Has the President got his ‘Goodluck’ back? All in last’s week’s news…with a pinch of salt

 By Stanley Azuakola

Interview questions leaked

A committee has been set up to investigate the immediate and remote causes responsible for the leak of the general knowledge interview questions for interested applicants into the federal civil service. Some of the leaked questions and the options include:

1. Everyone wants change in Nigeria, but if people like Ribadu refuse to serve in government, who will bring the change?

 (a) Conductor

(b) Market woman

(c) A committee 

2. In Nigeria, what is SURE?

(a) A committee

(b) Deodorant

(c) Microphone 

3. Apart from press statements condemning dastardly acts, what are the other duties of the presidential spokesman?

(a) Announcing committees

(b) Exposing ex-presidential candidates

(c) Fighting the Internet scourge 

4. What can MEND Boko Haram?

(a) Amnesty

(b) Thread and needle

(c) A committee 

“Run Sylva Run!”

There are unconfirmed reports that music legend, Onyeka Onwenu has been contacted by top presidency officials to release the sequel to her 2010 hit single, ‘Run Goodluck Run.’ It would be recalled that the well-received hit was the catalyst which convinced President Jonathan to run for president in 2011 even though he desperately didn’t want to. However sources say that the sequel, ‘Run Sylva Run,’ is not a call for ex-governor Timipreye Sylva to run for any office, but a subtle threat for him to run for his life.

‘Run Sylva Run,’ the lyrics goes: “Run far far away. You may runaway runaway oh-oh, but can never never hide. EFCC oyoyo.”  

Meanwhile the ex-governor celebrated prematurely last week when Thisday newspaper carried a headline which read, “Supreme court dashes Sylva’s hopes.” The governor immediately began celebrating, saying, “I knew that after all the contracts and money I dashed in my time, I was long overdue for some dashing myself.” According to insiders, he finally caught the real meaning only after a marathon explanation session by his lawyers.   

Is Goodluck back?

President Jonathan has assured Nigerians that despite the series of unfortunate events which made it seem like he’d lost his goodluck, he was glad to announce that his goodluck had gone nowhere and there was nothing to worry about. He said the bundle of bad news including Nigeria’s failure to qualify for football tournaments under his leadership, the high number of parents renaming their kids to something else other than Goodluck and the record number of abuses hurled at him in the last 5months was not as serious as detractors made it to be. The president also pointed out that the recent commissioning of a Dangote cement factory and Ribadu’s decision to work in his government are signs that his goodluck never fades.      

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

Alhaji Aliyu Wamakko, ex-governor of Sokoto and the PDP candidate in the forthcoming gubernatorial election was on the campaign trail last week and made an absolutely ridiculous promise. The ex-governor promised a N1billion project to any council that votes for him. This is a classic case of “Vote for me or you quench.” In other words, if he wins, Wamakko is promising to punish councils which exercise their rights to vote for any candidate of their choice by denying them of projects which other councils would benefit from. This kind of politics by ambush represents the backward thinking that has stoked tensions in the country. The ex-governor fails to realise that immediately elections are over, the winner stops being the candidate of any section of the electorate, but leader of all. A Pinch…would never tire of calling out men who try to achieve political ends by exploiting our differences as a people. Whether Wamakko actually meant his statement or was just playing plain politics, it makes no difference, it’s a clown-clown situation there. He takes away the CeeCee this week.

 

Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt… is satire – a riff off news over the past week.

Follow A Pinch…on twitter @stanleyazuakola

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