by ERIN FOSTER

She believes that everyone around her knows what she knows: that she is clearly not drunk. She doesn’t appreciate everyone trying to embarrass her like this. She has to pee, so she heads towards the bathroom. Someone points out to her that she’s banging on the door to a closet, not the bathroom… She says, “Everyone needs to chill.” Then she pees on herself.

1. The Wedding Drunk 

Right before the wedding, this guy took a picture of himself in his tux and sent it to his closest friends with the caption, “This guy is about to get LAID!” (Thanks to that pesky rumor that girls put out more easily at weddings). So, he shows up with a swagger he doesn’t possess in his normal life, with the idea that the love in the air will make him more appealing to the bride’s hot cousin. He downs a shot for confidence, and then a glass of wine for a prop while chatting up the ladies, then a couple beers to hang with boys in the corner. Before he knows it, he is seeing double and has no sexual prospects. His disappointment leads him to drink more, which leads him to get sloppy, which leads him to dance provocatively with the groom’s grandmother, who is more than happy to indulge. The bride yells at her new husband to control his friend, and our drunk buddy wanders off towards the bushes, where he wakes up the next morning with a terrible headache — and an unopened condom in his pocket.

How To Avoid Being This Person: Remember that statistically this couple has a great shot at getting divorced.

2.The Baby-Shower Drunk

Who doesn’t love a new baby? As soon as they wrap their little hands around your finger, you would stand in front of a bus for them. Whoever started the trend of drinking at baby showers is a saint and cares as little as we do about guessing the measurement of our friend’s belly, which we all go along with it because it’s the right thing to do. Most of us do, at least. There is one girl who goes a little too heavy on her pink Bellini. She’s happy to coo over the baby once it gets here, but she won’t be playing the lottery on who can nail down the weight of the unborn. She has better places to be at noon on a Saturday and by the time the gifts start being opened, she is three polka-dotted sheets to the wind. She can’t help but to roll her eyes every time the room goes “aww” at each identical package of swaddles. She thinks she is whispering under her breath when she says, “Oh look, it’s another onesie, exactly like the last seven.”

How To Avoid Being This Person: If you can fake enthusiasm soberly at work meetings you think are worthless and stupid, you can fake it at a baby shower. Remember that.

3. The “Do You Ever Stay Home?” Party-Girl Drunk 

This girl is always down for a good time. She has never stayed home to watch a movie. It’s possible she has never even been home at all. She always wants to know where the after-party is. She holds her glass in the air and flashes peace signs in photos. At dinner when everyone orders wine, she orders tequila. She is very active on social media, tweeting things like, “What happened last night?! Alan, you are crazy! See you tonight!”

How To Avoid Being This Person: Go home.

4. The Drunk Couple 

These two are the best. They really work at the relationship. They are best friends, each other’s biggest fan, and also know how to have fun together. In the beginning of the night when they’re buzzed, they are super cute. They do shots through each others arms, share eskimo kisses, and upload pictures of each other with the caption “Luv of my Life! #TheOne.” She goes around to her friends sloppily saying, “How hot is my boyfriend?!” and he goes to his dudes, “I’m serious bro, I’m wifing her up.” Then something happens. It’s a tiny little trigger. He eyes the waitress out of the corner of his eye for a split second before correcting himself. Or she lingers drunkenly on someone’s lap too long. This is when the drunk couple turns on each other. He clenches his fists and shouts, “So, you’re FUCKING this guy?!” She counters with, “Are you trying to distract from the fact that you’re obviously fucking the waitress?!” He calls her crazy, she says he isn’t the person she thought he was. She storms off in a cab, while he orders more drinks and they both delete each other’s numbers from their phone.  She falls asleep in her makeup on her couch and he shows up at her place at 4 a.m. with a super romantic bar napkin that says “I’m Sorry” on it. They make up passionately and in their hungover haze decide that all of their friends are trying to break them up out of jealousy.

How To Avoid Being These People: As soon as you and your partner feel more than buzzed, go home and start doing it.

5. The Family Drunk 

Everyone has a drunk uncle and a creepy uncle, and if you’re lucky they are the same person so you’ve only got one to avoid. This guy is really opinionated about really useless things. Like, he always tells you how Starbucks coffee is so terrible that if you like it then that means you actually don’t like coffee. He also demands that you put your face extremely close to his when he tells you something (this is a combination of him being creepy as well as drunk). He’s still pissed at his parents, and at a sibling who went on to be more successful than him. He has at least two ex-wives. He is always the first to make a toast at any family event, and everyone immediately tenses and give forced, supportive smiles. The toast starts out nicely, and then takes a hard left turn to a place that offends everyone in the room in some way. Somehow, no one ever suggests for the drunk uncle to get sober. That’s his thing, and you can’t just take away someone’s thing.

How To Avoid Being This Person: If you don’t know who the drunk in your family is, then its probably you. Sober up.

6. The Subtle Drunk 

This person is a pro. In a few years he will come to terms with the fact that he is a full blown alcoholic. He has a dangerous skill of not showing any signs of intoxication, while actually being mind-blowingly wasted. It’s alarming to interact with this person. Nothing prepares you for the things that are going to happen. He tells you that he’s gonna get up and grab another drink and on his way to the bar, he walks straight through a glass door. It shatters and he is taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, while everyone else walks around saying, “I didn’t even realize he was drunk.” This is the kind of person you would hand over car keys to without another thought. You would hand them your baby to hold while you answer a phone call. This person scares me.

How To Avoid Being This Person: Carry a handheld breathalyzer around your neck, because literally no one can ever tell when you are drunk.

7. The “I’m Not Drunk” Drunk

This is one of my favorites. She’s a real sloppy drunk. She starts drinking early while she’s getting ready. Once the booze hits her blood stream, she smears her blue eyeliner and forgets to fix it. She rides in a cab to a party with the bottom of her dress hanging out the car door the whole way. When she sees her friends she says, “lets do shots!” She starts to slur her words. Some of her friends get a little concerned and try to swap out her Long Island iced tea for a bottle of SmartWater, but she snaps at them, “I’m not drunk!” She spits a little when she forms the “R” in the word drunk. She believes that everyone around her knows what she knows: that she is clearly not drunk. She doesn’t appreciate everyone trying to embarrass her like this. She has to pee, so she heads towards the bathroom. Someone points out to her that she’s banging on the door to a closet, not the bathroom. She snaps at the helpful patron, “I’m not drunk!” He points her in the direction of the bathroom, but she walks in the opposite direction. She stumbles a little and someone catches her. He asks if she is okay, and she snarls at him. She says, “Everyone needs to chill.” Then she pees on herself.

How To Avoid Being This Person: First you need to fix your eyeliner. Then you need to know that if you just peed on yourself, you are either a toddler, or you are very drunk.

Read this article in Cosmopolitan

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.