13 reasons getting older is the best

by Laura Beck


You don’t give a rat’s ass what people think about you because you’re chanelling Oprah and you’re FAAAAAABULOUS.

A few gray hairs is a nice trade-off for an EN-SUITE WASHER/DRYER.

1. You can leave parties earlier.

Maybe it’s because you’ve got a boyfriend, husband, cat, dog, or baby at home. Or maybe it’s because you’re all “I’M OLD! SEE YA!” Either way, it’s liberating to ditch the dude droning on and on about his new calorie counting app to get home to your best friend, the couch, and your other best friend, the remote control.

2. You can stop reading The New Yorker.

You have learned that there’s no future in your fronting, and so you no longer need to lie about loving nature documentaries or David Foster Wallace. No offense, people who love nature documentaries or DFW, and you probably didn’t take any, because you are old as dirt and don’t give a flying eff about my sassing.

3. You get to decide who to spend time with.

Listen, you’ve only got a limited amount of time on this planet and are you really going to spend it with people you “sorta-kinda-maybe” like? Is that what you want written in your tombstone? No! Ditch the friend fat and hang out with only people you like. Well, and your mom. Because she’s your mom. But when you get even older, she should watch her back because you won’t be above cutting off crazy-ass family soon enough.

4. You don’t like Oprah anymore. YOU LOVE HER.

Fuck it, you want to be her. You can’t afford to buy everyone cars but you can certainly give out mints and tell people to live their best life.

5. Being judged becomes less and less of an issue.

You don’t give a rat’s ass what people think about you because you’re chanelling Oprah and you’re FAAAAAABULOUS.

6. You have nice clothes that won’t set on fire when you’re within a block of a match.

Natural fibers are your friend.

7. You’ve made major life changes before so now they’re not so monumental.

You can leave relationships and jobs, and you can handle any curve balls life lobs your way. That doesn’t mean it’s not tough, but it does mean that it won’t totally destroy you like the first few times.

8. You can give advice without sounding smirky.

Dude, you have REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE. When you tell your 22-year-old sister that that dude is not calling her back, it is because you KNOW IT TO BE TRUE. She might not be ready for the truth, but give her time. And maybe a shoulder to cry on. You don’t even need to say “I told you so”, that’s how damn mature you are. (Of course you will smirk later, in the privacy of your own home, but that is mature and appropriate. Nice!)

9. You own your weirdness.

Whether you’re a Doctor Who-obsessed nerd burger, someone who collects tiny pig figurines, or a stone cold weirdo who sincerely digs the musical stylings of Justin Bieber, you no longer hide your love/secret shame away from the world. In fact, you embrace it. Get it, girl. (Unless your thing is Bieber, and then maybe NOPE NOPE NOPE.)

10. You stop getting into Facebook fights.

You don’t have to tell off that jackass from high school who doesn’t think that women should have the right to vote. You can calmly defriend him, close your laptop, and rejoin the real world. Feels good.

11. You no longer have to go to nightclubs.


12. You have a washer/dryer.

Like, IN YOUR HOUSE. This is not true for everyone, but man oh man is it great. Even if your washer and dryer is a portable one from costco that can fit three shirts and a thong, you’d rather sit there all day watching that shit get cleaned and sighing happily over the fact that you never need to go to a laundromat again.

13. You have a real bed.

Buh-bye shitty mattress from the 50-percent-off area at Ikea, hello nicest bed Ikea sells. (And it is not a loft bed.) (GO YOU!!!)


Read more in Cosmopolitan


Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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