by Israel Raphael

 

If you live in Lagos, Nigeria, then to an extent you know tomorrow.

You know quite how your day will be. You know you will get to work.

 

In this life, everyone has peculiar neuroses.

 

I wish I could dab my way into your tv screen but mo ti weird gan so my own madness may never become pop culture.

But you and I will enter Danfo tomorrow. That much we know.

****************

I moved to Lagos from a less busy city. Being a business consultant, my schedule was packed with meetings and trainings. For three months I did like Genghis Khan and rode an Uber like it was my war horse.

And they ate my money like I was UNICEF.

So I got born again and opted for the humble Danfo.

Then I saw eternal life. Sorry I meant another life.

First of all, introduction: (beat plays) What is a danfo?

 

A Danfo is a transportation institution

Don’t even argue.

They are either yellow with two black stripes or white with one or two green stripes. Old Volkswagen buses made between the 1920s and the 60s. Their seats being long removed, are replaced with benches. What I’m describing as a bench is quite frankly a wooden slab constructed into a metal to ensure enclosure and long lasting fit. Just like the bus in which they sit, they’re what happen when the fundamental state of product meets mistake built to last forever.

Before you start crying let me go straight to the commandments.

1. Learn Street Yoruba

If you’re new to Lagos or you’ve been long here ni l’Eko, find someone to teach you all the street Yoruba you can pick up. Focus on words associated with cheating, stealing, basic geography, groping, being lecherous with a young lady, kidnapping, and all words used on a JJC.

Pay attention to this learning. If you find yourself in the wrong danfo at the wrong hour…

Some street Yoruba could literally save your life.

2. If You Don’t Have Change, You’re The Conductor

This happens especially where there is no conductor or the conductor is out for trouble that day and refuses to acknowledge your big money as money. If you hold N500 or N1000 and you’re going a 50 or 100 naira distance, I use your family people take beg you, just jejely anoint yourself Conductor General and collect money from fellow passengers. When your change is complete, you can release that your N1000 to the driver or whom it may concern.

Forget pride. Collect your full change. Remember, you will enter danfo again.

 

3. Don’t Say A Danfo Conductor Is Frustrated

They mostly are. Just don’t say it. Their daily plan is to take out that inherent frustration on you. Once they offend you (and they will) you’ll be tempted to remind them of their frustration. This will spiral into an argument that will make you look foolish. You’ll lose your sense of cool. I mean look at the guy you’re quarrelling with.

You’re beautiful. You’re humble. You’re wise and sweet and you’re too smart for that.

 

4. Carry An Extra Shirt

Because you will hustle for a bus in early morning rush or just after it rains. I have a theory that danfo association pays nighttime weather scientists (also known as rainmakers — basically sorcerers) to draw rain so they can dramatically hike fares and rake in fat cash when the rain subsides.

Again, you don’t know the day some *stray Ogun inside the bus will hug you and *teeyyaahh your shirt. That day will come. Ladies, please take my advice. You people are always wearing chiffon tops. Madam #slayqueen #otanspicy #iopeuremember that Lagos people don’t shut their eyes and me I will not loose my single wrapper to cover you.

I don’t want to see your many things on Instagram.

 

5. Say “Conductor My Change O” 7 times.

And louder each time you say it. Otherwise, *evil laugh*, they will drive off with your money. I am convinced most conductors have other jail worthy activities. Conductor na side hustle. The word JJC (johnny just come) is not common anymore.

And even though Friesland Campina is not sponsoring JJC, the phenomenon is at its peak!

 

6. KNOW HOW TO SHOUT!

8pm one evening, I took a bus from Ojuelegba to Onipan. No conductor. I Gave the driver N500. He said he didn’t have change. I waited for him to collect money from other passengers. I arrived Onipan. Oya give me my change nau, the driver said “no.” AS IN NO!

I shouted like a madman. 0 –100 in 1 second. The N450 dropped into my hand like those eggs in Kung Fu Panda 3.

Class work:: Oya shout. “Ah!”

Nope try again. “Aaaahhh! Are you mad?”

Alright, no cussing. But your shout was good. Next time try to sound coarse and gruff.

7. Don’t Rest!

I’m heading to Omole Phase 2 via Ojodu Berger. I enter a danfo at Ojota. Two remaining seats in front of me. A woman climbs in. So does another into the seat in front of the first woman. Woman number 2 tries to get comfortable in her seat…

“Ah madam, don’t rest o.”

Woman number 1 louds it at her.

Translation: Don’t lean back into your seat.

You will “But why? For my own seat again? That I paid for?”

Two reasons. 1- Is it your seat? Can you truthfully call that thing a seat? Do you honestly feel like you’re seating down?

2- if you’re seating in front of me, then don’t scatter my knees for my future wife that I’ve not met.

I want to still have legs to stand like Banky W next to my own Adesua Etomi.

 

8. Stroll To The Bustop Before Your Own

So you want to get to Stadium double time. You are at Fadeyi, joor stroll backwards as if you want to go to Total abi am I mixing it up? Just go a few blocks before where you actually want to catch the danfo. Why?

Danfo drivers will stop for anything in skirt or trouser that moves. Time wasting. This means if you’re in a hurry, the buses AND the best seats will fill before they get to you.

 

9. Memorise Your Route Times

Since the traffic situation occurs mostly morning and evening, people have to leave their homes early to meet up with work hours. The chaos is so organised that being 5 minutes behind departure time can cost you 1–3 hours and mess up your work schedule.

Memorise your route times or your lateness will have a chieftaincy title.

 

10. Don’t Sit At The Back Seats

The Danfo engine is void of any form of padding or sound proofing. And the engine is right at the back seats. Exhaust fumes, heat and engine noise will interact forcibly with your emotional balance. Since Lagosians have been known to endure such level of CO2 poisoining and not die,

I’ve come to the conclusion that Lagos commuters suffer carbon monoxide intoxication.

Another issue is the smell. May God protect me from the odours my over-sensitive my nose can pick up. The closer to the back you seat, the worse the smell. First of all, market women carry tomatoes (some already rotting) palm wine, all sorts of dried and smoked fish. (I like fish smell one kain). The wind blows from front to back so people with body odour and chronic halitosis will affect your destiny. You will prophetically know the past life of people you have not yet seen by their smells.

In the ensuing confusion, you will misplace your boyfriend.

Who will seat at the back of a Danfo? Another person.

 

*************

Stray ogun — metaphor for piece of iron bus parts sticking dangerously out.

Danfo — popular Lagos commuter buses.

Jejely — common street Yoruba term. Used to mean > gently, politely, quietly, calmly, softly.

teeyyaahh — Lol, my dear that’s the sound of your shirt tearing.

---

Op–ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija

Israel Raphael is a business developer & content strategist. He is the Author of bit.ly/30BPS and Startup founder. He’s been a scientist, engineer, and more recently musician.