by Eliza Thompson
Men will fall in love with you instantly if you like one stereotypically dude thing. Plenty of women out there like sci-fi and college basketball.
1. It is easy and fun to have full conversations during yoga class. If you do this in real life you will either die of asphyxiation or the embarrassment caused by the instructor yelling at you in front of everyone else.
2. You and your boyfriend will have simultaneous orgasms 100 percent of the time. This is such a rare and mythical occurrence that it may as well be a unicorn wearing a mermaid as a top hat.
3. You will live in a giant, light-filled apartment with ample closet space and a doorman before your 25th birthday. Maybe this happens in the Midwest? But if you live in a major metropolitan area, you can safely assume that this will not happen to you until you are pushing death.
4. All human women have jobs at lady magazines, and they are all poorly disguised versions of Cosmo. Probably less than 0.0001 percent of American adults are employed by magazines, and that’s including the weird ones like Garden and Gun and Cat Fancy. Also, if you are lucky enough to score a job at a magazine, you will learn that 95 percent of your job is emailing publicists and it is less glamorous than picking up garbage in a theme park during the winter.
5. Every eligible bachelor in the world is a well-paid architect. Raise your hand if you have ever met one architect, male or female. Are architects even real? Or are they angels that drop fully constructed buildings from the sky and then retreat back into heaven?
6. Your best friend exists for the sole purpose of listening to you complain about your problems. She is also Judy Greer or Krysten Ritter.
7. It is possible to initiate sex with a woman with approximately zero minutes of foreplay. HAHAHAHA.
8. Cheating is glamorous. It seems like at least half of all relationships in romantic comedies begin with one party cheating on someone else in the guise of finding #truelove, but really, this is just #rude. If someone cheated on his original girlfriend with you, you already know that he won’t have any moral qualms about cheating on you, too.
9. Your best friend will totally forgive you for stealing her fiancé. She will not. She will murder you, if not physically then at least socially.
10. Making out with your platonic BFF of the opposite sex is a brilliant idea that always leads to marriage. If you ever accidentally make out with your platonic BFF after drinking too much wine during a friend date to a sexy arthouse movie, know that in three years’ time you will communicate exclusively via late-night drunken text message and not be entirely sure where he lives.
11. You have a precocious younger sibling who gives you eerily useful life advice. Children are creepy, not smart, and they will never help you do anything except go bankrupt.
12. Men will fall in love with you instantly if you like one stereotypically dude thing. Plenty of women out there like sci-fi and college basketball. If you go too far down the shared-interests road, you will get friend-zoned faster than the slut dies in a horror movie.
13. You have to stress about finding a last-minute date to your friend’s wedding. If you’re not already living with him, that invite is going to have only your name on it. In this economy, brides-to-be don’t give out plus-ones for rando under-employed dudes you met on Tinder two weeks ago. Just sit back and have fun drinking alone at the kids’ table.
14. It is totally possible to jump on stage at a huge, sold-out stadium concert and declare your love for someone in the audience. Unless you are an adorable, physically disabled child, this will get you thrown out and/or arrested.
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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.