Get ready to giggle! This is NOT the news: Volume 1

by Stanley Azuakola

We are pleased to introduce a new column this week – where, in Jon-Stewart-Stephen-Colbert style, our dear Stanley – with A Pinch of Salt – takes you through the news, in a way the newsmakers won’t particularly be fond of. Buckle your seatbelts – and your ribs!

CROWNED CLOWN THE WEEK: The Cee-Cee for this week goes to Lagos preacher and running mate to Gen. Buhari in the last elections, Pastor Tunde Bakare. It would seem that the reverend has a severe case of malignant loquacity. He preached a message last week where he reportedly used words like “imbecile”, “bastard”, “nincompoop”, “son of a concubine” and many other unprintables, to describe a certain Yoruba politician. The revered reverend is hereby called to order. If he is angling to become the leader of the Yorubas, he should present his case and not resort to defamation.

Now, onto the news:

Once again, the attempt to sell-off NITEL which began since the end of the civil war has failed as OMEN International Consortium couldn’t meet the deadline given by the BPE. Consequently, the Federal Government has decided that the only remaining option is to ‘dash’ the former national carrier to a lucky company. The DG of the Bureau for Public Enterprises (BPE), Ms Bolanle Onagoruwa, released a statement last week saying that a lottery will be conducted to choose the winner. Already, a NITEL-MUST-GO bag has been placed at the entrance of the BPE containing the names of interested firms. Some of the companies that have confirmed interest include Indomie, Emzor, PDP, Moukafoam and Geepee tank.

The Old Boys Association of the 6th Assembly National School held their inaugural meeting last week at the EFCC lounge. Unfortunately, only two members, Dimeji Bankole and Usman Nafada, were present. Top on the agenda was sports development for their alma-mater: the old boys resolved to take out a ten billion naira loan to construct a bail-jumping complex for the school. They also expressed hope that in their next meeting, other Old Boys like Patricia Etteh, Iyiola Omisore and Ayo Arise will make themselves available to share from their unique experiences.

Nigerian websites have been adjudged worldwide to be the most free-thinking and independent-minded in terms of browsing outcomes. A Pinch of Salt decided to investigate for itself, and the results were remarkable. When A Pinch of Salt visited the ASUU website, it was greeted with “This site is permanently on strike.” Boldly written on the website of the Federal Government of Nigeria was “President Yaradua is not around now, please try again later,” while that of the House of Reps said “Site on recess.” The Nigeria Police Force website carried, “Boko Haram is not our friend,” Our last stop was the EFCC website where the EFCC eagle logo appeared, carrying these words on its beak, “Muahahahaha, you have been scammed.”

A new world record was set in Kenya for the most people reading out loud from the same text in different locations at the same time (about 80000 students participated.) In retaliation, a Nigerian group, Piss for Change Nigeria (PFCN) has vowed that Nigerians would set a new record next week for the most people simultaneously peeing by the roadside. According to the National Coordinator of PFCN, Dr. Apiss Onyou, the aim of the initiative is to spark the imagination of our nation on “letting it all out and never keeping it in ever again.” He advised however that due to security concerns, women in certain states like Borno, Bauchi and Zamfara would not be allowed to piss. Interested participants are expected to take a picture or shoot a video that shows them happily peeing, and upload it on the PFCN website.

Last week Thursday was the International Day of the African Child. A Pinch of Salt eavesdropped on the prayer made by a Nigerian girl child in the secrecy of her bedroom and was quite taken with her level of maturity. Here’s the summary:

Father I pray that you provide a fine, sweet, nice guy like Wizkid to ask me out. I promise to take care of him well and nothing bad will happen between us in the night.

I thank you for the corporate dinner President Jonathan organized for daddy and other business men. I also thank you for the lunch that he had with Uncle Dave and his fellow youths. Father, I pray that you touch his heart to organize a breakfast session for us the Nigerian children too. I know that he will give us money for sweets and it will not be tom-tom.

I commit Brother Chisom into your mighty hands even as he writes his JAMB this Saturday. I pray O God that the runs flow well-well in his centre so that he will make mummy and daddy proud.

I also pray that you touch Facebook people so that they will remove age limit from their site and allow children to join too so that it’s not only Brother Chisom them that will be enjoying it alone.

Finally Lord, you remember the last time that there was voters registration exercise, I did not go to school for up to one month. I was very happy. Please Lord, let the INEC people find another excuse to do another one. And please make this one to reach like 90days. I will come back to return all the praise and glory to your holy name. Amen.

Follow this writer on twitter @stanleyazuakola

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