Mister man! 14 things to remember before you cheat on your woman

by Mike Zimmerman

madamenoire.
madamenoire.

The world is full of sexy women, and all of us have felt the urge to stray, even  just for one night. Here’s why staying faithful pays off, for your relationship  and for your sex life.

Thing #1

When presented with the ideal  cheating scenario—that is, if a flying saucer lands in the  cornfield where you happen to be standing and a female alien of sinus-clearing  hotness slithers down the ramp and declares that she wants to come in peace a  minimum of four times in the next hour, and you take her up on it because you  know no one will ever find out—no one must ever find out.

Thing #2

 Someone will always find out.

Thing #3

 If you get caught, the law is  on your wife’s side. And you won’t lose just half of your stuff. The other  half—the golf clubs, the surround sound, the Armani—will be destroyed in a  spectacular driveway bonfire as every angry woman you know toasts marshmallows  shaped like your testicles.

Thing #4

And if you’re not married? Your  longtime girl is bound by no law.

Thing #5

 Yes, traveling for business is  lonely. Phone home for a bicoastal quickie.

Thing #6

 Or, to paraphrase Neil Simon,  do to yourself what you would otherwise do unto others.

Thing #7

If a woman who knows you’re  spoken for comes on to you, it’s flattering. It’s tempting. But remember that  she’s doing it to feed her own ego, not yours. She wants to see how much power  she holds over you. And if you take her bait, she then knows she must be  superior in every way to your sweetie. Deep down, she has nothing but contempt  for both your male weakness and your mate’s existence. That should really piss  you off.

Thing #8

According to the Shari’ah, the  laws of ancient Islam, adulterers must be stoned to death. Before you say,  “Dude, cool,” we mean with rocks. In these parts, that’s what will happen to  your good name. Friends you made while you were a couple will disappear. Friends  you had as a single guy are long gone. That leaves you with the hard  drinkers.

Thing #9

You’re about to be with the  kind of woman who wants to be with the kind of man who would cheat on a woman.

Thing #10

Channel all temptation toward  the girl you left at home. Example: When out for a night with the boys, go to  Hooters, not a strip club or roadhouse. Hooters girls are the unsung heroines of  relationship therapy—gorgeous, chatty, and so untouchable that you always go  home hungry. Your gal has no idea her sex life will improve tenfold when you get  there.

Thing #11

At the office party, pretend  the co-worker who’s flirting with you has gonorrhoea.

Thing #12

“I’m famous for all the wrong  reasons.” —Joey Buttafuoco

Thing #13

 If your ex calls, enjoy a  pleasant 5-minute conversation. Then tell her your wife’s on the other line.

Thing #14

Treat your temptation as a cage  match. Defeating that treacherous organ between your legs is the ultimate  triumph of man over nature. It’s you versus your penis. He’s up for the  challenge. Are you?

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Read this article in MensHealth

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

Comments (4)

  1. I love a girl so much is name is mistura. Have try all my best 2 have are @ my side but everytin I do I say it nor tin 2 are I need ur help pls

  2. I love a girl so much is name is mistura. Have try all my best 2 have are @ my side but everytin I do I say it nor tin 2 are is I need ur help pls

  3. Can ynaija pls post Naija-related posts…. Which law is on our side? And what half will a woman get???? You would have made more sense laying a guilt trip on men and stating the spiritual and other repercussions, but the law????? Pls….

  4. Very good lesson learnt

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