by Stanley Azuakola
“I am not a lion. I am not a king. I am not a general.”
Dino Melaye nominated for Nobel Prize
Hon. Dino Melaye, the chief strategist of the Action Congress of Nigeria in the recently concluded Kogi governorship election, has been nominated for a Nobel Prize in Physics for his discovery of a new branch of electoral-physics called “scientific rigging.” In his reaction, a humbled Melaye explained that although he’s the official discoverer of scientific rigging, he’s still trying to grasp its full application whereas the opposition, PDP, has “mastered” it even without really knowing what it is.
It would be recalled that Melaye recently apologised to the Kogi people for only being perfect in manual and thuggish rigging when his mates in other parties have mastered scientific rigging. Melaye thanked the Nobel Prize committee for the nomination, and assured Nigerians that by the time he’s done with his new discovery, his place as Nigeria’s foremost rigging don would be incontestable.
Scientists research Nigeria’s coma
A team of Belgian scientists from the Coma Science Group are presently in Nigeria to test an astonishing hypothesis that Nigeria does not have a sociological or economic problem, but a neurological one. The group said unlike in Belgium where they only observed isolated coma cases, Nigeria afforded them the opportunity of observing an entire nation in coma. They said it was astonishing to watch a whole population in a vegetative state, unmoved and receptive of every negative stimulus. They also revealed that if Nigeria ever wakes from its 51-years coma, it would beat the previous record held by an American, Terry Wallis, who regained consciousness after only 19 years. Nigeria’s next assessment on the Coma Recovery Scale (CRS) is January 2012, after fuel subsidy is removed.
Top 10 denials of 2011
A Pinch…begins its Top 10 series this week, kicking off with the Top 10 denials of 2011.
10. “I didn’t say it.”
–SA to the president on strategy, Oronto Douglas, claiming that it was another Oronto Douglas, not him, who confessed to a US embassy official that President Jonathan was part of the problem of the Niger Delta.
9. “I never threatened Mr President.”
–Gov. Sylva of Bayelsa State denied “his” voice on the recorded tape threatening to kill the president and his wife.
8. “I’m not a crook. I’m not a criminal.”
–Ex-convict, Olabode George, rejecting any association with criminality.
7. “There is no cabal.”
–Petroleum Minister Diezani Madueke denouncing her earlier statement believing in the existence of cabals in the subsidy industry.
6. “Single tenure was not my idea.”
–President Jonathan trying to sell the idea of single term by pointing accusing fingers at those who sold the idea to him.
5. “PDP is no longer a den of killers.”
–Atiku Abubakar proclaiming the PDP killer-free on his return there to contest and lose the 2011 elections.
4. “It is the work of my detractors.”
–Gov. Orji of Abia claiming the ABSU rape incident was nothing but a plot by his Abian critics to discredit his adminstration.
3. “I am not a fool. He is.”
–Former Nigerian Presidents, Babaginda and Obasanjo arguing over which of them was a bigger fool.
2. “I am not a lion. I am not a king. I am not a general.”
–President Jonathan denying all animalistic, monarchical and militaristic tendencies in him.
1. “I voted for Goodluck, I did not vote PDP.”
–The culprits know themselves.
Crowned Clown (CeeCee) Of the week
This week’s CeeCee is very disturbing. SSS2 students of Anglican High School, Olora, Ado-Ekiti, protested their failure in a state-wide exam by locking their principal in his office for an hour and smashing the windscreen of a police vehicle. We say in Nigeria that lack of education catalysed the upsurge in militancy, but what do we have left to say when teenagers attending an Anglican school (at least in name) resort to such violence? Where’s the hope? A Pinch…is absolutely dumbfounded but thankful that the tongue isn’t needed to award the CeeCee to those impetuous little clowns.
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