Your ex can, but he still had a relationship with her. You can’t say she’s crazy. It’s like talking about how you hate your drunken aunt, but realizing you’d be horribly insulted if anyone else did that. You can, instead, refer to her as “Anna Pavlovna” a 19th century Russian Ballerina, and one of my favorite minor characters from War and Peace. There’s no good reason for this, it’s just a fun name to say. Anna Pavlovna. Anna Pavlovna. Anna Pavlovna.

If she is someone you sort of know, it’s going to be tempting to say “hey, so, what happened between you and Beelzebub (your boyfriend’s name is weird, by the way).” Don’t do this. She is going to tell you he fucked her dog. Always. 100% of the time. Just assume he fucked her dog and he’s trying to do better. Never get a dog.

No because your boyfriend will inevitably fuck it, just because I don’t trust them. They have shifty little eyes. If they were people I think they’d be one of those terrible girls who majors in communications and insults you in a vocal fry way. I don’t like rabbits, basically.

If you break up with someone, you need to not be this girl. Emotions will be high. There is always a possibility that you could snap and start doing crazy stuff. You will certainly want to. But at a certain point, you learn that life is fundamentally about minimizing regrets. You also learn that you will wait a few months, or years, and you will heal, and you will fall in love with someone else, you will fall in love with a lot of someone elses, and one day, you will go out and meet your ex at the Carlyle (I love the Carlyle the way I hate rabbits) and eat some steak tartare, and it will be good (because they use a proper quail egg), and it will actually be sort of boring, and you will think “oh. Well. We’re fine.” And you will be. This is a kind of regret minimizing that requires a lot of patience. If hearing someone call their ex crazy helps you work on that, that’s okay.