by Anna Breslaw
It’s Friday!! I’m soooo excited to split mozzarella sticks at Arby’s with my BFFs and then go make out with Mike Gendrano in the back row of Ice Age 2!
Ew, beer is gross.
Wait, beer is amazing. Where can we get beer? Can we get Kayla’s older brother to buy us some beer? Sam’s super-cool mom with sad eyes says she’ll let us drink in the basement!!
It’s like 8:00, so we better all go over to Kayla’s house and have some Mike’s Hard before we roll up to this awesome college party. It’s not starting until like 10:30. Or, like, the cool people don’t go until midnight. Can I borrow your lipgloss? You shoplifted it? OMG, you are suchhhh a badass.
The floors are wet! I’m having the best time! We are so young and our face skin is so dewy and fresh!!!
What was your name? We met at welcome week, right? I don’t really know you, but let’s pee together, and then we’ll be best friends.
Okay so first we’re gonna go to Party A, then we will stay for awhile and go to Party B, and then if Fun Bar isn’t carding we’ll go there, because everyone goes there, but if not we could always go to Dive Bar because it’s super sad and empty and they never card. Even though Michaela said she thinks she got hepatitis from a toilet there.
AGE 21 – 22
[Regretful blur of overpriced vodka cranberries.]
I should switch to some kind of classy liquor now that I can go to nice bars. Like a Manhattan! …Nope, this is disgusting.
Guys seem to like girls who can drink straight whiskey, so let me try… Oh my God, that’s disgusting too. Good thing these strange guys we’ll probably never see again are buying all our drinks. It makes me feel so pretty!
Ugh, why won’t these weird guys at the bar leave us alone? We can pay for our own drinks. Besides, we should be heading over to that super-exclusive club that only lets super hot people in so that we can stand in line for an hour in high, painful shoes and be judged by a coked-up door person. Let’s all text people so we look cooler than we are!
Can we stop for Zico on the way home? I need to hydrate.
Man, it’s crowded in here — it took me like 40 years to get a drink. I bet Dive Bar is less crowded, maybe we should go there? But we’re already here. I’m tired. Why do these things start so late? It’s loud in here. I wish I could text my cat.
OK: Only drinking twice a week from now on. Seriously. Twice a week. But I can totally wind down after work with a glass of white wine, though. Sophisticated grown-ups do that. It doesn’t count as like, drinking drinking.
AGE 26 – 28
This will be a classy dinner party for my classy friends and we’ll listen to jazz and eat goat cheese and split two bottles of wine between four of us. And the boyfriend of a friend of mine will notbring a bottle of tequila, and nobody is going to get a blowjob on the fire escape or puke in my shoe, and I will not wake up feeling like a truck hit me and be out of commission the entire next day. (Or that is exactly what will happen.)
Green juice and yoga counteracts the 2 or so bottles of post-work wine I go through per week, right? Whatever. I barely go out. Nothing at parties can surprise me anymore.
Why is a baby at this party?!
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