by Demola Rewaju
That’s where this saying comes from – nobody has a perfect relationship or marriage.
I like movies really, but I’m not so much of a movie person when it comes down to it – I’m a writer and a reader and I can do both while listening to music or something else but watching a movie usually engages the eyes, ears and most parts of the brain so that you can do little else while watching that movie….so that’s why I didn’t watch this Tyler Perry movie until some weeks back and I picked out some lessons to share with those who bother to read:
1. The Grass Isn’t Always Greener – ever observed grazing animals in a green field craning their necks across the demarcation to get a bite of grass from the another field? That’s where this saying comes from – nobody has a perfect relationship or marriage. In the movie, Patricia and Gavin seem to be the perfect couple till others start hearing them fighting in the middle of the night yet claiming everything is fine. Even Terry and Dianne had problems (Dianne was cheating) but they managed to get through them despite coming across as a near perfect couple. When you see other relationships looking like they’re all good and you wish your partner were someone else, remember the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
2. Trust is Never Given Freely, It is Earned – Marcus was never caught cheating but he acted as though he were – flirting at the airport, refusing to give Angela his phone password, and getting another cell phone when he’d given his major one to his wife to prove he wasn’t cheating. Angela was a little bit paranoid but when one person gives the other reasons not to trust them, it creates complications. Even those who cheat in real life (I wrote this article on the Deeper Dimensions of Sex and Cheating and this one about Stories of Cheating I Have Heard) sometimes compensate by paying more attention to their spouse to make everything look normal. It takes a discerning eye to catch a cheating partner when everything is okay and that’s the next point….
3. Study Your Partner Like a Textbook – It’s amazing how Terry found out his wife by whom he had two kids was cheating on him. She mistakenly called him ‘Phil’ once then came home with flowers after she’d removed the card that came with it. Then while observing her carefully pick out and lay out the clothes she would wear to work the following day, Terry gets her in bed and starts to lay out his observations calmly – he mentioned the exact day she started cheating on him, how her behaviour changed since then (even though she was still her loving self) and though she first tried to deny, he gently led her to tell him the truth.
There are also lessons here on how to confront a cheating partner but the biggest is…
4. Forgiveness – How does one forgive a cheating partner? That’s the most difficult tests of any relationship but like unforgiveness, it starts with the small things and finally becomes a habit. Holding minor grudges makes it easier to hold bigger ones. Forgiving and overlooking small errors makes it easier for one to make excuses when major faults come up. Forgiving one’s partner detoxifies the relationship – forgiving in advance makes the relationship move on faster. What’s the worst this person could do to me? That’s the boundary to set and so long as they do not cross it, tolerate. If you set that threshold too low, you will always make an issue out of everything. If you make up your mind though that although I expect more from this person, if they do this or that to me, I will forgive them, it helps you to prepare for whatever they may do and keep your relationship.
This works for those in more ‘permanent’ relationships like marriage. For dating relationships, my motto is ‘there is no forgiveness without confession and repentance’.
5. People Have Issues Unrelated to Their Partner – One of my favourite lines comes from Sheila who said to her second husband Troy “The hardest thing in the world is to have a good man when you had a bad one” and he replies “I think it’s harder to have a good woman after she’s had a bad man”.
People are a summation of their experiences and when they fail to clear the thought and reactional patterns of a former relationship before getting into a new one, they can make a mess of things sometimes. That was my first point in this article I wrote last week about How To Keep Fighting Your Partner. Clear yourself of emotional debris before getting into a new relationship or you’ll see things in your new partner that are not there, but only in your mind.
6. Conviction is the Conclusion – The elderly couple at the night gathering on the beach had were outstanding because the wife was absolutely convinced that her husband was the man for her…an angel sent to her from heaven. From the other couples too it becomes clear that those who see themselves as having a common destiny usually last long because no matter what happens, they believe that they cannot successfully face life without their partner. When you’re convinced about a matter, you have concluded that matter because no matter what happens against it, you will stay strong that this is the path you ought to take.
Why did I get married too? Well, I was convinced and i explained it in this article.
Demola Rewaju blogs at www.demolarewajudaily.com
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.