by Cord Jefferson
*We loved this piece from Gawker so much, we emailed them and took it!
For all of humanity’s greatness—the pyramids, the Hoover Dam, our capacity to love—human beings have proven ourselves quite capable of doing truly disgusting things, also, including waging wars, acting upon greed, and wearing those godforsaken toe shoes. In an effort to build a more just, rational, and aesthetically pleasing future, here is a list of 22 things Gawker is banning in 2013. At the stroke of midnight on December 31, be sure to either immediately stop doing the actions listed here, or, if it’s an object that’s being banned, a toe shoe, perhaps, incinerate it in a trash can. The civilized world thanks you!
Twee mustache nonsense: Mustaches on champagne flutes, mustaches on t-shirts, mustaches on hats, MUSTACHE FINGER TATTOOS. It’s an unwritten rule that nothing this ubiquitous is funny, but I’m not sure the mustache thing was ever funny. It is facial hair; get over it.
Twee framed sayings: You can try and trick yourself into believing that your inspirational saying posters are better than the corny inspirational posters hanging in fifth grade classrooms, what with their elegant fonts and nice frames, but it is unfortunate that you will be wrong.
T-shirt companies: Oh, god, please, no more t-shirt companies in 2013. Do you know how many people are already making t-shirts? Thousands and thousands on Etsy alone, and with everything on them from “witty” sayings like “eat kale” to pictures of Jeff Goldblum. We do not need anyone else to exert brain power in an effort to come up with more goddamn t-shirts.
The trend of pop stars calling their fans specific names: Lady GaGa has Little Monsters, Nicki Minaj has Barbies and Kens, Bieber has Beliebers, One Direction has Directioners. Why do we do this annoying thing? Let’s just go back to calling people “fans” in 2013.
Taking a picture with an iPad: Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look when you do this? Use your phone to take a picture of yourself taking a picture with an iPad, then look at how ridiculous you look.
Pretending that being a nerd is a bad thing anymore: It’s no longer self-deprecating to call yourself a “nerd”—”I’m reading ‘Game of Thrones.’ SO NERDY!”—so stop pretending that it is. Nerds started Apple and Facebook and everything else people obsess over nowadays, and comic book movies are consistent blockbusters at theaters. Nerds are the most powerful people in the world now. Nerds are the new jocks.
“Retweets do not equal endorsements”: Jesus Christ, do we need to see this ever again in someone’s fucking Twitter bio? It’s like the “No Smoking” signs on airplanes. We get it. If your company makes you add this disclaimer, tell the higher-ups they are stupid for doing so. If you add this disclaimer yourself just because you want to, you are bad at the internet.
All those kind of frivolous one- or two-word Twitter responses to things that have happened: “Dead,” “I can’t,” “shots fired,” “bye,” “facepalm,” “smart take,” “+1.” Plus one? What game are we playing? Who is keeping score? This game sucks.
Parody Twitter accounts: This year saw a damn “Fired Big Bird” account, a binders full of women account, a Sean Hannity’s hair account, and about a thousand others, and yet not a single one produced a single funny thing. Here is a sample tweet from @BindersWoman: “I don’t always use binders. But when I do, I like them full of women #bindersfullofwomen.” Cool “joke.” Since when did political satire become seeing who could race to the computer to register a widely known phrase as a Twitter handle the fastest? Since 2012 is when. Cut this shit out in 2013.
The word “swag”: If you’re over 18, you should never be using the word “swag” to describe anything. If you do use it, you should do so ironically after doing something awful. For example: “I had to go home and change because I was running for the bus and slipped and fell in dog poop. Swag!”
“Keep Calm and Carry On” posters: Know what this slogan was originally all about? It was to boost morale in England in case the Nazis went from just bombing the hell out of British citizens to full-on invading their cities and slaughtering them. And you’re hanging it in your living room because why? To remind yourself to buck up because your boss doesn’t appreciate all the work you put into that last project? Take these off your walls and carry on.
Instagramming pictures of food: A long, long time ago, in the year 2002, people used to just order food at restaurants and eat it, and it was a pretty enjoyable experience. Now every other meal you have to wait to dig in because your obnoxious dining companion wants to snap a picture of all the courses and immediately upload them to the internet to keep everyone abreast of their refined tastes. What is wrong with you people? And then all the pictures end up looking completely unappetizing and vile. Just let me eat, please. You eat, too. Put away the camera and eat.
Talking about bacon: Man, please, just shut the fuck up about bacon.
Talking about food at all, actually: The next time you’re about to talk a whole lot about some food you ate a while ago, because you are a “foodie” (UGH!), be aware that you’re talking about something that is literally shit now. Never have so many people been so obsessed with something that starts becoming literal shit the moment it passes your lips.
$300 headphones: Know the best part about buying $300 headphones instead of just wearing cheap, simple, and effective earbuds like everyone else? Not being able to hear people say they feel embarrassed for you. If you are not a record producer or a DJ, stop buying $300 headphones in 2013.
Getting tattoos on your face: About to get a tattoo on your face? A tattoo of the Mitt Romney “R,” maybe? Before going under the needle, check to see if you’re a famous rapper. If you are not, do not get a tattoo on your face. Not even rappers should do that, but Gucci Mane is not known for his common sense.
Skinny jeans: I still wear skinny jeans sometimes, but I probably shouldn’t. That shit is from 2007, guys.
Drop-crotch pants: Is this a thing anywhere else in the United States besides New York and Los Angeles? Regardless, drop-crotch pants need to be hunted down to whatever corners of the earth in which they exist and totally extinguished.
Toe shoes: What happens when you accidentally step in a pile of puke with these nightmares on your feet? Do you get your fingers in there and clean the vomit out from between the toes with your bare hands? That is revolting. These are revolting.
Karmin: You’ve had more than a year to get your fill of these guys’ treacly, watered-down versions of otherwise fine songs. Hopefully that was enough time to develop a deep dislike for them, like a rational person, because Karmin is not allowed to enter 2013.
Talking incessantly about Apple products: It’s funny that Apple’s most famous commercial was about releasing brain dead zombies from the technology status quo, and now you can’t swing an iPhone without some other Apple-obsessed maniac evangelizing at you about how “THIS IS THE MOST INTUITIVE AND BEAUTIFUL PRODUCT ON THE MARKET!” Then there are the people who put the Apple stickers on their cars, so that other drivers may know they have an expensive computer. Oy vey. Great, you love a multibillion-dollar corporation.
Dubstep: Dubstep is unlistenable garbage. No more dubstep in 2013.