by Opeyemi Akinkusote

Contrary to many whacked views (I got no apology for saying this), you don’t have to be good in bed to keep a man!

To be honest, this article is more focused on female folks than male. Howbeit, a guy can learn one or two things to pass on to his sisters, female cousins or better still daughters.

It is a generally known fact that women are more emotional and full of empathy than men. This is one of the reasons why women generally seem to be better parents than fathers; because they can easily relate to the change in mood and behavioural pattern of their kids faster than a father who would have finished watching a game of soccer before noticing that one of his kids had been seated beside him all through the 90 minutes of the game.

Because women are more wired towards emotions, it is only “natural” that women can be and are indeed sentimental about most things they are emotionally connected to. That explains why a girl can suddenly burst into tears about not finding the pair of red pumps she had mentally planned she will wear with a sky blue dress for an interview. Even though she might have other pairs of red shoes, the very fact that she didn’t get to wear those exact red pumps is almost sufficient to alter her entire mood for the day, and if care isn’t taken, that day will start and end on a bad note for her.

Now before you think am all out to insult the sensibility of the female specie, it should interest you to know am a female! So this is no attack on a gender I know nothing about. I wrote this article to help females like me know how to manage their emotions without making several mistakes based on emotions. And the focal point of one of the mistakes a female can make based on emotions is one involving sex, especially outside the scope of marriage. And this has nothing to do with whether you have lost your virginity or not as it’s never too late to retrace one’s steps at the discovery of a better path.

When it comes to the area of sex, 90% of ladies that give in to sex voluntarily (am not talking about instances of rape or other forms of sexual defilement as contained in the criminal code as crimes) at some point sold a lie to themselves that they were making that decision independent of any inducement, threat or promise. Truth is that at some point or the other, someone, society, movies, media, friends etc. had reinforced it in them that:

a)      You have to be good in bed in order to keep your man.

b)      If you don’t give in to his sexual advances, he will dump you for someone else who will.

c)      Even if he does not dump you for someone else, he will be cheating on you with someone who will agree to have sex with him. And you wouldn’t want that, would you?

d)     You really can’t find a man who would not want sex before marriage. Stop living in a fantasy world.

e)      Sex makes you better connect with your partner than any other means of communication.

f)       Sex helps you stop having menstrual cramps during your menstrual cycle.

g)      How can you tell if someone will satisfy you in bed for the rest of your life? So start learning and seeing if you are compatible now before you get neck deep.

h)     Nobody really wants to marry a virgin.

i)        There are significant health benefits for starting out an early sexual life.

Contrary to many whacked views (I got no apology for saying this), you don’t have to be good in bed to keep a man! Yeah I said it. You will realize soon enough that there are several other needs of an average human that transcend beyond sex. The need for acceptance, success, support, love, loyalty, admiration and encouragement, and the list is inexhaustible. So you see, if your main goal is to satisfy ‘your man’ sexually above all other needs, the day he has need for ‘a listener’ or ‘a cheerleader’ you will most likely be ‘unwanted and unneeded’ at those times. And guess what, even for men who pride themselves on being all for and all about sex, they will shut you out at those moments.

 

Furthermore, the whole farce about there is no man who would not want sex before marriage is what it is; a farce. Contrary to stories making the rounds, there are a good number of men who are subscribers to “no sex before marriage” and guess what, they aren’t impotent, and some of them aren’t cheating on their abstaining partners by being sexually involved with someone else.

And if a man were to dump you because you want to abstain from sex before marriage, that’s his loss not yours. It just goes to show how irresponsible and immature he is and apparently, you don’t have the same core values. And the last thing any person should work hard to keep is a partner who doesn’t have the same core values as you; because eventually, the absence of those core values will bring ceaseless conflicts, sometime in the nearest future.

Also, some things are designed to separate the boys from the men. Boys usually can’t wait to have something (e.g. a toy, food or even games). A (real) man on the other hand knows there is something called timing; so if dinner is not ready, he knows better to wait until the cook is done with the cooking. He knows that if he can’t play a game now, there is always another time (especially if the game is his as in marriage). And you giving in to sex with him wouldn’t let him mature. Rather, it will only reinforce him that as a boy, he always has to throw tantrums in order to get what he wants.

A man on the other hand works, watches and waits to see the results of his labour. And you shifting grounds would only be sending messages that he can do whatever he wants and very soon, he just might be cheating because he would evidently have no self-control or discipline.

In relation to early sexual activity helping to prevent or minimize the impact of menstrual cramps during menstrual cycle, it is a blatant lie. I know one too many friends who are sexually active and some of them have menstrual pains that lead to them being hospitalized and the pains are the same as when they were virgins. And if you think am lying, do a little survey of your own: look for ladies and girls who usually have serious menstrual cramps and pains and ask them to answer truthfully if they are sexually active. You can get back to me on your findings.

With regards to sex helping you connect with your spouse, it is very possible. But let me just say that such connections won’t last a long time. It is like drugs; you get high and after a while, the effect of the drugs wears off and next you know, you will be needing a quick fix to feel irie. And guess what, that kind of connection only makes you vulnerable! You know how drugs leaves its victims on the brink of insanity when they are not on it, that is exactly the state you will be in. You will become so dependent on the guy that the very sight of you will begin to disgust him because he will know you have become totally dependent on him (it is scary but important to know that a guy can  have sex with a girl/lady without any pinch of emotion). And last but not least, you will be used! It will no longer be a case of equal parties in the relationship anymore; yours will be the case of slave and task master. When he asks you to jump, you will be asking him “how high”. I don’t think anyone really wants that for herself; to be in the position of an object.

True there have been several researches and studies that have postulated that early sexual activity helps improve one’s health one way or another. I know doctors who have come to scientifically prove the opposite of such arguments, too. I generally believe science is in itself confused! Today we are told that caffeine is good, tomorrow; it is a different postulation. Today you should eat this and that food because it is good for your health; in the next three months, you are told you are at risk for eating such food stuffs. But let us say for the sake of argument, science is right about all the benefits of sex that they have ever come up with in order to catalyze us into much active and early sexual lives, we must never forget that there was an age where to be a non-virgin at the time of your wedding was tantamount to being called a witch. You will in that age be better off dead; because the harm and shame won’t come to you alone, but to your family too. Anyway, back to that age of moral sanctity, men and women both lived full and long lives in the literal sense of those words without engaging in sexual activity until they were married. This only goes to buttress that there are some folks who keep making discoveries that will let us keep losing our moral and religious sanctity .

Lastly on one of the myths I stated earlier, there are several things that an individual does not need to be taught. Those things are part of the human instincts. Remember, no one teaches a baby that when your mummy puts her nipple in your mouth, you must suck it, for that is the only way you can feed. No one teaches a baby that when you are hungry, cold, hot or feeling uncomfortable with your diapers, cry out non-stop till you are given attention and made more comfortable. In the same vein, virgin or not, you will instinctively know what to do with regards to sex when you get married. Stop buying lies cheap lies.

Don’t fall for that hideous line. The best of gems are never even left on display in jewelry stores; they are only brought out when the intending buyer has been confirmed to be able to pay the price. Such jewels are only brought out on demand based on the value of the intending buyer. Stop cheapening yourself.

The beauty of being able to walk away from a silly and wrongly entered relationship because you have not had any form of sexual relations with the guy is priceless. Even the guy will know it is his own loss. Most guys like that will beg to have the girl/lady back as opposed to the one they have had sex with and who is seen as ‘conquered’. Even when a guy breaks your heart, you are hurt; but the hurt is nothing compared to when he has had his way with you sexually.

For those who think “I slept with him and we still got married; all hell did not break lose joor,  let me just inform you of what we both know: you know deep down that you can’t trust your husband alone with some attractive girls, and truth be told, he cannot trust you either with other men, because you both know that you weren’t disciplined in the area of sex when you were dating or engaged. You can’t give what you don’t have.

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Opeyemi Akinkusote is a final year student of law. She’s passionate about empowering women and protecting women against violence. She loves to be around children educating them. She spends her time making the world a better place by advocating for love and good conscience.

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.