by Stanley Azuakola
N5000 Note Gets New Faces
FIRST lady, Dame Patience Jonathan made news last week with her reported rest or admission in a hospital in Germany or Dubai where she went to treat either stomach upset or appendicitis. However, A Pinch can authoritatively reveal that most of what Nigerians heard is false. The first lady, as well as the Petroleum Minister, Diezani Allison-Madueke, is indeed abroad, but in faraway India. As Nigerians know, the CBN is set to introduce N5,000 notes and the families of the ladies whose faces were chosen to adorn the notes have kicked against it. Consequently Dame Patience, Allison-Madueke, and a yet unnamed lady have decided to step in, fill the void, and rescue Nigerians so that our N5,000 notes would not be faceless. The trio also believe that anything worth doing is worth doing well hence their decision to travel to India, the best nation in the world for cosmetic surgery, where they are expected to perform rhytidectomy, abdominoplasty, blepharoplasty, rhinoplasty, otoplasty, chin and cheek augmentation, and liposuction. Nigerians are waiting expectantly to see the new and improved N5,000 note models.
On Jona’s Watch
Here’s a roundup of all that President Jonathan has been up to this past week:
•He was angry that news of the first lady’s foreign trip leaked to the media and then got angrier when news of his anger over the leak also leaked.
•He silently proposed that the next two Nigerian Independence anniversaries, just like the last, would be low key until Independence 2014 when he’ll launch Transformation Agenda Season 2 – The Saga Continues. That one will be high key.
•He has started preparations for PDP convention 2015. Already, ex-president Olusegun Obasanjo has been scheduled to deliver the keynote address. Obasanjo promised to deliver a full-throated speech in support of Jonathan just as Bill Clinton did in support of Obama.
•He was upset again by a New York Times piece titled “Obama to plead for Patience at convention.” He felt slighted that the US president would crave for his dame. However, this was sorted out when his brilliant spokesman, Reuben Abbati, who knows him more than we do, explained to him that Obama was actually pleading with American voters to have patience with him over the weak US economy and not pleading for Patience Jonathan. Nigerians are forever grateful to the spokesman for averting what would definitely have been the greatest diplomatic crisis of the year.
CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE YEAR
A Pinch wishes First Lady, Patience Jonathan, a quick and safe recovery from her illness. We recognise that she’s human and these things happen. That’s why it’s painful to watch how the president’s team has made a mess in its handling of the matter, turning Nigerians against Aso Rock in an issue that could very easily have united us in prayer for the first lady. The denials, lies, and intrigues remind one of a not-so-distant case of another Aso Rock resident. Openness could be a risky bet, but in some cases like this one, it is the best policy. Who advises the president on these issues nowadays anyway? Who does he listen to? That person (people) should be fired right away. And when he sends them the letter, he shouldn’t mince words. “It’s important for me to relieve you of your duties,” he should say, “You have been a blundering, bungling clown.” The president’s advisers take the CeeCee this week.
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Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt … is satire – a riff off news over the past week.