By Yomi Kazeem

… go ahead and award outlandish contracts to build invisible airports, imaginary roads and imperceptible factories.

Welcome to the Plenty Talk, No Action School of Political Science. How to be a politician? It’s not so difficult; I present the 5 essential steps.

1. TALK THE TALK

   

Learn the prevalent parlance. Make yourself a pro at making empty promises. You don’t even have to be believed, we’d still think you are lying anyway. Learn how to tell white-faced lies while placing your hands on a holy book. Asides this, you will also need to master a couple of phrases that are appropriate for different situations.

When a bomb goes off: We shall do our best to bring the perpetrators to book.

When you’re launching an obviously overpriced project: Today is a great day in the history of this nation/state

When you’re flogged in the media for obvious ineptitude: This is the work of my detractors.

While campaigning, your key words should be change, transformation and restoration.

2. SPEND THE MONEY

Before you go ahead and spend all the money you can lay your hands on on things we will never lay our hands on, you must first follow the custom of probing the outgoing government.

Next step, go ahead and award outlandish contracts to build invisible airports, imaginary roads and imperceptible factories. It is imperative that the contracts are awarded to companies that do not exist in any directories or in real life. Please do not disregard this critical point, a deviation from which will earmark you as an enemy of progress amongst other politicians. Proceed to appoint people into posts based on your years of friendship, alliances and their funding of your campaign.

Pay absolutely no attention to their qualifications, the media will make noise about it, don’t mind them. The less qualified your appointees are, the better your excuse after they inevitably fail to perform. Nonetheless, appoint the same people after you win (rig) a second term.

3. MAKE ENEMIES

Why? Because you need somebody to blame when things go awry, why else? Enemies are a vital cog of your government; underestimate their usefulness at your own peril. If a project goes bad, your enemies are at work. When newspapers publish concrete evidence of your financial dubiety, it’s the work of your enemies. When you contest and win ‘free and fair’ elections and word goes around that you got under-aged voters involved in the electoral process, it’s those restless enemies of yours again. What about the devil? Let the devil be, too many people blame him already.

4. GET A FIRST LADY

This step is of two parts. A. Get yourself a First Lady. B. Make her come up with a pet project. Don’t ask me why, ask why not. After all, all your predecessors did same; it’s just what First Ladies do.

However, there are some attendant principles to this. It has to be related to something humanitarian so we think she’s serious. Child abuse, trafficking in women and children, are all areas of concentration but take note, the fields of house-girl and gateman abuse remain yet uncharted courses, if you strive for philanthropic novelty, I recommend those.

5. KNOW YOUR ALPHABETS

Actually, you don’t need to know all of them, some are more important than others.

A stands for ALLOCATION, be familiar with that, it is your holy grail.

B stands for BOKO HARAM, these guys are not smiling, tread carefully .

C is for CONTRACT. Of course! What else could it be for?

D is for DEZAINI ALLISON-MADUEKE, don’t mess with her. Many have tried, no-one has succeeded (yet).

E does NOT stand for EFFICIENCY that word does not exist.

Fast forward to P: this stands for PROFIT SHARING. Some silly holier-than-thou people will say it stands for PENSION, they are wrong. However should you ignore recent events surrounding the letter I which stands for IBORI, P may end up meaning PRISON for you.

 

Via @TheYomiKazeem