Short story: The sex life of a Lagos mad woman

 

Photo credit: CNN

 

by ‘Seun Salami

Only Rosco’s thing is sweeter than that Indomie and egg in this life, you have to believe me. 

This place is not my house, but I live here.

It is not the type of place you want to call your home. Sometimes, I wonder how I have managed to call it mine since my uncle died, that should be five years ago, or six or seven.

It is a very smelly place, that’s what people who pass make you believe, because they are always covering their noses.

 But me and the grown men who smoke Indian hemp every morning, every afternoon and every night in that corner, always wonder why they cover their noses.

This place is very cold, because there are no doors, no windows, nothing. But there is a roof. That’s where the cars pass; plenty during the day and very few at night. The other ones who don’t pass my roof usually pass my frontage and I love watching them, especially those ones that are as big as houses and you can’t see the people inside because the glass is always black like charcoal.

I see a lot of things every day. A lot of things. I will tell you some and then one that happened today. The one that made me swear that I was not mad and I can never be because I couldn’t have done what the woman did.

It is sad that only one man here knows that I’m not really mad. That shameless one with his beards and hair dreadlocked like my pubic hair. Rosco. He hisses and shakes his head at me during the day like all the others in his gang. But I and he know that I am not mad. Because at night, very late in the night, when others have gone, he will call me into his danfo bus, and I will do to him what that stupid igbo he smokes cannot do to him.

I do not let him know I look forward to it. How can I? Then he will stop squeezing that N100 note into my left hand every time he gets up after he has pounded me to his heart’s content. He must think he has just raped a helpless mad woman as he zips his pants. Fool. He does not have any idea how my legs shake uncontrollable and how my bowels tremble and how the hair on my body stand still when he is inside me. Only that he is always too quick. I don’t know why, but I can’t complain. I have to wait till the next day or the next.

I’ll continue to let him believe he is raping me but deep inside me I know I will die if he does not call me like that for three days. I don’t ever want to return to those days of touching myself. How can I even think about it? Evil thoughts go back to your sender, please.

Back to what I was saying…the things I see here every day.

In the morning, I wake up with noise. Loud noise.

“Ojuelegba – stadium – barracks!” repeated four times in a roll so quickly; if you don’t live here you will think it is a call to war. I wonder where that is; a place whose name sounds like sport and war. Other times it is, “Itire – Lawanson” that I can hear louder.

Where do I even know? I’ve not left my house for many happy-new-years now. This is where I shout it every time it is time to shout it.

Then Rosco will wake up and start the engine of his bus. He will switch it off again and then go across the road and come back with water in a bucket. My eyes always go with him because I don’t want any careless early morning driver to knock him down. When he gets back to the danfo, he will go close to one of the tyres and bring out that his big thing to urinate. That is when I always wish he would call me, but never, the fool will never even speak to me, he will just shake his head like the others when they look at me. I have to wait till it’s very dark.

Then he will remove his clothes and leave his shorts on, pouring water on himself with either a bowl or his hands.  When it is time to chafe just below his waist, he will keep his hands in there for too long. This is why I know Rosco is a fool. Can’t he just remove the shorts and wash properly? Who else is watching?

When he finally leaves with his noisy danfo, I’ll turn my attention to the road. If I feel hungry, I will get up, re-arrange my house and make sure no one stole anything while I was asleep and then walk across the road to buy what I’ll eat.

Oh how I miss the woman who sells that early morning akara. She doesn’t come again these days because of Fashola’s people. So now I go to the aboki who prepares tea and indomie noodles and egg. Only Rosco’s thing is sweeter than that Indomie and egg in this life, you have to believe me. But the fool will not use his plate to serve me like other people, so I have to always remember to bring my own plate. He says I’m mad, yet, he knows how to collect my money and give me change. He doesn’t toy with my change any more since the day he saw me bite someone with these my teeth for calling me “Reveren sistaa”.

I hate that name. I hear those are the people who never do the thing me and Rosco do. They must really think I am one. Fools.

It may be better to ask me what I have not seen here than to ask me to start telling you the things that I see every day. I have seen rich men carry prostitutes away at night; I have seen a corpse dropped from one of those charcoal cars one night long time ago. I have also witnessed many fights between different gangs like Rosco’s group where they use machetes on themselves and left blood everywhere. I have also seen many okada people die like chicken from too much speed, especially at that junction over there. Only last week, a speeding trailer climbed one okada rider’s head spilling its content to the ground. I couldn’t eat for days after that. Let us not talk about it, please.

Yes, I promised to tell you about the incident that made me know that I am not mad, right? Actually that day I was just sitting on my own and I noticed a woman selling Coke, Pepsi and LaCasera that all these people buy and drink and then shine their teeth gleefully after only a gulp.

Suddenly she brought down the big container of drinks from her head by herself as if to sell to someone. Then she began to go round the container. Then she began to dance. Then I stood up. I wanted to understand what was happening. Then she started singing, and clapping like the people in those churches where they wear only white.

Then she untied her wrapper and used it to cover her wares. That’s when other people began to notice what I had been watching since. Then she removed her buba, revealing rounded breasts that made me jealous, only protected by a very fine bra with some shine-shine on it.

O ti n ya were o!” a bus conductor yelled as his bus passed and people stretched their necks to catch a glimpse, saying the woman was experiencing the beginning of madness.

Then the men who were walking began to stop and look. I’m sure they were waiting for her to remove the bra. I took my eyes away.

I can’t worry about her too much, because I myself I have a problem growing in my stomach, I feel like vomiting, and I am very dizzy and I am very worried. 

………

‘Seun Salami is a writer and editor. He is the author of ‘The son of your father’s concubine’, a collection of short stories. You can follow him on twitter @SeunWrites

 

 

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Comments (109)

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  4. Very interesting and sweet story, i do enjoy it, keep up guy.

  5. Made for an entertaining and compelling read. I'm 'wowed'!

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  10. Good sense of humor. Your narrative has captured the reality of the world around us in a satiric manner. beautiful

  11. Wow!!! I thought it was a real life story all along until I saw the comments.

    Nice story though. 😉

  12. Made in Nigeria, by a Nigerian. Seun Kudos to u.

  13. Wow… Seeing the world tru d eyes of a mad woman. Awesome write up. Pls finish it. It definately can't end there

  14. Was initially wary when I saw the title but all that is gone. Wow. U even managed to project the disconnected and flighty thought processes of a "mad" woman. Kudos.(Would have liked to see the english interspersed with pidgin-a lot of nigerians think about 30% in pidgin).

  15. Amazing.. I dint hesitate to open the link nd I wasn't disappointed!!! Nice 1

  16. Beautiful piece…I've always wondered wat goes on in d heads of mad pple…

  17. Impressive 🙂

  18. Absolutely interesting! Keep it up Bro!

  19. Great story! How did you ever think of this?

  20. Dis is absolutely great…its mind blowing…well arranged, organized and stated…I Love dat story n I want more.

  21. Niccccce article. Also,I don't agree with someone's comment that it should have been in pidgin. It can reach a wider audience this way(though you can intersperse it with pidgin english with translations beneath each page)

  22. Amazing piece…. Well written stuff!!! Looking forward to more of your work!

  23. Dis is reli gud seun.u ave succeeded in luring mi to twitter.u shld make a movie.dis is great.

  24. Hate to sound like Oliver Twist but I just want more…good read! Keep it coming Seun.

  25. Some of you were aroused while reading this don't lie. loool

  26. Beautiful story. When do the sequels get posted? #WeAwait…The 'mad woman' appears to be pregnant for Rosco. ^_^

  27. Nice one bro

  28. Very creative. I am impressed, would love to know the conclusion.

  29. I do not agree sir.

  30. Your language is concious of something i havent seen a comment, i'll reserve that till we see. And i do not agree with Greg at all!(pidgin) Sequel yes pls,keep it coming.

  31. Seun u're so talented just keep it up dis a nice piece i read it from beginning to d end it never feel boring so interested.

  32. This is a great read…. I hope there's a sequel. Good job mr Seun.

  33. Brilliant story, Seun pls write a sequel pls, definately ff on twitter. Keep it up

  34. Now I have a writer worthy of emulating. When I grow up, I want to write like you!

  35. Bravo! Keep the fire burning.

  36. in reply to 'tosyn' 'poetry' ? seriously?. in reply to 'finegirl' u can fit to pour sainsain inside person garri!!!. in reply to @seunwrites fantabuloustico!!!

  37. loved it, would like to read mor

  38. Why'd it have to end? Very interesting.. Following u now @SeunWrites

  39. A smooth piece, wonderfully written.

  40. Good thinking…keep it up

  41. I loved this! Nicely written story. Will now be cyber stalking you on Twitter! Keep up the good work! @ZaharaModels

  42. I hate short stories! They jst have a way of leaving yu high and dry. Not fair. This is awesome. I want more…

  43. Wow dis s very nice,its like a told story but never heard of …kudos

  44. OooooooOh ooooh.why did it end nah?'ENGROSING. #thumbsup

  45. writing from the view of the mad lady is something i must commend…. Shit!!!! if i dont follow u right now, den prolly twitter doesnt want me to

  46. Nice 1 menh love the story…keep it up

  47. OooooooOh ooooh.why did it end nah?'ENGROSING. #thumsbup

  48. wonderful!!!!! i loved it. to those who said it wud v cm out beta in pidgin,true dat. but its gooood…need to run to silverbird to get "the son of ur fathers concumbine"

  49. Good & brilliant article 2 get 4rm an insane woman…well I wouldn't encourage u 2 exploit insane pple but we can see another diff view of hw insane pple goes abt their lives…good wrk bro stay blezz.

  50. I like the imagination here. Conclusion??

  51. Crazy! I tell you. Crazy!

  52. Wow!I luv dis piece of good work n thots.sounds soooooooo real!m off to twitter to follow you pls follow back.

  53. Awesome piece. Reveals the mindset of the 'crazy'. Very cool

  54. Ohh my!this is awesome!finish it plssss.its nt nice.ow can u stop there?! 🙁 🙁 ….nw ffg u on twitter.

  55. I think you should consider making this a regular thing. Maybe a weekly column of Lagos through the eyes of a mad woman. I really wanted to read more. Was disappointed when it ended. More!

  56. Brilliant piece!!

  57. Artfully woven with the ability to hold the audience spellbound and expectant.Nice piece of creative writing.

  58. This is a very nice piece,pls how can one get it in full.

  59. Dis is a rily nice story it kept me glued to my pone buh it shld end dis way.i wanna read d complete version.

  60. Really good read!

    Very interesting!

    Bravo!

    Please, its "three times in a ROW", not roll. Just thought as an editor you should know this.

  61. Another genius is born to the nation!

  62. @SeunWrites this article is superb I love it,awesome please don't stop where can I get your books?

  63. I've been seeing the reviews on twitter all day. I don't regret reading eventually. When 1 of my twitter friends said to follow Seun, I did without asking questions, I know better now. Bless u Seun

  64. Awesome. Loved the flow.

  65. Seun, dis is fantastic. I followed the story all the way to the end. Great showing. Beautiful piece. I love it. Thanks for sharing with me.

  66. Loved it. A very interesting story, you are really good.

  67. Nice poetry. Keep it up

  68. Brilliant article Seun, brilliant article, thumbs up :)!

  69. You know what's funny, while reading through this really captivating piece, i kept picturing this 'mad' young missy around my neighbourhood! lawdamerci!!! You just got a new follower Seun!

  70. @seunwrites,this is wow! Writing from behind †нє mad lady's eyes. Been following ur discourse on twitter:lots of them (esp †нє ones abt ladies and men) and ℓ̊ must confess,this is good! More from you! Please

  71. Am loving this, this surely can't be the end.Off to twitter to follow you so I will know when u publish the concluding part.thumbs up

  72. You have never disappointed me. So proud of you bruv.

  73. Nice piece,Pidgin would not be bad. But I guess that ll take another skill set. It made for good reading. I wonder if it's a boy.

  74. Now I kno dat Seun is completely maaaaaaadt! LOL!

    As in…am so impressed..dis is d craziest write-up I ave ever seen..

    Wow! And I thot ur book was HOT..ppl ave got to kno of ur works…

    Am proud to know u

  75. Great work,Seun!

  76. Seun! why should it end like that nah, am really engrossed. Love it, keep it up. (Oliver twist)

  77. Wonderful…following him on twitter after reading this is BRILLIANT!

  78. Mehn! I love dis. Off to twitter…

    Oh, b4 den, someone said u shud ve made it pidgin. Hmm. Pple wen dey speak correct english dey mad too o. Bsides, she say she no dey mad…

    I beg enof analysis. Off to twitter.

  79. A luvly piece with great imaginative skills.Kudos!

  80. Wonderful piece…

  81. No doubt, Seun is a pro in the art of imaginative writing. @ileowo4ever

  82. Lovely, I read it over and over really interesting…

  83. I didn't hesitate to open the link when I got it and I wasn't disappointed either.

    Kudos Seun Salami

  84. Brilliant! Brilliant!! But somehow I think it would have come out better in pidgin.

  85. Wonderful narrative, I love the character of 'your' mad woman.

    Now following on twitter, hope you follow back

  86. This is mind blowing…I love this piece. Does it continue?

  87. Writing about a sane man is understandable, tapping from a mad woman's brain is mind blowing.. Kudos Seun!

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail