by Anna Breslaw
If you find a guy who can banter on text, marry him. Just kidding, kind of!
1. The “flirts with everybody” guy. When we go to some Da Club or another, there is absolutely no reason I should be trying to fend off some leering dude with a ZZ Top beard because you are preoccupied with hitting on the bottle service girl. Vaya con dios.
2. The “won’t go down on you” guy. There is literally no good excuse not to do this if we just gave you oral sex. Quid pro quo, motherfucker. And if you’re one of those dudes who insists that cunnilingus is “more intimate” than blowjobs, you’ve obviously never had an erect penis knocking against your tonsils.
3. The “nobody knows she’s pretty except me because she wears glasses!” guy. This dude prides himself on finding “understated” hotties in the wild. By “understated,” of course, we mean the She’s All That principle of “an obviously smokin’ hot woman who happens to wear glasses/Converse sneakers/doesn’t ‘know’ that she is attractive.” This is less menacing than dating a woman who is actually physically self-confident and aware of her own sex appeal.
4. The “searching for his Manic Pixie Dream Girl” guy. Like parasites with twee scores, Garden State, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and 500 Days of Summer have wormed their way inside certain dudes’ brains and convinced them that all they need is a woman who will Make Them Feel Alive. (Read: A woman who is beautiful, a nympho, sort of crazy, probably dyes her hair with Manic Panic, and says shit like “I can smell colors! Can’t you?! Life!!”) This does not include sane, normal women who like eating burritos, watching TV, and having other interests besides teaching him how to Paint With All The Colors of the Wind, or whatever the fuck. Vomit.
5. The “cannot or will not make plans in advance” guy. Clarification: There is a branch of this type who is fully aware that making dates in advance signifies that you respect the woman and want to be legit with her — and, knowing this, purposely avoids any pre-planning besides a 7 PM text for a 11 PM booty call so as not to give you “the wrong idea.”
6. The “but I’m such a nice guy!” guy. Unlucky in love, he harps on the oversold rom-com concept that women only like assholes. The truth is that women are Human Beings (I know, it’s shocking) who like men who have more than one side to them, not just selections from the category of “asshole” or “nice guy.” Say, someone who will go to Anthropologie with you to pick out curtains and then fuck the shit out of you. Unfortunately, this guy is so busy patronizing the motives of women who dump him to realize that.
7. The “your job is so adorable” guy. This guy takes advantage of every opportunity to be condescending about your career, even if his own (or lack thereof) is far less impressive. Or — if you are in a creative career — that your parents foot the bill. I once sat through an entire dinner of my date making jokes about my job as a “penis article writer.” (He was an unpaid intern at a Brooklyn literary magazine.)
8. The awful/ambiguous text messager. While you and your female friends effortlessly send texts so articulate that they’re practically Shakespearean, dudes are generally not quite there yet. If you find a guy who can banter on text, marry him. Just kidding, kind of!
9. The “bad in bed but unreceptive to suggestions” guy. His moves aren’t doing it for you, but you can tell he really wants to please you, and has so much confidence in his dumb-ass moves. Is it because his last girlfriend really liked them? Was she a mutant whose clit was in the wrong place? You don’t want to hurt his feelings, and you appreciate that he is enthusiastic about getting you off, but your eyeball cannot withstand any more licking.
10. The guy who is a dick to people in the service industry. The guy who turns to you after a Hispanic busboy leaves the table and says, “Dude, you’re in America. Speak English.” You are actually doing the entire free world a disservice if you let that guy inside you.
11. The dude who quotes Peter Griffin from Family Guy. He thinks racist, sexist jokes are funny just for “shock value.” He likes Daniel Tosh and spits out “Make me a sandwich” jokes like an endlessly unfunny batting cage pitching machine. If you ask me, all that alpha-male peacocking just means he is trying to overcompensate for the fact that he has a fetish for having a woman stomp on his balls in high heels while calling him “Amanda.”
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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.