by Hauwa Gambo
So you guys have had a field day over the past two days laughing over Jide Taiwo’s attack on women, eh?
Well by popular demand, he’s going to get as good as he gave, so leggo ladies!
The man with prospects
When I am in school dating and searching for love, this is quite alright, but when I’m set to get married? Dude, show me your particulars. What have you been doing for the past 28 years of your life? And you still want me to trust your prospects or your potential? No way – by now you should have moved beyond potential: begin to fulfill your destiny, by fire! Then come back, maybe we’ll talk.
A man who always want to do everything, wants to be everywhere, jumps from one job to the next, with no clear sense of direction? God forbid, and I too forbid. Girlfriend, you need a man that knows exactly where he is going and works assiduously towards that goal, with calm and confidence; not jumping at every opportunity that passes by. One day, he’ll ask both of you to return the village and farm.
The Red Carpet Whore
Have you seen these boys that now are competing with the girls for foot-forward mouth-contorted-to-look-sexy poses on the red carpet (and, no, I will not call your name, Uti Nwachukwu)? Lord save the world from destruction! Seriously—how will my father feel if he is shown that picture when the man comes to pay my bride price? A man who is that desperate for attention is a waste. Women, yes. We are flowers; we are meant to be shown off. Men should be unconcerned, bored with the klieg lights; solid like a rock, no pun intended.
Have a seat, please. You might speak all the English you want about the line between metrosexual and homosexual and bisexual and omnisexual—there are just some things straight men don’t do. Don’t carry a mirror in your bag, don’t know the price of a female Chanel bag, don’t tweet about Louboutins, don’t be caught watching E! and by God! Let no woman call you ‘girlfriend’ or ‘babes’ around me.
And then this one is certain—I will not be going home to mama with a man in red or yellow or purple skinny jeans. The plan of the devil against my life shall not prosper.
Especially in Lagos and Abuja, I see well-dressed men, who attend every party, wear the most expensive get-ups, but are penniless. They are living in their friend or their brother’s houses, driving their friend or their sister’s car, working from their friend of their mother’s office – almost nothing to call their own. What kind of household witchcraft is that? Fiile! Don’t touch it!
Mr. Boyfriend, sha—why do you think it is appropriate to squeeze your girl’s bum in front of Silverbird Cinemas; Is this lack of home training? Ok, how would you feel if you see my own brother grabbing your sister’s bum in front of Shoprite, eh? Run from this kind of man o. He’s the same that will tell his friends how you moan in the bedroom, how long your period is, or if you have a tattoo underneath your breasts. Public display of affection is one thing, a man who cannot control himself is another matter entirely, thanks much.
The one-minute man
Oh, don’t let anyone deceive you about this particular matter—durable is better. Any woman would rather a man who can stay the course. You don’t need him to leave you sore, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life unsatisfied? Think about this matter well o. Sex is meant to be enjoyed please. No true enjoyment lasts for one minute.
Forget that fairytale about, ‘if he is all about his mum, he’ll be all about you’. Get real. If he’s all about his mum, he’ll always be all about his mum. You need a man that can stand on his own and think for himself. Bad sign if he goes to his mother’s for lunch or Amadioha forbid, prefers to her precious car. If he cannot let the driver go pick her at the airport, but has to go himself? Get the next one-way ticket out of that relationship.
He likes to cook, like, all the time, washes your underwear, hasn’t farted in front of you, says all the right things, comes home straight from work, sits with you in the salon, hasn’t ever told you a lie, etc? RUN, girl, RUN. That kind of man doesn’t exist! The last time I saw that happen, it was in the film ‘Reloaded’. Rita Dominic was the girl with the perfect guy. Then one day, she came home, and he was on his knees, naked…aaaand thrusting into another guy.
A word is enough for the wise.