by Ore Fakorede
You must have heard the news, the world as we know it is ending on Saturday the 21st. It’s really sad, I know. Some of us are still virgins and all. Tragic stuff. Moving on now, I have made a personal decision to go out in grand style and I’m hoping to get a few disciples with this bucket list of must-dos before the world wraps up. Hurry up, we’ve got less than 48 hours to get these done! And don’t forget to have fun, that’s the whole point.
1. Quit your job (if you have one), free time is of the essence. Make your resignation as dramatic as possible e.g. Slap the HR manager, call your boss an incompetent fool, tell the chairman of the company board that you slept with his wife. That way, you’ll never look back.
2. Withdraw your life savings from the bank (or break that half-empty piggybank of yours). Mommy’s boys can just go ahead and steal from Mommy.
3. If you’re a straight male like me, find two hot girls and have an orgiastic threesome on the floor of your father’s bedroom to the rude sounds of P-Square‘s ‘Give It To Me‘. Trust me, until you’re finger-deep in a ménage à trois, you’ll never know what sex really is. P.S. Try getting the ladies drunk first, it’s much easier that way.
4. Rob a neighbourhood store with a wheel spanner and a paper-bag mask on. There’s nothing like a wee bit of juvenile delinquency to get the adrenaline flowing and highlight your name in God’s bad book.
5. French-kiss a member of your sex for ten full minutes. It just might be your moment of discovery followed swiftly by a grand exit from the closet.
6. Smoke a 10-kg pack of marijuana and garnish your meals with some more. Please, don’t ask me who my supplier is, I am not at liberty to say.
7. Watch the four Terminator movies back to back. This isn’t about entertainment, it’s about learning (how to survive an apocalypse)! No popcorn, no dozing and try not to be distracted by the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a cheating scumbag.
8. Drive towards a LASTMA official at top speed. Make sure there’s no traffic jam shortly ahead of you and please don’t knock anyone down in the process.
9. Guys walk up to your male neighbour’s front door in your birthday suit and ask to see his wife or daughter. Girls, strip down and do your laundry on your front porch. You can blame it on the heat later.
10. On Friday night, read through the book of Revelation by candlelight in a dark room. When you’re done, you’ll be convinced that God isn’t all about forgiveness, blessings and manna.