Words by Temisan Jackson

1. Edo State Civil Servant Salaries:

It is well known that as governor, Adams Oshiomhole is in complete control of the finances of Edo State; yet civil servants have not been paid for months. Of course, this has nothing to do with Oshiomhole’s (mis)management savvy and vision for the state, or the foreign trips he took during one of which he met his young Cape Verdean wife. But the non-payment of workers’ salaries has everything to do with the fact that former minister of finance, Dr Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, was present in Edo state every day of Oshiomhole’s term, neglecting her Federal duties, to personally oversee the leakage of monies from Edo State’s coffers so that civil servants in Oshiomhole’s state would not get paid.

 

2. The keys to his Lexus LX570

This morning when Governor Oshiomhole was on his way to address a press conference apparently to announce how Okonjo-Iweala was responsible for the misappropriation of the chicken he was to eat last night, he realised that his driver could not find his car keys. Oh, so much has changed for a mighty labour leader who used to drive himself and now has too many cars in his convoy to count. He was about to shout on his driver for his stupidity when suddenly it hit him — Okonjo-Iweala had struck again and misappropriated his keys! He is planning on staging another press conference later this afternoon to publicly ask Okonjo-Iweala to return them to him, as his lack of mobility is severely hampering his ability to attend to government business. Oshiomole eventually had to break the back window to get in and jump start the car

 

3. Nigeria’s Pet Unicorn

Oshiomhole also wants Nigerians to know that this country was once in possession of a beautiful green and white unicorn with the most fabulous shimmering wings…that is until it went missing sometime in the last four years. Apparently, it was originally kept in a CBN vault, converted into a stable by Emir of Kano and former Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) governor, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi. Oshiomhole claims that once Sanusi left office to pursue his courtly ambitions, Okonjo-Iweala crept into the CBN under cover of darkness (apparently he says there is security footage of a shortish woman wearing gele, though you can’t see her face) and the next morning when staffers returned to the CBN for work, Nigeria’s magical unicorn had disappeared. He is planning to ask for a full EFCC investigation into the matter.

 

4. APC’s Lost Vision

The APC has been in power for about 3 months now and we already see the party structure disintegrating. Tinubu is fighting Buhari, Tinubu is fighting Saraki, Tinubu is fighting Fashola. These days it seems like Tinubu is fighting everybody. This has nothing to do with the fact that the APC leaders are a bunch of extremely egotistical and disorganized power hungry men and everything to do with the fact that Okonjo-Iweala has been seen lurking around their meetings, secretly misappropriating APC’s sense of purpose and vision. In a press statement released yesterday, Oshiomhole accused Okonjo-Iweala of gross mismanagement of the APC stating: “the only person with the ability to cause a loss of focus of this magnitude in so short a time is Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala. She has somehow managed to infiltrate the APC and singlehandedly scatter all of our grand plans for Nigeria. This woman must be stopped.”

 

5. Buhari’s Ministerial List

The new president’s spokesperson claimed that Buhari is not releasing a ministerial list because of his desire not to make hasty decisions, but recently in another press release, Governor Oshiomhole enlightened Nigerians that the real reason Buhari has not released a list of cabinet officials is that Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala is responsible for its misappropriation. His press statement reads: “while there is no incontrovertible evidence that Okonjo-Iweala was directly responsible for the disappearance of Buhari’s ministerial list, we do know that she was indeed somewhere in Nigeria at the time and, if not in Nigeria, she was certainly somewhere on the planet earth. Thus, we can only conclude that she has everything to do with the missing list. We call upon honest Nigerians to stop this lady, end her mischief and return this list so that the good people of Nigeria can kick sai Baba into high gear.

 

6. His hair

It is well known that Oshiomhole used to have a full head of hair. But somehow over the last 50 years of his life, those hairs suddenly started to vanish. After consulting numerous doctors as to how to stop the process, Oshiomhole has come to the conclusion that since the day he was born, Okonjo-Iweala has secretly been taking his hairs, one by one in an effort to hamper his ability to govern his cash-strapped state. He has promised to engage President Barack Obama during his flyover trip through Nigeria to lend US intelligence capabilities to help locate where Okonjo-Iweala has stashed years’ worth of his missing hair.

Check out that receding hairline

 

7. Buhari’s Votes in Edo State

The last presidential election saw the incumbent President Muhammadu Buhari lose in Edo State. While some APC stalwarts have grumbled that Oshiomole was not able to deliver the state to the party, Oshiomole has disclosed the real reason for APCs loss: Okonjo-Iweala single handedly rigged and thumb printed over 1 million ballots in the state in one night.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija