Wooing the bride: A note to the presidential aspirants

by Akan Nweke

This is how it is supposed to be. Vying for votes is supposed to be like getting a beautiful woman to marry you. After parading yourself as an eligible suitor and reeling off your list of assets, you should then sit back and let her make her choice.

You may be old, venerable and honest. You may be young, good looking but relatively inexperienced in the ways of the world. You may be charismatic, intelligent but relatively unpopular. You may be a lucky son from a large influential family. Or your village may share a boundary with her fathers’. But whatever it is, it is her choice to make.

It gets even more interesting if you notice that she is having second thoughts; wavering on the brink of decision, deluged by the combinations of pros and cons, for(s) and against(s). Your love for her (ahem!) may then propel you to try all the tricks within your book to get her to SEE more clearly, including casting aspersions on your fellow suitors. It’s all good. All is fair in love and war, they say.

You may need to get an endorsement from her beloved Secondary School teacher or promise her that you would allow her enjoy more equality with you, which she would consider very attractive because she doesn’t understand that that is the way ‘normal’ couples behave. (And in instances of super-normal couples, the hunter actually ‘serves’ the hunted). But, I digress.

But all this just makes it all the more interesting. If you eventually win her hand, you would always remember that you worked for it, worked hard to inspire her confidence and then hopefully you would be determined to make good your promises.

You may be thinking that if she continues to remain undecided, you may need to ram up the pressure; get her father some bags of money and have him deliver her into your arms or anonymously deposit some money into her siblings’ accounts with a reference; ‘buy that I-pad I know you want’.

Or you may take her forcefully; at gun- point or more appropraitely tell the whole world that she has slept with you when she doesn’t even know if you have six packs or not.

If you do that, it would then become clear to her that you really do have a perverse way of expressing your love. Because of a burgeoning self awareness, she would ask you for proof of your allegations. A blood stained bed which may be taken into the lab for DNA testing. Just like her finger-prints, they are unique to her. But I digress again.

You won’t need to go that far if you are a true lover.

Whichever way  it turns out, remember she chose you and can un-choose you. Divorce laws are getting pretty lax – see Gbagbo and Mubarak. But I digress yet again. Darn!

1 Comment

  • tatanzi says:

    you got me smiling at the digressions ,maybe you should write another blog based on your digressions in this piece.i like your illustration;relating a young lady to politicians…good job!

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