by Ore Fakorede
Sex & The Big City: The Predator’s Concise Guide (Part 2)
If NOT DOING the things from Part 1 yesterday is too hard for you, then you should make DOING the following second nature.
Why? With exploration comes discovery. Never stay in your comfort zone, geographically and mentally. Push the boundaries of what you can do and who you can talk to. Take French classes and practise your verbs by chatting up Francophone girls. Read The Kama Sutra. Step outside your social circle, mix and mingle in alien territory. Soon, you’ll be the Christopher Columbus/Confucius hybrid of the sexual world.
2. Define your taste.
Why? If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. Set reasonably high standards for yourself. Don’t target university girls because they’re easy to get. When they finally learn to play hard-to-get, you’ll start chasing teenage girls from the high school down the street, right? There’s no such thing as stooping to conquer where sex is concerned. It is far better to fail and try again at pole-vaulting than to be nothing more than the local long jump champion all through life.
3. Groom your body, and your mind.
Why? Image is everything. A hairy man is not a man at all, he’s an ape! Get a hair removal cream and disposable razors, for crying out loud! Shaving your pubic hair makes Mini-Me look good and it gives women an impression that you’re a pro in bed (even if you’re not one). A bi-weekly haircut is not a luxury, get it done with your own clipper at a tested and trusted barbershop.
Smell good. Get a cologne that mixes well with your natural scent and stick to it. Don’t just use a deodorant, use an anti-perspirant deodorant. Pedicures and manicures are not for the ladies alone, get your nails did (preferably privately to save your blushes).
Get your body in shape. Workout three days a week at a real gym (not in your garage, with 50-liter kegs). Don’t overdo it though, remember that Rome (and every other city) wasn’t built in a day. Besides, tired muscles will not add points to your bedroom performance stats.
Increase your knowledge! Read e-zines, magazines and books. Sharpen your reasoning by playing strategy games like chess. Be familiar with every known sex position. The smartest boys always get the hottest girls.
4. Act confident.
Why? Faintheart never won Fairlady. Chickens will only mate chickens, not eagles. Acting frightened, fragile or being a compulsive sissy will limit your area of influence to the old ladies’ (read: menopaused) section. Take the lead and orchestrate the plans! Make eye contact and keep it while conversing. Always strut your stuff (as long as you actually know it). Your trumpet won’t blow itself now, will it? Easy on the high notes though, egotists are pretty boring.
5.Turn on the charm.
Why? Apart from money , which you may not have much of, nothing else opens doors (and pushes legs apart) like it. Breed your charm lovingly, like roses. Teach yourself how to be witty in a non-patronizing manner. Create your own brand of humour. Avoid corny, crude jokes and generic by-lines. If you’re naturally dry, get a ‘Night Of A Thousand Laughs’ DVD and watch it over and over again. Anything to save you from a charmless life.
6. Reach out.
Why? If you live alone, you’ll die alone. While a hint of aloofness is essential, being a loner can ruin everything. Make human contact, don’t always be the well-dressed guy that drinks gallons of Ace Of Spades alone in the corner of the bar. Buy a stranger a drink, she just might want more than liquor. Or maybe you’d rather keep jerking-off every night.
7. Be ready to improvise.
Why? Even the best plans fall apart. Get creative. Think ahead. Your car could develop engine trouble: have a number for a cab in your phonebook. You might run out of cash on a date: keep an ATM card reserved for emergencies in your wallet. Pick up skills that will make you useful when out of a swivel chair! Women love men that can work with their hands. Use your brain often, that’s why you have it!
8. Put your best foot forward.
Why? There is no such thing as a second impression. Perfection is not elusive, it’s just relative. Define it in your own terms. Be firm in your approach. Dress to kill. Invest in a style consultant or subscribe to a style magazine like The Gentlemen’s Quarterly. Purchase the best fashion pieces you can afford. Don’t wear clashing colours when you’re going formal. Never wear whites more than once before washing them. Match your belt to your shoes, it’s the very least you can do. No patterned socks when you’re wearing sneakers. Please, throw those five-year old Nikes away! Turn yourself into a brand par excellence and the loyalty will follow naturally.
Also, since I assume that you no longer live with your mother, keep your apartment neat and clean. No frills, just Teutonic functionality. Get a cleaning lady to dust, wipe and scrub every week. Treat your car like a baby: keep it clean, inside and outside. Getting a car freshener isn’t optional, buy spares of the same fragrance.
9. Take the initiative.
Why? Heaven only helps those who help themselves. Don’t hope that the buxom lady sitting next to you in a restaurant will ask to borrow your knife, she won’t! Find (or create) some common ground to initiate a conversation, then fan it into an inferno without looking too eager. A simple “Hi, I love your shoes!” could put you on the road to an unforgettable sexual experience.
10. Know when to fold your cards and close shop.
Why? It is best to leave when the ovation is loudest. Once the deed has been done, fade into the darkness. A true predator never lingers around the remains of the kill, hoping for more of the same. Greed goes before a fall. Know that you can’t win ’em all. Never wait till the last moment when you’ll have to run out.
Now that your ignorance has been educated, you can go on a safari, right? No, not without the final part in this series. Tomorrow!