by ‘Yomi Kazeem
This was originally written prior to the elections; however it still serves a retrospective purpose and remains a firm favourite. Enjoy!
The following takes place in the mind of a young Nigerian between 9:00 and 10:00 pm.
A president, a photographer, a soldier, a pastor and a former EEFC director arrived at the doors of my mind at 9:00 pm amid pomp and pageantry. Without wasting time, we all proceeded to the inner chambers of my cerebrum to deal with issues at hand. Decked in opulent regalia, looking like saints they weren’t and desperate not to touch a nerve, we set out about the mission: a debate, of sorts.
I, being the moderator, asked the questions.
Moderator: Mr. President, can you please honor us with an explanation as regards your continued absence at prior debates?
Mr. President: Hmm, where do I start from? How do I explain to these men seeking my job that running the nation requires a 24 hour attention span? Being the President means I am busy always, I have to control the militants, I have to control the corrupt leaders, I have to create a budget and I even have to control my patience, so we do not witness an apocalypse. So Mr. Moderator, I guess my only excuse for being absent is the fact that I am president and these men are not!
Moderator: Mr. Ribado, how do you intend to end the trend of corruption?
Mr. Ribado: What is the broom there for? We shall sweep corruption from under the umbrella, into the open! I have done it before, all my enemies and the enemies of my friends shall suffer! The courts will be full and the prisons shall be overrun, when I am done with them, they will know that no-one messes with me or my friends! Corruption will have no place in my government. Subuhanalai!
Moderator: Thank you Sir for your inexplicit profanity, moving on now, Mr. Mohammed Bukari, as a retired military man, what is the assurance that you will not spend too much on defence?
Mohammed Bukari: Thank you moderator, it is regrettafle that our so called fresident cannot debate because he is running our country. That is an excuse that will not be fermitted in the military. In those days when I used to wear khaki, such an answer will be reflied with 100 strokes of Koboko. As regards your question, why shouldn’t I sfend money on depence? Apter all, we see the criminals carrying guns and fainting their paces, kidnaffing innocent exfatriates calling themselves militants! Our country needs discifline and I am the man por the job!
Moderator: Mr. Modumo, your ambition is still a thing of surprise among the people; some see it as a frivolous issue. What are your reactions to this?
Mr. Modumo: Awon tani yen? Emi? Frivo-kini? Nonsense! Do they know how I managed to run away from Babangida and Abacha in those days? I am a professional journalist. I know all the big big men in our society, I have their numbers! In fact when I become president, I will not touch a dime in the treasury, we’ll make money from adverts! Everybody says we have a bad international image, I will clean that up, after all my years of experience in the magazine industry, I will make sure that when I leave office, people will give me a standing ovation!
Mr. Crisp Otokie: Pardon my warranted interference which is necessitated by my abhorrence of the shallow thoughts of these men. Why fizzle out the inestimable component of our existence called time asking these men questions? Allow me indulge in a manifesto of how I shall exonerate our people from the hitherto indissoluble shackles of antagonistic oppression from the upper echelons of our government. Emphatically, I affirm that these men desist from seeking the exaltations and revelry attached to the post of President, after engaging in personal aggrandizement and being synonymous with nefarious acts of financial dubiety, they stand no chance. I am the perfect quintessence of what a President should be. I will revolutionize our society and reverse the previously incorrigible apocalypse which graft and misappropriate acts of governmental buffoons have set us upon!
Moderator: Wow! Sir that was a nice talk.
Mr. Crisp Otokie: Mr. Moderator, don’t insult me! That was no nice talk; it was a magnificent evidential testimony of my proficiency in, penchant for and command of our lingua franca.
Mr. Moderator: Apologies sir. In one sentence Sirs, how will you solve the power issue?
Mr. President: What power issue? I haven’t noticed anything like that, there’s always light in Aso Rock!
Mr. Hunu Ribado: I will hunt those who steal electricity from our power stations, as a former chairman of EEFC; I shall employ the agency to fully implement my law on anti- power theft.
Mr. Bukari: I will make sure that all the workers at PHCN are plogged every time the light goes off! In fact, we will sack them and reflace them with soldiers, those that don’t fay their NEPA bills will be thrown into a guardroom, also I shall ban all generators and torch lights in Nigeria, so that we will know when there’s no light and then plog the feofle at PHCN.
Mr. Modumo: My photographers, sorry, my aides will visit the powers stations and find out the problem, we will then publish it and ask those men whose weddings I have covered to donate. Every one that donates will get a standing ovation!
Mr. Crisp Otokie: Having embarked on a lucid and all- encompassing inquest to identify the root foundation of our power generation deficiency, I have come to a concise solution. The singular entity that can avail us from this decadence and odious phenomenon is prayer: which is a constant ceaseless interaction with a higher authority that we venerate and herald with unblemished adoration of holiness.
Moderator: Thank you Sirs for your attendance and entertainment. Fights easily get bloody here, so please proceed out of the doors of my imagination in an orderly fashion.