by Stanley Azuakola
Nigerians Cheer MTN
Nigerians are applauding telecommunications giant, MTN, over its latest bonanza in which subscribers stand the chance of winning aeroplanes, by just recharging their phones. The excitement of Nigerians over this very realistic campaign is threefold.
First, since the rate of dropped calls on the MTN network seems to be soaring higher daily, all a frustrated customer has to do whenever a call fails to go through, is to quietly hop on his MTN-branded airplane, set off to meet whoever he planned to call, drop the information and be on his merry way. For instance, a subscriber who needs to tell a relative that he is not in town can simply fly to where the relative is, tell him he’s not in town and then go back out of town.
The bonanza also gives hope to the countless kids all over the country who keep asking their parents to buy them aeroplanes. Thanks to MTN, they can now have their desired planes and not the toy ones parents deceive them with.
Finally, with this bonanza, the National Assembly has been asked to strike out any future request from President Jonathan for new planes in his fleet. They instructed that a memo be sent to the president, “charging him to also recharge and win and save taxpayers money for once.”
Clark Drafts Contract For Jonathan’s Ministers
President Jonathan is not impressed by the poor performance of some ministers in his cabinet. To curtail this bad trend, he has introduced the innovative signing of a performance agreement contract with all ministers. A Pinch discovered that the details of the contract were drafted by Chief Edwin Clark. Under the terms of the contract, ministers are expected to:
– Increase the number of times they include “transformation agenda” in a speech from one per paragraph to one per sentence in the short term and plan to increase to three per sentence before 2015 elections.
– Always stoutly rise in defence of the president and his dame at every sign of criticism.
– Go beyond defence into attack by scheduling tutorials with the new presidential attack czar, Doyin Okupe, on “how to throw barbs,” at least once a month.
Abdullahi’s Sports Overhaul Revealed
Following Nigeria’s disastrous performance at the London Olympics, Sports Minister, Bolaji Abdullahi, has promised an overhaul of the entire sector. The radical overhaul process involves luring the duo of Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt (whose combined medals haul is more than Nigeria has ever won) and convincing them to naturalize as Nigerians by offering them a GCON national honour. The major hitch is that Vice President Sambo is not pleased that they’ll be offering the sportsmen the same title that he has. He said he’d only accept if he’s upgraded to GCFR, a request which President Jonathan GCFR has bluntly turned down citing the fact that “the both of them are not mates.”
CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK
A Pinch… honestly believes that the officers and men in our security agencies are mostly patriots. A readiness to lay down one’s life for country is no mean feat. However, the conflicting investigations into the murder of Olaitan Oyerinde, the late Principal Secretary of the Edo State governor is so frightfully sad that the State Security Services (SSS) and the Nigeria Police Force (NPF), if they are self-respecting institutions, should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. While the SSS paraded four suspects who publicly confessed to the killing of Oyerinde; the NPF arrested Rev. David Ugolor, the Executive Director of African Network for Environment and Economic Justice (ANEEJ) for the same charges, held him for 20 days, until his bail on Thursday. Neither the SSS nor NPF is willing to admit wrongness, thus creating an impression that the two agencies are working at cross-purposes. Last week, Parry Osayande, while submitting the report of the Police Reform Committee he headed, mentioned that a source of discomfort in police circles was that the DG of the SSS earns more than the IG of Police. Perhaps by refusing to back down, the SSS is trying to justify its higher pay and the police trying to make a case for equality or even superiority. Either way, they’ve both chosen the path of bozos. They’ll do well to keep their eyes on the ball. Maybe receiving the Cee-Cee award this week will nudge them in the right direction.
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