We all agree that Nigeria’s Information Minister—Labaran Maku—does make a lot of noise. The man has an honorary degree in provocation.

New GEJ app launched

A new phone application—The Gaffe-boss—has been released in honour of President Jonathan by an underground tech group called “Goodluck Watch.” According to its designers, The Gaffe-boss is a phone app which anticipates the gaffes of President Jonathan on any issue. When a keyword is typed into the app, it immediately predicts the kind of response the president would have given if he was directly asked a question about that keyword. For instance, if the name of Petroleum Minister, Diezani Madueke is typed, this is what comes out as the president’s response: “The work she is doing as minister is as beautiful as she is. I’ll rather sack myself than sack her.”

If you type- “Nigeria’s rising debt” into the app, the presidential response is: “The coordinating minister Ngozi said that our debt is okay, therefore its okay. Those people saying the debt is too much should come and tell us whether they have ever almost been World Bank president before.” Early users of the app have called on the president to endorse it because the results sound so much like things he would actually say.

Title-mania grips Nigeria

The desire for titles by Nigerians is widely recognized worldwide. However, the title-mania has assumed another dimension with Nigerians now adopting a saying that “if title will not come to Wazobia, then Wazobia must go to title.” Some of the more popular self-inflicted titles include: “Friend of the president,” noticed on a complimentary card, and “Office of the former deputy governor,” noticed on a signpost. Other beautiful titles include a letterhead paper which had “An old classmate to the governor’s wife”, a signpost bearing; “This land belongs to the chief critic of Mr President”, and a car which had the following words boldly crested on it, “I am the sister to the Woman leader of the largest party in the black race.”

Gov Rochas rebrands Imo

Gov Aregbesola of Osun recently rebranded Osun State as “State of Osun,” and adopted a state anthem and flag. Now Imo State governor, Rochas Okorocha, is following suit, albeit in a slightly different form. The governor said his decision to grant four days of holiday last week to Imo State workers was part of his rebranding strategy. He said “gone are the days when the Imolite is looked upon as a common hustler.” He announced that henceforth Imo State would be known as the “Ajebutter hub” of the nation and promised to spoil them with so much public holidays until they become unrecognizable due to over-freshness. Finally, he decreed that the new Imo anthem is “Shine-shine bobo,” while “Star” is now the official beer.

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

We all agree that Nigeria’s Information Minister—Labaran Maku—does make a lot of noise. The man has an honorary degree in provocation. His call on the US embassy not to issue travel warnings to their citizens planning on visiting Nigeria is very pesky, especially since it turns out that the intelligence from the Americans is usually accurate. Recently, we heard that he asked Nigerians complaining about the country to either change nationality or go on exile. As much as that sounds like something Maku is capable of saying, he never made the said statement. He only gave that ultimatum to those “who have enjoyed this country in the past but because of their failed ambitions began to propagate Nigeria’s division.” On this point, A Pinch….agrees (shock!) with Maku. Those who formulated and attributed the false quote to him are misleading clowns and they take the CeeCee award. But because Mr. Maku has a natural propensity for clownishness, he would share the CeeCee with his detractors today. And yes—A Pinch—has the right to do that.

 

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Editor’s note: Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.