CAN wages holy war against unholy men… in last week’s news with a pinch of salt

by Stanley Azuakola

Why did he choose to do his interview on the last Friday of the month when churches usually do their all night vigil? Is he placing himself as an alternative to God?

CAN wages war against unholy men

The Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) has kicked against moves by “some unholy men uninspired by God” to change certain keywords in some popular hymns and scripture in line with present day realities. Some of the key materials to be changed include: the lines of the popular hymn ‘While shepherds watched their flocks by night,’ would now be ‘While shepherds watched their flocks by jet.’ Also, ‘the good shepherds’ would be changed to ‘the flying shepherds.’ Finally, the unholy men are proposing for the inclusion of ‘the parable of the flying shepherd’ in Christendom. In the parable, “a shepherd had 100 sheep. One of the sheep, which had the ability to buy a private jet, went astray. Would the shepherd not sharply abandon the 99 poor ordinary sheep, and pursue after the stray sheep with all his heart?”

Delta house of assembly cries over boredom

The Delta state house of assembly embarked on another recess last week and went to cheer the state contingent at the National sports festival in Lagos, because, according to them,  “Asaba was dry, we are bored and do not know what else to do.” To help the assembly overcome its boredom, a group of concerned Deltans have forwarded an ideal legislative list for the honourables to act on. Some of the major items on the list include:

–          Declaring a James Ibori day celebration in the state

–          Law against smelling stockings and farting in public places

–          Law against sighing whenever the Delta state house of assembly is mentioned

–          A Delta state law to regulate the comedy industry so that everybody born in Warri does not think that that automatically makes him a comedian, and so that practising comedians would beware of consistently “yabbing Warri in their jokes.”

PDP blasts Ogbeni till daybreak

The decision of the Osun state governor, Ogbeni Rauf Aregbesola, to hold a seven hour night vigil interview from 10pm on Friday 30th November to 5am the next day attracted instant condemnation from the Osun chapter of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP). The governor directed all local government chairmen to provide public viewing centres for the live beaming of the interview session tagged “Ogbeni till daybreak.” In its reaction, the PDP said that its call some months ago for the the governor, who is of the ACN, to be subjected to a psychiatric evaluation has become more urgent than ever before. According to the PDP, “Ogbeni Rauf Aregbesola might be the anti-Christ. Why did he choose to do his interview on the last Friday of the month when churches usually do their all night vigil? Is he placing himself as an alternative to God? Why is he directing chairmen to provide public viewing centres to hook up to the interview just as churches hook up to their headquarters during serious occasions?” The PDP also criticised the TV and radio adverts for the event, querying why a “voice which sounded very much like that of the governor kept shouting ‘Ogbeni till daybreak, Ogbeni till daybreak’ like a motor park tout. It is very clear that this governor is planning to take this state back to the stone age of awful Nollywood adverts.”

Crowned Clown (CeeCee) of the week

If the Delta state house of assembly was the only model of a parliament we had, one would think that law making was a joke. Imagine this: the Delta assembly passed an electoral law which stipulated that only individuals over 40 years can serve in the state’s electoral commission. If you’re below 40, sorry, you are unfit, incapable, and too puerile to handle such a sensitive position. That same assembly decided last week to embark on recess. Why? To go and cheer the Delta state contingent at the National sports festival in Lagos, which of course is populated by young people less than 40 years. So in the gospel according to the Delta assembly, young people have capacity for only sports, and maybe music. Leadership, on the other hand is for the aged and grey-haired. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the kind of harebrained thinking which goes on in that assembly. Alas, this is just one case of several examples of follies which pass as lawmaking in Delta. In a rather typical thoughtless move, the state governor has signed the jaundiced bill into law. That archaic law must be repealed. Thankfully Festus Keyamo has taken the case to court. Now let us hope that Delta produces more sensible judges than politicians. For their segregationist law, the bunch of recess-loving clowns in the Delta state assembly takes the CeeCee this week.

Follow A Pinch… on twitter @stanleyazuakola

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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