This one’s for the girls! 9 kinds of men you must NEVER marry

by Hauwa Gambo

So you guys have had a field day over the past two days laughing over Jide Taiwo’s attack on women, eh?

Well by popular demand, he’s going to get as good as he gave, so leggo ladies!

The man with prospects
When I am in school dating and searching for love, this is quite alright, but when I’m set to get married? Dude, show me your particulars. What have you been doing for the past 28 years of your life? And you still want me to trust your prospects or your potential? No way – by now you should have moved beyond potential: begin to fulfill your destiny, by fire! Then come back, maybe we’ll talk.

The hustler
A man who always want to do everything, wants to be everywhere, jumps from one job to the next, with no clear sense of direction? God forbid, and I too forbid. Girlfriend, you need a man that knows exactly where he is going and works assiduously towards that goal, with calm and confidence; not jumping at every opportunity that passes by. One day, he’ll ask both of you to return the village and farm.

The Red Carpet Whore
Have you seen these boys that now are competing with the girls for foot-forward mouth-contorted-to-look-sexy poses on the red carpet (and, no, I will not call your name, Uti Nwachukwu)? Lord save the world from destruction! Seriously—how will my father feel if he is shown that picture when the man comes to pay my bride price? A man who is that desperate for attention is a waste. Women, yes. We are flowers; we are meant to be shown off. Men should be unconcerned, bored with the klieg lights; solid like a rock, no pun intended.

The metrosexual
Have a seat, please. You might speak all the English you want about the line between metrosexual and homosexual and bisexual and omnisexual—there are just some things straight men don’t do. Don’t carry a mirror in your bag, don’t know the price of a female Chanel bag, don’t tweet about Louboutins, don’t be caught watching E! and by God! Let no woman call you ‘girlfriend’ or ‘babes’ around me.

And then this one is certain—I will not be going home to mama with a man in red or yellow or purple skinny jeans. The plan of the devil against my life shall not prosper.

The Scrub
Especially in Lagos and Abuja, I see well-dressed men, who attend every party, wear the most expensive get-ups, but are penniless. They are living in their friend or their brother’s houses, driving their friend or their sister’s car, working from their friend of their mother’s office – almost nothing to call their own. What kind of household witchcraft is that? Fiile! Don’t touch it!

The bum-grabber
Mr. Boyfriend, sha—why do you think it is appropriate to squeeze your girl’s bum in front of Silverbird Cinemas; Is this lack of home training? Ok, how would you feel if you see my own brother grabbing your sister’s bum in front of Shoprite, eh? Run from this kind of man o. He’s the same that will tell his friends how you moan in the bedroom, how long your period is, or if you have a tattoo underneath your breasts. Public display of affection is one thing, a man who cannot control himself is another matter entirely, thanks much.

The one-minute man
Oh, don’t let anyone deceive you about this particular matter—durable is better. Any woman would rather a man who can stay the course. You don’t need him to leave you sore, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life unsatisfied? Think about this matter well o. Sex is meant to be enjoyed please. No true enjoyment lasts for one minute.

Mummy’s boy
Forget that fairytale about, ‘if he is all about his mum, he’ll be all about you’. Get real. If he’s all about his mum, he’ll always be all about his mum. You need a man that can stand on his own and think for himself. Bad sign if he goes to his mother’s for lunch or Amadioha forbid, prefers to her precious car. If he cannot let the driver go pick her at the airport, but has to go himself? Get the next one-way ticket out of that relationship.

Mr. Perfect
He likes to cook, like, all the time, washes your underwear, hasn’t farted in front of you, says all the right things, comes home straight from work, sits with you in the salon, hasn’t ever told you a lie, etc? RUN, girl, RUN. That kind of man doesn’t exist! The last time I saw that happen, it was in the film ‘Reloaded’. Rita Dominic was the girl with the perfect guy. Then one day, she came home, and he was on his knees, naked…aaaand thrusting into another guy.

A word is enough for the wise.

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Comments (53)

  1. d trut is dat no woman wl lik 2 marry a man dt wl bring tears below ha nose.d four headin i abide wt it. Wen u wnt 2 mak a declaratn,u most finish it up woman also hv a problm whch u nid nid 2 specify.in orda 2 equalise d issue

  2. ROTFLMAO! Why are some peeps taking this so seriously tho? Where's your sense of humour? Gotta say she's got valid points joor. And this is Nigeria, so yeah, gay is illegal. Thank you very much. Good one Hauwa. Keep em coming!

  3. I actually need an advice 4 dis one,am actually having a relationship with a 42years old man but am 22years of age,he takes care of me gives me whatever I asked of,he loves me but d only challenge I have with him is his hot temperedness.how can these be actually combated?

  4. @hauwa,am really feeling u!pls can we get more?like those hot tempered guys,how can one get thru wit them?

  5. Pingback: 8 kinds of men you should never date | YNaija

  6. Funny bt unreasonable. Dose claimin dis is africa and not europe, we all know dat all we do is copy europeans so dat shudnt even b  argument. Its abt maturity…cos even abroad mature men dnt go arnd in colored skinny pants. Boys wear dose. I'm a guy and I tink Kim's ass is  greatest. I like kourtney's mature personality and khloe makes a good wife. Dia moda is just too troublesome doe..

  7. Most of the ppl who've posted negative comments here are guys…. ,really y're u taking it so p. She makes major points,i dont think there's anything wrong with guys watching E ! But pls dont know the names of all d kardasians and occupy d couch the whole day cause they're showing an omnibus (then again they're hot so guys will watch just because).u sha get my point.

    The coloured skinny jeans is a BIG NO NO, my dad's a typical yoruba man, i can just see d look on his face if i bring such home, to the ppl complaining we still live in Nigeria, Africa not overseas, no proud African man should squeeze his privates like dt!!! Some of them look downright painful. Just imagining how his friends would dress on our wedding day is sending shivers down my spine!!

    And lastly i think most ppl missed the point, women have always looked for cardinal things in picking a mate. He has to be able to provide security and d security isnt for me!!! I can take care of myself, but we're going to be starting a family together and i need a big strong man to lean on when times get rough because they will. In the old days women married d strongest man in the cave/village because u cld be almost sure he would keep your family safe. Nowadays society has changed and the security found in physical strength now translates to cash. Everybody wants a fantastic life for their family and its definately not a one person job. Men are the recognised head of the family and so therefore shoulder the most responsibility, i need to be able to lean on him n i cant do that if he's 'shorter' than me (sub to the guy with prospects, if we were really meant to be, il still be available wen u 'blow' :D).

    To the ppl asking why a woman cant take care of herself, we can, but we cant get pregnant and (usually dont want to) raise a child on our own. Im not goin to carry a child for you if i dont trust you to be able to have that child's back. Really wen we get married arent u goin 2 give me money? So y're u complaining?

    And lastly ( i mean it this time), yes i know some women( make that a lot) chase after rich guys and have given us a bad rep, but they do suffer it after marriage like someone said. My opinion is he knew b4 he married her that she was about his money, so y did he still marry her??

    Lots of questions…any answers?

  8. amusing, all u materialistic spinsters n bachelors, what's happened to integrity, character, depends on your individual animal instinct I guess, 🙂 . Know urself, den d other n try make it work. For whosoever deres pleanty complimentary chemistry. #amusin tots#

  9. Ohh I totally agree wit u on d jeans part.gosh,I can't even stand a guy in pencil jeans!I can't stand guys dt are so 'perfect'. A guy ws asking me out once and he ws so perfect.like,he's an excellent cook.he brings me gifts wen we meet.he neva gets angry.he hs d perfect family,bla bla bla.just name it! me I ws scared o.

    However,there r some guys I tink u left out.E.g,d hot-tempered,over-protective ones.the unappreciative and self-centered ones.the "i-dont-know-how-to-show-love&care ones,I mean dose ones dt never send #100 recharge card even tho dey knw u r as broke as a church mouse and dey knw dey hv d money.mscheew.

    Anyways,nice one.funny too (Y)

  10. Hauwa, I loveeee u!This is hilarious!!!

  11. Hauwa, I loveeee u!

  12. @mbash…its 4 women not men! no one asked u 2 read…check title :p.hehehehhehehe….funny n tru…9c one babes…u hit d spot…d part about…uti…lol…luv dat guy sha bt a whore is a whore! *mute*

  13. As much as it made me laught, it was bias,amateurish and reprisal.

    I was hoping to read the part that advises which kind of men women should go for.

    This piece leaves more questions than answers

    Just saying..

  14. Great piece…people get so stuffy and fail to realise the hillarity behind a social commentary like this. Me thinks the guys doth protest too much…lol. The profiling is fun and mostly accurate. I hv 2 sound a word of caution though so readers dnt get carried away by d humour in d piece. Som men may struggle wt their prospects even after they r 28, so dnt rush to write a guy off cos he's not "successful" yet by 30. It may take longer 4 som dependin on d circumstances. Women b wise n prayerful n patient n committed wer d guy is worth it. Ignore d vanities!

  15. Whaooooooo!!! Kudos to u gurl,simple sentense, good sense of humour and straight to point. Nt a lame and nt no fact article, but I really need you to come up with 10 guys we can date.

  16. Very hilarious indeed. Guys, it hurt the girls when ours was printed. For once be realistic, the author has a point though in some of the men she pointed out.

  17. LWKMD! But the reality is if u avoid dating them you'll get the feel married

  18. A man with prospects and a hustler. I see why many ladies leave their lovers of many years and follow the next available "highest bidding" guy who is ready to give them the royal life treatment. Well, I ask you ladies, why go into a relationship when you know you can't endure till things get better? Many women in marriages now get sh** from their husbands cos they married them because they are rich and soon the man will use it against them. As much as I respect what I have read here, I say a choice made based on all the solid points made by the writer without God's hand in it is still going to be a failure, *no be swear o, na fact*. So ladies, as you decide to use these as your guide, make God the main guide so that you don't use your own hands to throw away your own man.

  19. @kunle i concur wt ur analyses. Trading beauty for money is duping by trick, and a non-profit investment.

    @gbenga u are so right! The desperation nowadays is very high and in our pursuit for the best, we neglect God. May God help us all!

  20. oh… pun much intended about that "hard as a rock" thingy… nice one tho.

  21. The problem I think some men have is realising their true being ‎​₪ this identity goes a long way in ladies appreciation ‎​₪ approach to men. Responsible guys look out for ‎​Ǥõõϑ ladies, some could be luck while many A̶̲̥̅̊rε̲̣̣̣̥ not.

    I like the guy with huge prospect, they A̶̲̥̅̊rε̲̣̣̣̥ simply close to the best for a lady.

  22. Laffing ma head out n rolling on d floor

  23. hilarious is an understatement! but,even as a guy, i subscribe to almost evrytin she wrote.d guy who made it big afta he was dumped,shud tnk hs star 4letin d girl dump hm.odawys,he myt stil b struglin wt hs so-cald prospect today

  24. @Kunle that reply was awesome. Very wonderful article tho i disagree with the guys watching E! Derez absolutely nothg wrong with it

  25. My 1st impressions after reading it was this is hilarious, not for serious reading though, so as a result I can excuse the stereotyping… But hey what's wrong with being the guy with a prospect? That's y a lot of u ladies have missed d train, a babe left me cos I wasn't exactly where I should have been, but shortly afterwards I got my big break, now she regrets it..

  26. What's all the noise about?Ithink the article is on point.Why the hell would a full blooded dude carry a mirror or watch E! or pout or tell everyone how he puts it down on his woman?C'mon son.Any guy who has a problem with this article probably sees his period too.

  27. Ouch!!! Lmao! D guys r even more upset than most ladies were 2 days ago. Deal with it guys, truth is bitter but must be told. Don't agree abt d Chanel bag price though, my bobo knows oh! How can u buy a gift without knowing d price?

  28. I don't like the E!news part…ryan is a guy reporting the news!!!please……the person writing this article is she married(if it a woman self!!! or one woman wrap guy)well get a man in ur life. live ur life be happy….then share the story.so we will comment 'lag girls no go get husband cos shakara too much!!'#

  29. I wonder y ppl can't see d hilarity in ds article. Everything doesn't hav 2 b serious! Kunle's retort was just apt & equally hilarious. I'v bn LMAO

  30. Lol! ℓ̊nteresting piece… Long ‎​​aπϑ short is- girlz, watch out ‎​​aπϑ pray

  31. LMAOOOOO!!! So true with the coloured jeans. I can't even walk with you. I still don't understand why guys were those tins, so lame.

  32. Read this with my wife and we can't just stop laughing! May God help the rest of you still hunting/searching. My advice to you is watch and pray so you won't be deceived!(My tots after having iya togo fish bbq with chips with wifey!<Lol!!!)

  33. Hilarious and mostly on point, a bit of steoreotyping there with your description of coloured pants wearing men, here in the Scandinavia, that is the fad,95% of the men wear skinny coloured pants, and this are men's men, and gorgeous to boot 🙂 and ofcourse this does not make them gay or metrosexual as implied.

    i dont think there is a hard or fast rule to the kinda men to marry. personally i prefer men that have a sence of style but i agree, some men just cross the line… all in all its all about preference…engaging prose though…. kudos

  34. LOL… Absolutely great article! Very funny and on-point… These are definitely men we should run far away from, cast and bind away…

  35. LOL… Absolutely great article! Very funny and on-point… These are definitely men we should run far away from.

  36. @johnson this is nigeria not america or uk .Gay is illegal

  37. I think the author is right sentiments aside.. None of the guys criticising her will want their daughter or sister to be found with any of the group of guys mentioned above.. Besides no girl should be with a guy who competes with her for attention, bisexuals or gay… She didn't even mention abusers, and male gold diggers, drunks and female bashers just to mention few dimensions most naija guys have taken recently..

  38. Not only is this article shallow, it is also downright stupid. The only thing you did right is your stereotypes.
    And what's with attack on gays? If you can't tolerate their sexuality then I advice you should get the nearest rope and snuff your life out with it. Jeez! Even your viewpoint on straight guys is utterly twisted.
    I have advice for you; go and write for children. They are the only people gullible enough to believe your rubbish.

  39. The first four are basically my type. I mean, a little metrosexual, a little quirky, a little accomplished, a little interesting. If I take him to my parents, they'll handle it – I'm the one living with him, hopefully after they've gone to heaven even.

    I like your realism, writer Hauwa, but not all of us love the starched-shirt bankers 🙂

    Peace.

    What Mr. Prospective must have though: be one of the kindest people I know, really like me for the long term, I'm into him like that 😉 , he tends not to annoy me, he knows I need food and tender loving care, he actually has time for romance, … then again smart and intelligent and smart and open-minded.

  40. Thought-provoking, and yeah, you're right on so many counts. These are †нє kind of men (of course with more types) flooding everywhere now including †нє 'Mr exporting stuffs since ℓ̊ graduated type that wears fine clothes and comes around after office hours everyday dangling some keys but can't say his office name and address'! Ladies, shine your eyes σ!

  41. Errmm….so pls can u write about the kinda man to marry, cos I really wanna know

  42. First, I think you have done too much of stereotyping. What define a look of straight men? As you chose to call them. The only thing I can read from your article, ‘’attacking gay people’’. Also, Why can’t I watch E, why can’t I know about Channel bag?

  43. amusingly typical for guys. we hijacked their own rant and took away everybody's attention wit that story. However, i agree with most of the author's outlook on wrong men, but i disagree with her implied view of women. why would u claim to be flowers? that means delicate and can wilt under harsh conditions, yet u claim emancipation? Liberation? y must u be taken care of? what exactly is wrong with prospects? y must u have ready made? y cant u urself be ready made? i can go on and on, but it isnt my article. so i stop

  44. Tell them brother. Some women are jst gold diggers who have no good motive.

  45. Loooolllll!!! My Tummy hurts… Good One.

  46. @ Kunle. Well said. So many ladies are out there looking for rich guys whereas they have nothing to contribute. I rebuke Y☺u by fire!

  47. *CEO's (of J.P Morgan) Fantastic reply to a Pretty Girl*

    A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

    *Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?*

    I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden ( ? ) , $250k annual income is not enough.

    I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

    1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)

    2) Which age group should I target?

    3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks & are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys

    Ads by Google

    4) How do you decide who can be your wife, & who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

    Thank You

    Ms. Pretty *

    Dear Ms. Pretty,

    I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

    By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

    Hope this reply helps.

    If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me…

    Signed,

    CEO J.P. Morgan

  48. SHALLOW ! SHALLOW ! SHALLOW ! scraps

    1. THANKS YOU!!!! Is just pure SCARP!!!!. Stereotyping in the highest place

  49. Lol @ 'I won't call your name'. Ilove

  50. Not all guyz dat watch E are gays oo.get dat into ur thick skull.nd wats ur obsession wt gay pple?

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail