Essential tools for the urban ladykiller

by Ore Fakorede

Just before you go on that safari, here’s the last of the Sex & The Big City Series! Essential tools for the urban ladykiller…

1. Condoms. Lots of condoms stashed in strategic places. One or two ‘rubbers’ in your wallet will not do, not if you want to make her sing ‘all-night long‘. Wedge a box of them between your mattress and the head of your bed for easy access. Throw a few boxes in your car (the trunk and the glove compartment). Those things are not expensive! Note Well: Know the right size for your ‘apparatus‘! Don’t ‘strangle’ the poor guy with an undersized sheath. And actually wear them, unless you’d rather share your body with some evil germs or your salary with a babymama.

2. An Overnight Bag. It could be your place… or hers. Some girls would rather ‘do it’ in a familiar place, talk about the real homezone advantage. Since you might not be able to dash home to clean up and still make that annoying 8:00 a.m. board meeting on a Tuesday morning, you should always carry an overnight bag in the trunk of your car, preferably a distinguished-looking carry-all made of real leather, stuff it with spare briefs (predators don’t wear boxer shorts), socks, a black tie, an ironed white formal shirt, a small bottle of cologne, an anti-perspirant body spray, a pair of black dress pants, a pair of black jeans, black suede loafers, an undershirt, a plain tee and a black belt. Change the contents depending on the day of the week. Use your intuition.

3. A Blackberry Phone. More than any other techno-puke, RIM’s ubiquitous devices have become a status symbol in Nigeria. The Blackberry-toting public will tell you that trading BB pins is the surest way to keep in touch with your social circle. I’ll go further by telling you that it’s the surest way to tap into the sex pool. Be smart, get that smartphone!

4. A Reliable Car. Imagine that your potential fun-buddy drives a Toyota Matrix, how in the world will you hunt her on foot?! Get an automobile, preferably a new, Japanese one (it’ll save money spent on fuel and mechanic charges). Be warned though, a car is not a fashion accessory: you’ll always pay maintenance fees.

5. Money. Yep, it’s the ultimate tool. You had better get paid or you won’t get laid. No smartass female will ever touch a broke-ass male with a ten-foot pole. Make sure that you make it legitimately though (CC: The EFCC).

Finally, here’s a ‘map’ of the city’s best hunting grounds.

THE BEST KILLZONES

1. Banks. There’s no better place to find prey on a Friday afternoon than the bank you use. The keywords here are ‘crowded’ and ‘familiarity’. A. Everyone wants to settle important financial business before the weekend. B. The bank staff know you by name. C. Everyone notices you. Capitalise: Call the bank manager beforehand and set up a meeting (to discuss a loan or something, be inventive!). Look your best, smell your best. Stride in and keep your eyes open for ideal prey. Walk in, do your thing and walk out. Wait outside for sighted prey and go for the kill. Noteworthy: The best girls keep their money in banks.

2. Clubs. Contrary to popular opinion, not every attractive girl in the club is a vixen. Green light: Attractive, lonely-looking women in tasteful business suits and work shoes with loosened shirt buttons clutching champagne glasses. Red light: Young-looking, overdressed females in groups, sipping energy drinks straight from the can.

3. Social Networking Sites. Here, you’re guaranteed to achieve a measure of success regardless of what your profile looks like or the nature of your updates. Your profile picture should be a decent photo of yourself. Don’t go overboard with the Photoshop effects, the truth will emerge someday. Get familiar with social networking lingo (for example, do you know what RME means? See?!). Always read the fine print! Look out for words and phrases like ‘fun-loving’, ‘wild’ and ‘adventurous’ in a bio. Don’t appear too eager to have a face-to-face. Be consistent and bold about your intentions. Reel the big fish in with suggestive messages, mentions and wall posts.

4. The Office. Tread lightly here. Use your intuition to identify women that are sexually interested in you at work. Don’t get careless or assume too much, else you’ll be up sh*t creek without a paddle faster than you can say ‘sexual harassment’. Look out for: multiple invitations to lunch from the same female, signs of flirting (lingering touches and persistent eye contact).

GO FOR THE KILL!

I’d love to hear from you! Post your success stories, failures and general comments below.

2 Comments

  • @Lagoshunter says:

    The article doesn't come across as original in some paragraphs. Some tips were quite outrageous…. So I will conclude that this article was written in jest purely for entertainment.

  • @prettyeny1 says:

    Okay!!! Nice one… Not effective for every guy… Buh will most assuredly make a hip young professional who loves d ladies very very happy…
    I'm still waiting 4 ur guide 4 women….

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