by Stanley Azuakola
War of the Wives
A Pinch of N(u)ews sought the reactions of some Nassarawa State residents over the news that the rift between two wives of the state governor, Alhaji Tanko Almakura, has been resolved. “This is not fair, this is unfair,” cried one inconsolable civil servant. “Ah! Ah! What will give us comic relief now?” lamented another lady. It will be recalled that the two wives, Salamatu and Mairo had been at loggerheads over who should be addressed as first lady and whose projects should be recognised as authentic. It took the intervention of the nation’s First Lady Dame Jonathan –who warned that there can only be one first lady –to settle the matter. Consequently, senior wife Salamatu will now be addressed as First Lady while junior wife Mairo will be addressed as First Lady the Second.
Governors strike Labour
The Nigeria Governors Forum (NGF) has threatened to embark on an indefinite strike to press home its demand that labour should not embark on an indefinite strike. Chairman of the forum, Gov. Rotimi Amaechi who read the communiqué at the end of their three-minute meeting said, “Labour should know that it is not only them that can strike. Threatening government with strike will not work anymore. We will fight them strike for strike this time around.” The NLC hasn’t issued any official response but a union member argued that the governors have “Been on strike since their inauguration on May 29. Otherwise how come nothing seems to be happening all over the country?”
SSS, DMI predict Britain’s breakup
A shocking joint report by Nigeria’s State Security Services (SSS) and the Department for Military Intelligence (DMI) has predicted that if Britain does not check the “grave distortions in its structure,” it stands a risk of breaking up by 2016, only a year after Nigeria itself is expected to break up. The report further stated that as long as British police continues to neglect using water cannons, batons, and even live bullets every now and then to batter protesters, their breakup may even come
sooner than 2016.
Bible Amendment on the way
BSN The Bible Society for Nigeria (BSN) has announced that it would soon come up with a Bible that takes cognizance of present Nigeria realities. Some of the verses in the book will read as follows:
1. Matthew5:45 –…he sendeth floods on those in Victoria Island as well as those in Ajegunle.
2. Psalm2:4 –He that sitteth in Ota shall laugh; the Baba shall have them in derision
3. Mark4:22 –For there is nothing hid which shall not be revealed (maybe apart from how Abiola really died.)
4. James1:8 –A double-minded president is unstable in all his ways.
Crowned Clown (CeeCee) of the Week
Saying Major Hamza Al-Mustapha is a clown is stating the obvious. Everything about the way the man has conducted himself through his ongoing trial for the murder of Kudirat Abiola has bordered on the ridiculous. Challenging and appealing every decision of the court, denying every single statement he’s ever made, weaving tales about the dead which he couldn’t raise when they roamed these shores and renting crowds to rally in his support, Al-Mustapha has turned the trial into a freak-show. But then what did we expect from the man? A Pinch of N(u)ews is alarmed, however, by the short memory of Nigerians who seem to be celebrating his tall tales. Technically, Major Al-Mustapha is innocent until proven guilty, but thankfully we don’t have to wait till the end of the trial to hand him the CeeCee. Take a bow, Clown.
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