by Oge Okonkwo
If you have ever been to the mall or cinema, you couldn’t have missed them; they aren’t really shopping, hardly watching the movies – but those blessed camera phones are very busy – in front of the finest-looking eatery, close to a car that belongs to anybody-but-them or, God bless them, in front of this or that toilet. And they’re taking photos of themselves, no less – in their brightly coloured dresses, blissfully unaware that colour-blocking as a trend went away with the Obasanjo government.
For some reason, the fore-runners of this tradition are those good guys from that popular university, Covenant. Wait, how many of students does that school have by the way? There when you come in, there when you leave – harassing your BlackBerry if you’re unlucky to have that contact, with a Display Picture change every… 120 seconds.
As a tribute to these innovative trendsetters, and all those wanna-bes we see on the elevators as we go about our business, we share the secrets to taking a damn-good selfish, the way our CU (younger?) and other university/high school brothers and sisters have perfected the art!
1. Fall in love (with yourself): When we say ‘fall in love’ we mean be overdressed for the occasion. Think you are the most handsome or most beautiful thing to have walked the face of the earth., Long weave, bright colored clothes (color-blocking) and make up (pink lipstick preferably) for the girls, colored shirts buttoned up to the neck, nerdy glasses, colored caps and snickers will be perfect for the guys. Take another look at yourself in the mirror. Put those lips in a pout. Tell yourself you look gorgeous.
2. Arm yourself with a good phone: The truth is without a good phone, you may as well forget about the selfie. So steal, borrow, lie, do whatever you can! And when you say phone, we know you know we mean those Z10, iPhone, Lumia, S-4 tins, right?
3. Kill shame: Seriously, to keep assaulting your whatsapp contacts with new photos of you, taken by… you every 2 minutes, you really have to have murdered shame. By ‘shame’ we mean do not let anyone rain on your parade, no one will charge you for taking pictures in front the mirror, a cinema restroom or an elevator. The worst peeps around can do is to stare at you ridiculously and if you see them staring, raise your head high and say to yourself ‘I am a show stopper – let me shine!’
4. Ignore the bombs: ‘Photo-bombing’ is when a person, deliberately or not, tries to spoil the joy of taking a good selfie by suddenly appearing in the picture. They have been sent by enemies to distract you – so don’t lose focus on the important task the Lord has given your hands to do. Steady, pout, take 2!
5. Let there be light: Unfortunately, the lighted areas are where the most people are, which means you will have to choose between getting a good selfie by staying in a lighted area and getting ‘photo-bombed’ OR going to a dark corner and bear the consequences (you may as well take the photo in the boot of a car). Life is not an easy sometin.
6. Copy and pose: A Kardashian pose and a Miley Cyrus ‘tongue out’ will be perfect for this kind of selfie. Pout like your life depends on it, do not waste the assets you have flaunt it well, show any new thing you just acquired ranging from phones to wristwatches to money anything to make yourself look big. There may be a guy or girl outside drooling after they see your selfie. Do not let any opportunity go to waste.
7. “There you go” a nice photo filter: Photo filters perform magic if you are unsuccessful in the quest of taking this unique kind of selfie, these filters can make an ugly duckling look like a swan and do not forget to make a picture story out of it, but if the selfies do not come out good after using the photo filters then that is too bad because your case is really critical.
May the Lord be your strenght.
And thank you to our gorgeous volunteer-model, Brukeme Dickson (long graduated tho)!