Opinion: I love my chairman, any other feeling would be sacrilege

by Rahman Ganiy

chairman“CAVEAT: This is Satirical, albeit based on real persons is purely fictional and is fit for no one’s consumption.

Today, My Local Government Area chairman, was in the area to unveil a newly sunk borehole. Belly and being were ordering entities, as though belly was only but an appendage to the body. Wherever my chairman went his belly guided the way. His belly went and he trudged along.

Which is what brings us here; You see, I’m proud of my chairman and immensely grateful to God for his existence and will eternally be. It’s disheartening that people appreciate he’s not a gaunt, scrawny, sub-sophisticated simpleton. God forbid we have such a thin, unimposing, unboisterous chairman! Their type are famous for being such frugal and selfish beings.

Imagine a chairman without the magnificence of a pot belly – friends, that’s a sign of a badly led life. Okay, maybe an analogy is required here, When you see a human on the plus side, what jumps on you is: “Ha! This one lives the good life!” These humans in question, give off airs of hope, that there is of course still enough food in the world and in your region for one man to have the body of ten. Keyword being hope.

Thereafter you skimp off smiling and pleased with the world in its complexities and banalities. After all, this is Africa and its distant cousin, famine, can only be so near.

Now project this: a world where you wake up to your TV to see chinese chopsticks of a man speaking of hope and fruitful futures on your screen, that he should go feed himself and his family first is what first comes to mind The Yorubas Say; “He who’d give one clothes, we should look at the clothes on his neck first. (To prevent meaning being lost in translation).

I don’t know about other LGA chairmen but our chairman is the most selfless I know and only rightly slots seamlessly into the ilk of such good men mentioned hitherto, harbouring all that money for a whole LGA to himself and family. We all know how money, especially when you have it, causes so much headaches. How to decide on what car to buy for the girlfriend, what unheard country to jet off to for Valentine’s that’d make the wife’s friends green of envy. Harvard or Yale for the kids and other such sleepless-nights causing problems money foists on the haves. And then one man sacrifices to shoulder all these problems with his family alone. That he siphones public funds isn’t a carte blanche, it’s his tacit way of saying; “Let me be your hero and take care of your money and the problems it harbours. ‘cos I care.”

Now come on, don’t be an ingrate!

And to crown it all, my Chairman pees in a straight, colourless stream.

You see, during the unveiling of the one single borehole he promised my ward in 2011 – which he did in December 2014 – not because elections are a corner away but that he actually cares and meant every promise he ever made, he took careful carefulness to answer to the liquid call of nature in lieu of speaking to his people first. My Chairman sought to relieve his innate pressings in the gutter which -by sheer happenstance and not negligence- is overgrown with decade old weed over a bedrock of washed away bitumen which used to be on the roads. He clearly was unaware of the presence of the culvert beneath as roadside overgrown weed is only a natural pee-collecting point. My Chairman proceeded and pee-d in the most natural and proper method known to man hence proving his aversion to conforming to such morbid values as providing public latrines and WCs.

This also confirms that he was not showboating as we all watched on as this living wonder of a man was partially shielded by armed policemen – you never can tell the evil, malevolents lurking in these overgrown roadside bushes – empty his kidney via a straight uncoloured stream of pee, unperturbed by thousands of disbelieving eyes and wagging tounges. Isn’t colourless pee but a sign of only a clean body, mind and soul? Even science vindicates this juggernaut of a man.

All These would go on to cement his place in our hearts as a God-fearing man.

Bards belted ballads while the others cheered him on as he took his pee with peace and glee.

But look, if your chairman pees all over in a bathroom shower-esque stream or like a insecticide or perfume or weed spray as the case may be, haul him over to the strongest ‘Man of God’ around in an heartbeat.

Peeing in a shower stream is Demonic. This I’m sure you know.

And to those who think I might have a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in the words of a great man,’Bad Belle, is allowed, is allowed’ – Jude Abaga 2014.

I like my chairman. Any other feeling would be sacrilege. You have differing views on my chairman? Your village people have a hand in it no doubt.

Please duly do the needful, get to the nearest available hill or rocky terrain, you will surely find a sin-cleansing profit organisation offering their services.

My LGA Chairman is Prince Abass Aleshinloye, who is yours?”
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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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