were perfect together.I’ll just go die in a hole now.
18. I’m so jealous, I wish I were single. Then break up with your boyfriend.
19. This is nothing. I had a friend who broke up with herboyfriend and… [insert pointless horrible story that has nothing to do with me.] Literally, if I were confiding in a tree or a piece of furniture it would be more helpful than you are right now.
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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.