by Eketi Edima Ette
Our different WhatsApp groups would be nothing without their unique members. I have been around the block and I’m back to present to you, the ten kinds of people in these groups.
Without further ado….drumroll please. Introducing….
1. The Evangelist
Though an ardent contributor, this honourable member is not too concerned with posting content that is centred around the group’s main purpose. Rather, they’ll inundate the timeline with daily updates of prayers, Our Daily Manna or Open heavens. If you complain, this person will remind you that, “man shall not live by bread alone.”
2. The Broadcaster doesn’t want a job with NTA and Channels Television, even when they’re hiring, because their network of choice is WhatsApp. They will share every BC under the sun, most likely the ones that end with, “Type amen and shame the devil,” or “Share to ten people and receive a special blessing. My gateman’s nephew shared it and in ten days, his mother’s, brother’s cousin’s neighbour’s goats gave birth to ten chickens.”
If they just started using the app, sorry is your name. Expect BCs from five years ago.
3. Chief Chatter is next on the list. They’ll be forming activity, chatting with ten people at the same time and mixing up chats. Every time, ‘Sorry, wrong chat.’ This one will leave the chat with Bae, go to the family group and post, “Baby, I’ll make it up to you. You know how I do it nah….bend down low and shake it like you like it.” Then they’ll follow up with a nude photo of their pali.
If this happens to you, kuku delete your WhatsApp and buy another family.
4. The Monitoring Spirit will never say a word in the group. But they’ll know everyone’s background history, who said what, to whom, and on what occasion. If you want them to talk, tag them.
5. The Concurrer aka Copy and Paste, is the younger brother of Monitoring Spirit. Not one for original thought, their work is to concur with other people’s suggestions, using limited phrases like, “I’m with you.”
“Carry on, you’re on the right track.” And, “I agree with whatever suggestion the house makes.”
6. Worse than the last two mentioned above, is the Clueless One. I don’t know who even adds them to the group sef. Ten months after the group was established, a Clueless One will wander in and say, “Hello house. Please why are we here?”
7. Blessed are the Peacemakers: You know them—anger doesn’t exist in their world, and no quarrel can happen on their watch. They must broker peace between all warring parties, no matter what. These ones have a special gift—they can read the intentions of the heart.
They know that Odeh didn’t mean to insult Ngbede and that Enobong was using the word, ‘idiot’ as an affectionate term on Primak.
If a fight persists, they’ll kuku leave the group for you people.
8. The Data Mourner, aka The Complainant. Because no matter what you post, they must cry about their data.
“Please, let’s be careful how we chat. My data is going. Can someone tell me what’s in the video? I don’t have the data to download it. Transcribe the audio message. No data.”
Oya, come 👏 and👏 be👏 going 👏.
9. Right behind The Mourner is The Latecomer. You’ll know them because all they ever say is, “480 chats? Wow! I can’t read all that. Someone should summarize it for me.”
Like they paid for one professional reader. Yimu.
10. Finally, we have the Lord of the Admin. This one, their CV read like this:
Occupation: Lord and Master Who Has The Final Say.
I tell you, this one’s ambition is to be worshipped in this life. They usually designate a title for themselves, like Your Royal Adminness, and their word is law. If you ever participated in any of those WhatsApp ponzi schemes, you probably ran into this type.
You say anything contrary to their opinions, ask questions in the group or even look like you’re going to ask questions, you’ll be out so fast, your head will spin. Special skills in ass kissery is needed to remain in a group headed by a Lord of the Admin. Or else, leave the group, go on Facebook and write a sub about them.
The one who leaves immediately they’re added. They don’t have your time jare.
Then there’s the creepy guy who scrolls through the list of members, picks a girl of his choice and sends her a private message, forming relationship.
Uncle, na wa o.
So, what do you think? Did I miss any member? If yes, please share in the comment section.