Heard of the National Begging Day? Here’s the news, with a twist!

by Stanley Azuakola

Here’s one more edition of A Pinch of News to get you laughing!

ANYIM TO CONVENE NATIONAL BEGGING DAY

Secretary to the Government of the Federation, Anyim Pius Anyim has promised to convene a National Day of Begging Boko Haram. This will follow the worthy examples of Gov. Isa Yuguda of Bauchi and former Gov. Danjuma Goje of Gombe who have both pleaded publicly with the sect for forgiveness. On the Begging Day, Nigerian leaders – chairmen, members of the state houses and national assembly, governors and finally President Jonathan – will take turns pleading for Boko Haram’s mercy. The event will be held at the Boko Haram camp in Maiduguri and will be beamed live on NTA to allow Nigerians participate in the begging, irrespective of location.

Meanwhile, Boko Haram is carrying out a special recruitment exercise for interested Batch B corps members posted across the nation. Applications should be sent to [email protected]. Both literate and illiterate graduates can apply. Benefits include fame, in-house training, power to oppress oppressors like the police, and unbelievable negotiating leverage.

THE BIRTH OF THE LUCKY KIDS

The electoral successes of President Goodluck of Nigeria in April and President Yingluck of Thailand in July have led to a new brand of baby-naming in Nigeria. Investigations show that 80percent of children born in Nigeria within the last one week have some form of luck included in their names. Notable names among them include Richluck, Luckdey, Ugofearluck, Sharpluck, and Luckily.

The Lost-and-not-found Foundation will offer a fifty million naira reward to anyone with useful information on the whereabouts of any of the following:

  1. Koko mobile: Most people never even got to find out the koko about this Dbanj mobile before it disappeared spectacularly
  2. Bianca Ojukwu and Ibrahim Waziri: These two went missing a day after they were appointed by President Jonathan as Special advisers on Diaspora Affairs and Anti-terrorism respectively.
  3. The 60 other political parties: A national crisis happened shortly after the last Nigerian elections when 60 out of the 63 political parties suddenly vamoosed, leaving behind no clues.
  4. Tinapa: Some say Tinapa was murdered in cold blood by a certain governor. However, the Lost-but-not-found Foundation believes it’s only missing and continues to search.

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