by Abigail Anaba

But here is the thing: do not confuse love for pity. Especially in a situation whereby one of the parties is more interested in making things work out. It is always better, safer to understand what feelings motivates a reconciliation lest it becomes a case of a dog returning to its vomit and the two parties will be left miserable.

For the last couple of days I have contemplated on life, love and relationships. What makes two people who vowed to love and to cherish till death do them part suddenly give up and walk away from each other?

I’m a sucker for love. Seeing two people pledge allegiance for each other must generate in me a feeling similar to catching that second when the sun sets. It is simply beautiful. It is therefore heartbreaking to watch love wither and die.

I have heard people say before now that love is a verb. But I never gave much thought to it until recently. Saying to someone “I love you” does not necessarily mean that you do. Like faith, love is proved by works. These works must be visible to the object of your affection. They should be able to clearly state that they are loved. As in the case of a parent-child relationship, each partner should say: I know s/he loves me because… And then be able to give concrete and tangible proof of such love.

This love moves the two people to stay together, each seeking the interest of the other. What does it mean to look for ones interest and why is love like that?

Looking for ones own interests means being selfish. It means the person spends all the time in the world of “I”. When one says:  I don’t like the fact that you spend too much time in the bath. The focus is on self.

Not looking for ones own interest simply means that one does not bother about what one wants but what the other wants. While in the bathroom, ones thought will be, “let me hurry and come out because she gets so cranky when I spend so much time in the bath” while she thinks “he enjoys spending a lot of time in the bath, I better read a book so I won’t notice all the time he has to take”.

Remember, when s/he said yes, it was because they saw something in you and fell in love with it. It is your duty to keep that something on and growing and getting better so that they don’t lose interest. It is called a relationship because each must have something to relate with.

Yet, we are imperfect and we end up being selfish or forgetting our duty of keeping the relationship. Love dies. Then what? I am a strong advocate for making love work again. If at all it is possible, love deserves a second and third chance.

But here is the thing: do not confuse love for pity. Especially in a situation whereby one of the parties is more interested in making things work out. It is always better, safer to understand what feelings motivates a reconciliation lest it becomes a case of a dog returning to its vomit and the two parties will be left miserable.

Far better than getting back together is never getting separated in the first place. Someone sang: If you love me, show it. Love is a verb, never put your partner in a situation where they have to guess whether you love them at all. The answer to the question: Does s/he love you, should be an unequivocal without any form of hesitation “yes”.

It will be a good idea to check in from time to time to be sure one has not stopped one’s partner from remaining in love. When ones partner falls out of love, one has to take responsibility and make love return except the basis for the relationship was not mutual love and commitment in the first place.

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Abigail Anaba is a wife, mother, writer, teacher. She studied Mass Communications at the Nigerian Institute of Journalism. She blogs at www.anabagail.wordpress.com and tweets @anabagail

 

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