by Olusegun Dada
The reason why most fail in politics is, they come into politics without a dime and they hope to be reckoned with. This is impossible! ‘Initial gra-gra’ money is required. Dull not, I urge thee.
This manual should ordinarily cost millions of Naira to purchase, but because I am an observant Nigerian who has taken time to study the political landscape of this great country, I have decided on my own volition as a good-willed person to share a little of what I have learnt in the little time I have been on this earth and prided myself as a Nigerian.
The truth is, Nigeria is a country with all sorts of characters. Fortunately, this country is a land of opportunities. a country where you can go to bed as a pauper and wake up as a billionaire without questions being asked. Nigeria is a country where no one questions the rich. Anyone who has the guts to question a rich man automatically becomes an enemy of progress. An envious enemy of progress at that.
Forget all you learnt in school! The fact that you are a doctor who is supposed to be in a hospital saving the lives of the poor, doesn’t matter. The fact that you graduated as an engineer, biochemist, accountant etc, doesn’t mean jack. The truth is, you don’t even need to be literate at all. Just stick to the rules I will outline below and you are assured of being on your way to glory. If you do not intend to be a politician, now is the time to stop reading:
Nigerians are very snobbish people. If it becomes a proven fact that you never graduated from a fancy tertiary institution, they will never take you seriously! So you have one of two options: one, go to a school and study any course you want. You don’t need to graduate at the top of your class. All you need the degree for is as an addition to your name (for example Dr Olusegun Dada. Bsc (hons) Msc (hons) phd (hons) MBA (hons) FRSC, LSDPC etc). The more the degrees, the brighter your chances of succeeding as a politician. Two, you can decide never to step your feet in a university but proceed to Oluwole area of Lagos to buy yourself a couple of degrees. Nigerians have this belief that a man who has dozens of educational degrees is leadership material. That explains why a certain doctorate degree holder became president. ‘Dull not’, I urge thee.
2. Finding a political party:
In the great wisdom of those who wrote our country’s constitution, it was decided that for one to succeed as a politician in our nation, one has to join a political party. Simply put, for you to succeed in Nigeria as a politician, you need to find a political party. Don’t waste your time with those ‘oga-madam’ political parties that only exist in briefcases and on the pages of newspapers. Go straight for the biggest and most powerful ones in your local government. Let me add this: for your entry into that political party to be noticed by all and sundry in that area, you need some ‘initial gra-gra’ money. Whatever way you can, find this money! The reason why most fail in politics is, they come into politics without a dime and they hope to be reckoned with. This is impossible! ‘Initial gra-gra’ money is required. Dull not, I urge thee.
3. Finding a godfather:
It is impossible to succeed in the slugfest that is Nigerian politics without a godfather. Finding a godfather is easy. Getting a godfather to believe in you however, is harder than drilling a hole through Olumo Rock. You see, godfathers have only two codes that most upcoming politicians find difficult to live by. These codes are generosity and loyalty. In searching for a godfather, look for one with track records of selecting his loyalists into office. He will probably have a large family and a large part of your ‘initial gra gra’ money must be devoted to him and his entire family. Pay him frequent visits and drop fat envelopes before you leave. Buy gifts for his numerous wives and children and be assured he will notice you. The next step is making him trust you. Do whatever he asks of you without complaints or questions. Never ever betray his trust (at least till you are strong enough politically to) if he puts a gun in your hand and asks you to kill someone, go ahead! It is all part of the hustle. Even if he takes you to a shrine and asks you to strip naked, don’t ask him why…. Don’t argue! Just do it! ‘Dull not’, I urge thee
4. Clinching the nomination:
After getting the godfather to trust you, be rest assured that you have crossed the first hurdle to what makes one successful in Nigerian politics. The next step is clinching the nomination. Start small. Don’t jump the gun by looking to become a presidential candidate or something else, or you may end up with some six hundred votes like one uncle I know. Start from a local government chairman or State honourable and with the “right” party, you will win. The right political party won’t be the best. It will be the party with the largest amount of thugs who have mastered the art of ballot snatching and stuffing. ‘Dull not’, I urge thee.
5. Winning the Election:
Once you clinch the nomination, you are almost there. Start sending gifts to judges, policemen, area thugs, pastors, Imams, herbalists and everyone you can think of. By gifts, I mean raw cash! Serious money! You will need these people to win elections. You will need the judges to uphold your candidacy after you rig yourself in. You will need policemen to look the other way when your thugs snatch and stuff ballot boxes. You will need pastors and Imams depending on your adopted religion to endorse you and lay curses on any of their members who dare not cast their votes for you. You will need herbalists for spiritual backing. All these people are important for your ambition. ‘Dull not’, I urge thee.
6. Now that you have won:
On the day you are declared, raise two fingers in the air or choose any other signature sign. It is important for your career as people will remember you by it. Also in addition to your signature sign, find a signature attire. It could be a cap with special markings or a bowler hat. It is with this signature attire that you will know who your real loyalists are. The ones who struggle to dress exactly like you, are your true loyalists…. Now that’s an addendum. In your victory speech, give glory to the god of your chosen religion and his messengers. Say ‘there is no victor nor vanquished’ (we all know that is some super story. You just have to say it for reasons I can’t disclose now). Don’t thank your thugs or herbalist(s) or godfather. The only way you can show them appreciation is by sending them wads of cash. ‘Dull not’, I urge thee.
Dada Olusegun is a registered member of Congress for Political Change (CPC), he is a writer cum social change advocate. He is a political columnist on #EkekeeeDotCom and contributor on numerous online blogs and newspapers. He is a motivational speaker who is also involved in youth empowerment and enlightenment programs nationwide. He tweets from @Dolusegun.
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.