Kathleen Ndongmo: “My God is a big-picture kind of guy” – Conscience-free Hedonism is Here! (YNaija Frontpage)

Kathleen Ndongmo

But before the ladies file down their fingernails and the boys start flexing a bicep through a marathon of self-sexing, maybe we should cool our jets long enough to look at the furore around the Pastor’s comments. 

When I was about 14, I remember seeing a girl flaunting a T-shirt that said:

“God is watching you…

Give him a good show.”

When I saw it, my initial reaction was: “Give him a good show? Does she mean pole-dancing for Jesus?!”  My second thought was: “Does she want to go to hell?!”  It seemed so sacrilegious.

Well, never mind grinding your junk against poles for The Lord, what about masturbating for Africa?  We can do that now, apparently.  Or, rather, keep doing it. Guilt-free. That is, ever since Pastor Chris Oyakhilome said it was okay.

But before the ladies file down their fingernails and the boys start flexing a bicep through a marathon of self-sexing, maybe we should cool our jets long enough to look at the furore around the Pastor’s comments.  Why so non-plussed by this totally emancipating declaration?   Is it because we grow up learning that liking sex is somehow improper? That anything sexual, covert or overt, outside of reproductive coupling, is a sin?

Of masturbation, Pastor Chris says: “In itself, it is not a sin against God.” 

But many of us are not amused, it would seem.  How come?  Perhaps because majority of us like to be pious.  “Look at me!”  “Check out my devotion to Jesus.”  “Look how tortured I am for my faith.”  “Watch me flagellate myself in an ecstasy of repentance! (Unlike those filthy fornicators.)”

There are those who rate their own closeness to God by estimating how far away others must be.  They are usually people who can recite every Bible verse ever written and tie it in to every life experience ever lived.  But how do we know who is far away from God?  Well, by judging them; imposing our own lofty standards of rectitude on them; and being silently thrilled when they fall short.  That makes us better.  Holier.  Closer to Him.

There are lots of rules about God and how to earn a place in His Kingdom.  Many of us spend a lot of time parroting them and going through the rituals. We wear our shiniest shoes and prettiest frocks on Sunday to go through the motions of praise and worship in magnificent halls filled with heaving throngs of religious revelers.  That’s the way we’ve always done it.  And the way things have always been is probably the way things should remain, right?  Radical changes in perception do not go well with sustainable faith.

Except, the God I believe in is a big-picture kind of guy.  He’s the God of salvation and good vibrations.  The God of love, love and more love, even if that makes him sound like some sort of affable hippie, surely that’s better than the rabid megalomaniac that so many Christians are addicted to. Remember David? A man full of all kinds of sin, yet God gave him a title most Christians would love to wear; “A man after God’s own heart…”

My friend, a devout atheist, likes to pose the hypothetical about a fictitious Tibetan goatherd: a man who is kind, generous and honest.  Without ever explicitly following any of the doctrines or rituals of a Bible he’s never heard of.  When he dies, because he never thanked God, worshipped God or asked God forgiveness for his sins, does the goatherd therefore go to hell?

I guess we choose for ourselves how to interpret religion.  Personally, I struggle to accept that God is some sort of trigger-happy, spiteful score-keeper; lying in wait for me to make even the slightest misstep, so He can balance it out with a hefty comeuppance.  I don’t believe He sits around in vacant churches from Monday to Saturday either, waiting for you to make his week on Sunday.

My God has a sense of humour.  He likes that cheeky T-shirt and doesn’t mind a smidgen of irreverence from time to time. He prefers the ‘Davids’ of this world.   He doesn’t sweat the small stuff. And, if a little release from me to me doesn’t hurt anyone, he’s probably going to be a ‘Father’ – my Father about that too.

My two kobos’ worth.

Over to you.




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Comments (15)

  1. It's actually wrong, either, sinful, unethical or misleading to encourage a diversion from religious norms, whether by Pastor Chris or dear Kathleen. Personally, I have started accepting masturbation, because it's recently being encouraged, even though I know it's wrong and sinful. God probably has a way of apportioning some of the blame/punishment to people who encouraged it, thereby misleading many other people.

    This article shouldn't have been written, especially if religious beliefs and relationship with God is "personal". The writer should have kept her belief to herself.

  2. Quite frankly I don't get the message this article was intended to convey, but it seems consoling enough.

  3. Intersting. I was unaware one needed to be a 'professional' to dabble into religious matters, never mind that we all draw inspiration from the same Bible.

  4. Very well said sister, I don't think anyone could have said it better. You summed the 'godly' quite aptly. You could have been copying this right from my mind.

    Totally enjoyed it.

  5. Funny thing is reading @may's comment again, I can detect a high level of expertise at wanking. Mirror, sit, unbutton, baby oil! WTF!

    Ur pretty well informed mehn. The part that got me tripping is the mirror. Visual feedback tinz…… Yowzers! U own live solo mojo complete with thrills. . . . Lolololol

    Chai, classic hypocrite. I can bet this dude is a wankster! Typical tho! Do as I say n not as I do kinda bloke. Taaa!

  6. Nice piece, but i feel we need to be careful not to get it wrong; we have different measures of grace as individual,what a 5yr old boy will do that will earn him a 'koboko' could take a 20yr old man to jail. we need to remember this: though the work of grace happened once for ALL at the cross, God deals with us as individuals.. just as final judgement is one-on-one.

    II Timothy 2:19 :: "Nevertheless the foundation of God is sure, having this seal, The Lord knows those that are His, and let everyone that called after the name of Christ depart from iniquity".

    The same God that is gracious, loving and kind, is also a consuming fire!

  7. Beautiful piece! Kath hasn't in anyway encouraged or discouraged masturbation on any biblical note so don't judge! Religion is as you interpret it and ultimately ur relationship with God. Members of BH kill people and believe they are doing Allah's work(their own interpretation of Allah's expectations from them) does that in any way make them less true Muslims? So it is ur own understanding and interpretAtion! Kath your ways with words intrigue me all the time! Well done!

  8. Religious bigots ahoy. Let loose the dogs of God~defending.

    Smh. They never disappoint. See that one telling us the “will” and “mind” of God!

    Fact is article is perhaps a tad flippant and does not do justice to the issue, but at least it highlights and puts it out for scrutiny. For that I say kudos.

    On the issue itself, I tend towards ambivalence. There is no middle ground. U either a pro-wankster or anti.

    But the question I'd like to ask the “guardians” of God's will is : how much devolution does ur beloved religion accept before its gone too far? I grew up being told by pious arses things like makeup, hair extensions, even trousers were first class tickets to hell! Now they are the norm even on the alter! Those old farts were stupid or u new goodytwoshoes are?

    I bet in 5yrs stuff like this WILL be advocated as a means of avoiding sin. Anyway I tend not to take u pple serious anymore. Afterall we have perm wearing pastors wit tattoos. Last time I was in bible school that was wrong……. According to u folks

  9. What i wish is to have a visit with God in heaven and ask Him what He thinks about all this … because for all who believe in God, my opinion and your opinion is not what matters but His opinion. If we are all answerable to Him for our actions in the flesh, then i think the onus is on each individual to work out his own salvation, with fear and trembling! "i did it or i didnt do it, because so and so said" is not an excuse that's gonna fly on the last day; if you're condemned for anything by God, atleast, let it be something you did of your own volition; not because you gullibly followed another person's words or actions. Remember that, that person is himself or herself going to answer to God for all of his or her actions. Thankfully, the bible we all use as a reference point is accessible to all; even the physically blind can listen to the tape version.

    I am now going to relax and further the entertainment i have thus far received from this piece by reading all the attending comments. Heeeeeeee …. yawwwwwwwhhhhh!!!!

  10. "We choose for ourselves how to interpret religion" or whether to be religious at all. Some like David set aside the do's and dont's of religion for a life marked by a deep understanding of God that makes you "transgress" and remain guiltless.

  11. Very interesting take and if there's anything one thing that can be agreed upon when it comes to religion, it's that things are open to interpretation.

  12. Now, ​i thought last week piece was a great one but now ​i know that the best is yet to come. Bravo miss Kath

  13. No one can tell you who God is because we each experience Him differently.

    To the author: In an article with religious content, you have not cited a single Bible verse, or anything resembling fact to support your happy-go-lucky article. You forget to mention that as much as God loved David, he was not absolved of his sins. He lost a child, and further consequences were born by his other children. The fact that you even chose an Old Testament example shows you do not understand the principles of Law and Grace.

    You put yourself in a dangerous position, telling people that God doesn't mind a "smidgen of irreverence". I suggest you leave religious matters to the 'professionals'. Do not take His grace for granted.

  14. Man has costantly wnted to please him self against all odds and find a means to justify it. Thou shall not furnicate, that's one of GOD laws hope some one agrees, now before one can practice the act of masturbation he or she needs a face or thought of sex, also before going further let's no that it is also part of GOD Word that the sin of fornication is not just d act it self its d taught of it, then also that what makes a man unclean is not the outer sighns but that inner sighn or taught, going back now pls that makes the act of masturbation a sin, that one need not be ashamed or proud of but to ask CHRIST JESUS the Father of Love to forgive Us and give Us the GRACE to overcome it, no matter how long it takes. What we have now is a group of teachers/people who want to gratify them selves outside GOD wishes then tie it down to human rights, and GOD love, this desires have led to gay practise, and now that's not enough, its now why can't I be on my own without having immoral sex, being gay and just have fun masturbating. One shouldn't be su

    rprised of d followership such thoughts get cos man always wants to eat its cake and have it. Now to you, please sit in front of a mirror button down your trousers, unzip your skirt, begin that act of masturbation probably with baby oil, make sure to gaze at the mirro while doing so, pls also with an image of Christ be it a picture in front of that mirror and after u gratify urself dats if you can continue go down on your knees say thank you JESUS, then say a prayer for the day. If you can do these mentioned confortably without guilt then GOD is probably ok with it or you are not realy a CHRISTIAN "CHRIST LIKE". GOD have mercy on Us all Amen.

  15. Nice!

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail