by Adedayo Ademuwagun

There’s a funny story about a family that gathered for a big dinner. When the youngest son announced that he had just signed up to join the army, his sisters at the table giggled.

“Stop this joke, John. You know you’ll never get through basic training,” one of them scoffed.

His father said, “It’s going to take a lot of discipline. Are you ready for that?”

The boy looked at his mother for support, but she simply gazed at him. Then she asked him, “John, do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”

Seriously, disciplining their teens and kids is a big deal for many parents. If you’re a parent, then you probably know the drill already.

How do parents make sure their kids aren’t sitting on the sofa watching TV all day and their teen isn’t yelling back at them in the middle of the shopping centre?

Three parents Christopher, Iheoma, and Aminat would like to talk about what’s worked for them and how they’re holding up the discipline in the house.

Iheoma says, “The first step to disciplining your kids is to lay down the ground rules and let them know they have to stick to the rules. When the kids clearly know what they can do and not do, it informs their conscience and gives them a clear sense of what’s acceptable behaviour. That way, everyone’s on the same page and the kids know for sure when they’ve done something right or wrong.”

Christopher is a father of three. He says, “I’m training my kids to develop a learning habit. So one of the rules I’ve spelled out is that they have to make sure they personally learn something new everyday. They can play and watch TV, but they must make out time to read and learn daily. So when I ask them what they’ve learned that day and they can’t give me a good answer, they know they’ve crossed the line.”

“Children naturally copy the people around them,” Aminat says. “For example, look at our society. Most adults throw all kinds of litter on the floor even when the dustbin is only a few feet away. Children take their cue from that and so when a child finishes his snack, he impulsively throws the nylon on the floor instead of locating the dustbin, because he’s seen people around him do it over and over again and so he thinks it’s the right thing to do. So it’s important for parents to set a good example for their kids by doing the right thing themselves.

“I tell my kids that they can’t watch TV all weekend, and my husband and I don’t often sit in front of the TV for long either. Sometimes the girls come into our bedroom and see the TV off. It helps to drive home our message.”

When Aminat’s kids were all under seven, they had the habit of snapping at her and saying ‘leave me alone jor’ when she spoke to them. She found this rude and didn’t like it. Then one day a friend advised her to use stories to teach the kids, that this works on kids.

“The friend talked about how our forefathers used to tell children stories at night and the morals would sink in. So I thought I’d try that out. So one evening I told my kids to take a seat and let me tell them a story about a man named Mr. Leave Me Alone Jor.

“In my story, which I completely made up, Mr Leave Me Alone used to say this, and wouldn’t listen to others. In the end he ended up with poop on his head after he was rude to someone who advised him.

“As laughable as it would sound to an adult, it actually worked. The kids realised that it was impolite to say, ‘leave me alone jor’, and when one of them said it, the other would say, ‘Okay, keep saying that and you’ll soon have poop poured on your head.’ That’s how they cautioned each other and dropped the habit.”

Some parents use rewards to motivate their kids to develop a new habit or break a bad one. Christopher said this worked for him. His son is 10.

He says, “They say it takes 30 days to form a new habit. So I told Kunle that if he keeps his room tidy for a month, I’ll buy him two novels by end of the month (because I know he’s a voracious reader). He put in a remarkable effort and did improve. So it works pretty well.”

“Kids need to understand the relationship between action and consequence, that if they do something wrong they’ll have to face the consequence,” Iheoma says. “If your kids disobey you, lie to you or stay out late and you don’t take action, they’ll take your authority for granted and feel they can do what they want and get away with it. They’ll get the impression that it’s acceptable. So it’s not enough to say you’ll penalise them. You have to follow through by taking action. That sends the right signal and tells them to think about consequence before action.”

What about spanking?

Some parents think it’s bad and old fashioned to spank kids. There’s a pile of literature out there about what’s wrong with spanking. But Christopher thinks moderation is the key.

He says, “It’s a bad idea to beat kids often. I have a cane but I never use it until I’ve warned them enough times first. If they don’t listen, then it’s time to use the cane.

“The other day my niece, who is 13, came to spend time with us when they had a prolonged holiday due to the Ebola issue. I told her the rules, including the learn-something-everyday rule. But she didn’t take it seriously. She kept on jumping around. Then two days later I asked her what she had learned so far. She didn’t have an answer, so I got out the cane. The next morning she did her chores and buried her head in her books.

So what about dialogue?

Aminat says, “Dialogue involves having a chat with the errant child and trying to talk things over with them. It’s interactive and works especially for teenagers who are now old enough to reason.

“Sometimes teens think they’re doing the right thing, but they are not — or they may be having some issues at school or something. Dialogue lets the parent discover what the problem is, then they can address it and guide them on the right thing to do and why they should do it. For this to work and for their kids to even want to have this sort of conversation, parents need to get close to them and come down to their level.

“Every child has the tendency to misbehave in the absence of discipline. Parents need to understand their kids and see which disciplinary method works best for them. It’s not the easiest thing in the world. But the key is to be in control.”