by Anna Breslaw
You will never come home to four people you can’t stand smoking weed in your living room. “Let me invite my three most annoying friends over and then smoke weed so they become even more annoying.” –Roommates.
1. You can get naked as soon as you walk in the door. Pants were clearly invented by people who had roommates.
2. You can stay up as late as you want.Without keeping it down for other people. Blast that episode of Frasier!
3. And not be kept up by someone else, if you want to sleep.Remember that feeling of “I’m in my bedroom in the dark and outside my roommate is having a party and why do they have to blast Rilo Kiley so loud? That’s not even good party music to blast.”
4. Actually, you probably get the best sleep of anyone, since you’re not sharing your bed with anyone, either. No being awoken by a midnight boner poking you in the lower back. This can be a good and a bad thing.
5. You can choose the pet of your dreams. Even if it is a cat that doesn’t like anyone except you. So, like, most cats.
6. And the décor. Like moose heads? Like digusting 1970s mustard-yellow rec room furniture? Go nuts.
7. Every time you pay bills or unclog a toilet or handle some other Very Grown Up living issue, you will feel like more of a Woman. “All The Single Ladies” was inspired by that time before Beyonce married Jay-Z when she was able to successfully argue with an insurance rep over an out-of-network proctology appointment.
8. You can take guys home without worrying about roommate awkwardness. Like that time your lesbian roommate and all her friends are watching The L Word in the living room and you come home with a guy and they all look at you.
9. You can watch embarrassing TV shows. Because sometimes you are into a 7-hour Ingmar Bergman marathon and other times you want to eat raw Pop-Tarts and watch Bridezillas.
10. You don’t have to fake being in a good mood just to be polite with roommates. How was your day? Good. How was your day? Good.
11. You can leave the bathroom door open. Poop freely.
12. You can use all the hot water in the shower. Without having to save it for a roommate anxiously waiting to jump in after you.
13. You can leave your clothes on the floor of the bathroom.For, like, months if you want to. I sometimes forget and think my discarded pajama pile is part of the bathroom floor.
14. And dishes in the sink. Overnight, at least. Shouldn’t let that pile up.
15. You don’t have to worry about a roommate hearing you have sex, or vice versa. You can be loud as hell and nobody will accuse you of being inconsiderate. Or masturbate in the next room. (This is real. I went out with a guy whose roommate did that. Pause for reaction.)
16. Nobody will steal your food. And therefore no need for obsessive labeling of groceries or passive-aggressive notes. Hey! If anyone took some of my flatbread or whatever, like Jenna, please be mindful and buy your own groceries, Jenna, you disgusting thief! Love you.
17. Or borrow your clothes. Or ask to borrow your clothes, and you have that brief moment where you’re like “Shoot, she’s gonna stretch out my shirt but I obviously can’t say that,” and she borrows it, and does.
18. You do not have to have awkward conversations about how SOMEONE owes you $40 for electric. GODDAMMIT, JENNA.
19. Your shoes can take up a lot of space. As much as they need. Let them roam free.
20. You can drink out of the container. I recommend milk and ginger ale for optimal out-of-container drinking.
21. You will never come home to four people you can’t stand smoking weed in your living room. “Let me invite my three most annoying friends over and then smoke weed so they become even more annoying.” –Roommates.
22. NO MORE CHORE WHEELS. It’s almost easier when one person does everything.
23. Masturbating where/whenever the hell you want. On the bed, on a chair, on your desk, whatever.
24. You don’t have to go to parties you don’t want to just because your roommate and/or significant other is pressuring you to. STAYING IN, HOLLAAAAA.
25. You can make an omelet and eat it out of the skillet. In bed, ideally.
26. You can keep your home the precise temperature that you want.67 degrees Farenheit k thx.
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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija