Curses, calamities & achievements in this week’s news… with a pinch of salt!

by Stanley Azuakola

President Jonathan lists achievements

As President Jonathan counts down to his first 100days in office, his spokesman, Reuben Abati has released an impressive list of achievements by the government in so short a time, promising Nigerians more of the same in the coming months and years. Below is a reproduction of Mr Abati’s list of President Jonathan’s achievements:

  1. Convinced Madam Iweala to leave World Bank
  2. Hosted British Prime Minister Cameron and German Chancellor Merkel
  3. Appointed Madam Iweala as Coordinating Minister of the economy
  4. Kicked out the unrepentant Justice Salami
  5. Appointed Madam Iweala as Minister of Finance
  6. Appointed other ministers
  7. Appointed Madam Iweala Head of Economic Management team
  8. Held a well attended presidential retreat at Obudu
  9. Appointed Madam Iweala Chairman of Nigeria Bulk Electricity Trading (NBET) Plc.

Include Curses, Calamities in Oath of Office –Cleric

An Islamic cleric, Sheikh Buhari Musa has advocated for a review of the oaths taken by the president and governors on assumption of office to include curses and calamities if they fail to deliver. Presently, the oath just ends with “so help me God.” But Sheikh Musa has proposed a new oath as follows:

“I do solemnly swear/affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to the Federal Republic of Nigeria…so help me God. But if I go there and start looting money or doing anyhow, let it not better for me. Strike me, most merciful God, with cancer of the throat so I will not see way to chop it. Cover my wife with incurable rashes and boils and my children shall commit incest and be caught on camera. So help me God.”

NigeriaSatX releases first fictitious images

Nigeria’s recently launched satellite NigeriaSatX, was the subject of controversy when it released fictitious images of Gaddhafi’s sons being held in a bunker by Libyan rebels. Foreign media houses which believed NigeriaSatX and carried the false report were embarrassed the next day to see the sons, Saif and Mahmoud free and making fiery speeches. It would be recalled that NigeriaSatX was launched into orbit in August. They say the satelitte was constructed entirely by Nigerian engineers and scientist. A Pinch of N(u)ews, however, hasn’t been able to independently verify that.

Meanwhile, the Guinness Book of World Records has released a new list of the world’s longest running projects. For years, the number one longest running project has been –to kick Gaddhafi out of power. Now, with the successful completion of that project, the new number one project is –to find serious leadership for Nigeria.


Mr. Femi Fani-Kayode takes the CeeCee this week. The former minister of aviation consistently shows why he isn’t one to be taken too seriously. He couldn’t help his mouth again when it decided to get involved in the Obasanjo/Babangida Fools Party. In a widely publicized statement, Fani-Kayode gave Obasanjo a thorough tongue-lashing, while insisting that he (Obasanjo) must be “eternally grateful” to Babangida. Then two days later, he recanted, saying he had been “completely misconstrued and misunderstood…given that my choice of words was clearly ambivalent.” If that was his attempt at making amends, it was an epic fail. There was nothing ambivalent about his initial statement which accused Obasanjo of repaying Babangida’s “good with evil” and being disloyal to his own. If Fani-Kayode insists on letting his mouth run like a leaking faucet, then he must be ready to defend his statements like a man or apologize meekly rather than throwing around words like “ambivalent” and “misconstrue”. By the way, whatever happened to his corruption trial? While we try to figure that out, step forward Femi and receive the CeeCee, you’ve earned it, and hey, no comments please.

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