by Rukky Brume

Dark clouds are scudding across the sky. The wind is rattling through empty streets. Petrol pumps are sheathed, well not anymore. Shops are shuttered. Watering holes are dry. Radios have gone silent. On-Air Personalities are reacquainted with their natural accents. The strike might have been called off, but the petrocalypse is still upon us. Be prepared.

WARNING: To be taken with a pinch of common sense.

• Use your “Legedes Benz”
  Your fuel tank is empty. Transport prices have rocketed. Good news. You come designed with fuel-free transport. Yes, I’m talking about your legs, your “Legedes Benz”. It’s a good time to stretch them. It’s free. You won’t get stuck in traffic. Plus it is exercise, so you can join all those people who round their tweets with: “#fitfam”. Or maybe not (see item 5).

  

  NOTE: Respect yourself. Nobody sent you to go on an adventure.

• Party time
  Your fresh food is spoiling in your fridge or freezer. Two options:Option A: Party time, like this tweeter:

  So is there anyone in Lekki with an available grill? Wanna clear out the freezer, might as well turn it into party

  — Quin Decim (@Misundastudent) May 25, 2015

  Option B: Be sensible and pickle your food or use natural preservatives (for example, salt) like people used to do in the olden days.

  On second thought, there’s only one option

• Stock up on Dry Food
  You’ve cleared out your fridge or freezer (see item 2). What should you do for food?Find a way to get yourself to a shop (see item 1). Stock up on all the dry food you can get your hands on: powdered milk for your garri, Indomie et c., like those people in war-time novels.

  

  If the fuelpocalypse ends tomorrow, you can start a shop.

• Tales by Moonlight
  No light? No diesel for the generator? Bored? Why don’t you take advantage of the atmospheric gloom to tell ghost stories in the dark? Plenty to choose from. Madam Koi-koi and bush baby stories are still serviceable. As are all the stories about disobedient girls forced to marry spirit husbands from Tales by Moonlight.

  

• Get Unplugged
  Take a forced sabbatical from your social media life. Honestly, some time off Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and what-have-you, won’t kill you. There was a time before social media. Plus, whatever device you’re using is probably going to die soon. Maybe it’s a good time to stop reading this article.

Rukky Brume