There is an unbelievable story making the rounds in Nigeria right now. We have tried to analyse the situation, tried to make sense of it but we have failed woefully.

Presidential spokesperson, Garba Shehu put out a statement earlier on Tuesday saying that President Buhari will be working from home because his office has been damaged by rats. He said the office would now be subject to three months of renovation work following a rodent infestation that left the office furniture and air conditioning damaged while the president was away in London receiving medical treatment.

Now, that’s basically the summary of the presidential justification for President Buhari’s “work from home” story. It’s about rats. Yes, the people who hold the reins of power in this country sat at a meeting and thought “what shall we say to Nigerians? Oh! Let’s sell a rat tale of them” and someone approved of it.

We’re absolutely gutted by this piece of news and reading it over, we came up with these random questions for Mallam Garba Shehu, Femi Adesina, Bashir Ahmed, Lauretta Onochie and everyone else on that media team who has made Nigeria even more a subject of worldwide ridicule than it is already.

1. We’ll assume that this rat story is genuine, so why did no one notice the rats or the damages caused before the President returned?
2. But before we go there, how did rats make their way into the palatial Aso Rock? How?
3. So no one carried out daily checks and cleaning exercises in the president’s personal office while he was away for three whole months? As in the “entire” Nigerian president?
4. Whose job is it to clean the president’s office and why does that person get paid at all or did (s)he also go on a three month-hiatus like the president?
5. But wait, rats actually infested the president’s office? We’re still in shock!
6. Why did the rats choose the president’s office of all the ones in the “rock”?
7. So they said the rats damaged the air conditioning and furniture, did someone forget their leftover food in the president’s office or what could have drawn the innocent rodents there?
8. We’re wondering about suspended SGF, Babachir Lawal’s reports? Did the rats find them and destroy them?
9. So let’s say this story was fabricated by the president’s media team, are they really that dull? All of them? They couldn’t think of a better story?
10. But again, let’s say it’s true, why do Nigerians have to know? Can’t they just shut up sometimes and stop embarrassing all of us?
11. How easy or tough was it to put that statement in writing? “Rats infested our oga’s office because we’re all incompetent and probably stupid”. Must have been tough!
12. Hollup! Why is it going to take three months to rid that office of rats. Three months! It’s just rats, guys.
13. Do these people at the top actually think Nigerians are stupid?
14. This country is a massive joke! (and that’s obviously not a question)
15. Has everyone at the presidency gone mad?

Tolu

Your pop culture/entertainment go-to. Music head. Wallflower. I do not like to write. On a mission to decipher covfefe.