The end of time – and more, in today’s news round-up with Cheta Nwanze

The world is meant to end today according to those who translated the Mayan calendar while cradling a bottle of tequila.

First off, to all of you who emailed yesterday, I’m so sorry about not sending this thing. I was fetching fuel in Ojo. Also, my Etisalat internet failed to connect the whole day, and MTN was not any better. On the same day, my blackberry, which is serviced by Airtel was delivering messages in quite a delayed fashion. Yes, I have three SIM cards about my person, and the services rendered by each of them makes me wonder about the benefits, real or imagined, of number portability. Will it work? At the very least, it will give people a shot at more efficient services while retaining the phone number they’ve been known with forever. However, most of our telcos, and the NCC are not so keen as deadline after deadline has elapsed with more excuses coming up. Now, following their “network upgrade”, it would appear that Airtel is willing to break with the fold and give us what we want.

In terms of giving us what we want, the National Assembly yesterday passed a N4.987 trillion budget for 2013. That is N63 billion more than the President had initially requested, but the legislators are justifying the difference in the raised benchmark price of crude oil. Somehow, the maths does not add up for me, but my poor brain is winding down for next week’s festivities, so I’m in no mood to figure out how a 5.33% increase in a N4.924 trillion budget translates to just N63 billion and not N228 billion. Again, maybe my budgetary mathematics is way off, but I’d rather that difference is explained to me now, and not as a N165 billion supplementary budget towards the end of 2013. But it is not just about taking. The legislators want to know whether the Vice President’s residence will be made from titanium. Maybe the extra was used to pay for Nkiru Sylvanu’s ransom. She’s been let loose.

That is if we are there to celebrate the end of 2013. The world is meant to end today according to those who translated the Mayan calendar while cradling a bottle of tequila. On my part, I’m not sure that the Mayans had such a thing in mind, but I’m more interested in that drink that comes from their shores. You see, tequila, is a very interesting drink. It has the power to take all of your problems away for the moment at least, which is why itself, and its other assorted cousins such as rum are very popular with sailors. They drink them while they are depressed at sea. Nigerian sailors take such drinks while they are waiting in the ports for clearance to berth. I’m sure it will interest some of you to know that our port waiting times are some of the longest on the planet, and this speaks to the geriatric nature of our Ports Authority. Sadly, that geriatric nature has just become older as the President has appointed a certain Tony Anenih to head the NPA.

Tony Anenih!

This is a government that claims to be serious about fighting corruption? Well, it’s not too bad. Today is Friday, so I may as well start with the tequila now.

Bits and bobs

A national tragedy occurred yesterday as the eyesore that styles itself as our main international airport failed to go up in smoke.

After consoling Alhaji Maigari on the death of his daughter, Senator Goje and his aides zoomed off; and crashed into Haruna Maigari, 18.

Burkina Faso, Zambia and Ethiopia in that order are rubbing their hands with relish at the prospect of beating our formerly super Eagles at the Nations Cup. The NFF has admitted that it is owing The Big Boss two months of wages. BB is yet to complain though, which means that either he’s making a tidy sum elsewhere as all good Nigerian civil servants do, or the bar that is meant to be passed into his account is so tiny that he has yet to notice.

Former Kogi governor Abu Audu has been declared wanted by the EFCC. Safe from hiding, the erstwhile immune chap is trying to get the courts to prevent the EFCC from prosecuting him for ever and ever. Amen.
I once used Globacom. Ran back to Airtel.



Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

One comment

  1. Jesus said, I don't know, the angels don't know, only my father do

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cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail