Ifeoma ‘Oma Areh: 5 ways to know if the Brazilian hair is truly yours

Spare me the lecture on the benefits of going au-naturel, I have heard it all; from the smug ‘that is the way you were created’ to the supposedly intellectual ‘when it comes to looks, African women suffer from a serious inferiority complex’.

I am at my desk, trying to perform an honest day’s work. Then a cocky, self-assured male colleague walks up and quietly examines the mane of Peruvian hair perfectly blended with mine lying in full glory on my back; “Your hair looks beautiful,” he offers. Smiling, I am about to offer the perfunctory thanks when he intentionally blows it; “Is it yours?” He adds smoothly.  My mind swells in rage, spoilt for the choicest expletives to bestow on this arrogant male. What bloated gall?! The flaming liberty! Who I repeat, who asks a full-blooded female of African descent such a question?!

Can you imagine the level of kinkiness I wake up to every morning? Can you navigate the rainforest (yes, I meant that) that beclouds my features on any given day I go natural? Kindly note that I can only bring this hair to some semblance of order armed with a wide toothed comb, leave-in conditioner, detangling hair spray and the will only a woman in labour can muster.  Finally, I slather on hair crème whose nauseating scent I have to hope does not overshadow my perfume.

Now, understand that this is no monthly or weekly event, but a daily styling nightmare I must undertake if I will ever affix the moniker, ‘natural glory’ in reference to my hair. That, my dear is why we are so few that can carry it virgin as it is.

We weren’t all made to go the low cut route or grow some ‘wikkid’ dreadlocks, just as practically all of us will never see or feel our hair sashay on our waists. We will always regret swimming with our hair because of the convoluted and tangled mass it will inevitably become as soon as it dries out. We will never sit arms spread wide, our hair flying with the wind atop a sleek convertible; instead of looking marvelously tousled and mussed up, we would end up looking like zombies in a low budget horror movie.

Spare me the lecture on the benefits of going au-naturel, I have heard it all; from the smug ‘that is the way you were created’ to the supposedly intellectual ‘when it comes to looks, African women suffer from a serious inferiority complex’. Some men suggest that we borrow too much from western cultures and therefore should reject it and go as nature intended. That is alright if you want to, but you might as well set the pace by giving up all form of western inventions including clothing, deodorant and the clipper because everything western is unnatural, reach into the inner you for the inspiration to be yourself.

Back to the question, ‘is it yours?’ To give an unbiased answer, I very humbly refer to the ultimate test of proof of true ownership:

Question 1: Did you pay for it? Oh yes indeed I did. Whenever I come across hair that looks like a dreamy version of mine, I give in and let my wallet perform its duties; After all, I am not talking about blue or pink hair here.

Question 2: Do you care for it? What do you call shampoo, conditioner, hair spray, brush and a weekly visit to the salon? That is Tender Loving Care at its finest and the hair reciprocates by looking good!

Question 3: Do you have genuine feelings for it? From the first instant I laid eyes on these divine tresses it was unquestionably love at first sight and with each passing visit to the salon for a fix and touch-up the love only grows. I must also mention that I blush deeply and flick the strands whenever a compliment is paid on my hair.

Question 4: Would you give your life for it? Willingly I assure you, but that would defeat the purpose seeing as I would not be present to enjoy it. Let me rephrase, I would guard it with all my heart; these days this is the closest one can come to altruism.

Question 5: Is it easily identifiable as yours? Well, it looks like mine (after the stylist has worked on it), it can only be detached from mine with a razor blade (just like Samson’s hair!) and if it ever caught fire people would shout “your gorgeous hair is on fire!”

Upon sorting these myriad but supremely relevant questions in my head, there is only one conclusion to the conceited question that launched this monologue. I take a deep breath and look calmly and unflinchingly into his eyes, dredging up the most confident and earnest smile ever, and reply sweetly, “yes of course, it is mine” without waiting for an answer, I swivel back to my desk and get on with the day’s work.

This conversation is ended…… absolutely.

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‘Oma Areh is an image management and P.R professional who plies her trade with WildFlower PR&Company. Tinted Glasses is her weekly YNaija column. Follow her on Twitter @wildflowerpr

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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Comments (13)

  1. Osai Ojigho thanks for the tips. If we didn't talk about this now how would we have gotten this important information from you :)?

  2. Victoria Nwogu thats exactly what i have been going through, hence the decision to go natural, most of the hair creams out there are just too greasy and in cold weather like we have here most of the time, this just clumps up and makes things worse, i have resorted to using vaseline on my hair because its fragrance free. Help!!!

  3. You need to find a salon that knows what they are doing. Ask your stylist for Avon Keracare Affirm relaxer. But each hair is different so s/he may recommend something else. Also use aftercare products, i swear by the keracare overnight cream now. It keeps your hair moisturised without buildup. If you want to go natural, there are products now that make it easier – try the keracare natural range, it keeps tangles away & make it soft. The products costs more than regular ones. This talk about hair, if I plait my hair in braids or cornrows – is that more natural than locks. Should I use thread to 'koko' my hair & would it make the magazine cover? See your hair as an accessory and play with it as you can. Enough said!

  4. Yes, the headaches! But on the other hand totally thinned out hair if I add any chemicals no matter how mild. I'm just stuck! I need the perfect moisturizer that won't stick to my hair in clumps or stand out in white flaky contrast to my dark hair and won't stink the house down. Ideas anyone?

  5. done the natural thing and was left with crazy headache so aint going there! I love and am comfortable with whatever I do as long as it is well moisturized, it is always great. To each her own abeg!

  6. My dear i feel your pain, my hair is the afro kinkiest ever, it does not even retouch, its been badly damaged by relaxers over the years and an attempt at changing my hair colour, so i've finally decided to go back to my natural hair. I know it will be hard but i am willing to give it a try….try whipping shea butter with almond oil, i hear its very good….hang in there

  7. Lol! Lami Atta-ahmed, wish you were here to help me manage my Afro kinky mane today :)! I have followed so many websites and tutorials on the issue but my hair must be the tightest, thickest and kinkiest hair in Africa and all those natural oils, curl activators and conditioners just end up making it worse! Oga has been promoting Brazilian hair all year. I finally succumbed just this morning, so I'm taking this post as a sign …

  8. Judge not and yes shall not be judged. Please leave our hair alone. Well said 'Oma.

  9. Judge not and yes shall not be judged. Please leave our hair alone. Well said 'Oma.

  10. Well said girl! Tell me about the troubles of managing natural kinky, African hair!

  11. OK lol 🙂

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail