#IDon’tGiveADamn: “Thus Saith the Clueless King” – Part 2

by Dada Olusegun

And it came to pass that on the twenty fourth day of the sixth month of the second year of the jubilee, the Clueless king decided to field questions from the independent town criers from the Kingdom of Naijaria. After gulping several kegs of ogogoro, the Clueless King appeared in his full regalia doning his legendary crown at the information chamber of the palace on the hill fully prepared to field questions from the criers.

Clueless King: hahaha you people are welcome to my palace, has the wall gecko Rhino, the son of Humoki served you with cassava bread yet?

Independent Town criers: thank you great King, we have been taken care of.

Clueless king; we can now proceed, I am ready for you people! Rubenus the son of Abat and Labalaba the son of OMaku have coached me greatly. Oya bring it on!

1st Male crier: great king, the citizens of Naijaria are unhappy that you travelled to the Kingdom of Braz when there was crisis in the kingdom.

Clueless King; (gulps) don’t mind the citizens! The trip to the kingdom of Braz was very important! More important than any citizen’s life. if I didn’t go on that trip, the Haramites would have probably been rejoicing in their camps thinking they have won the battle! They can never defeat me.

2nd male crier; dear king, when you travelled to the kingdom of Braz, who was in charge? Did u handover to Namad the son of Samobria the cattle rearer?

Clueless King; are you a mad goat? Why will I handover to that mumu? I handed over to God! He was in charge he always has and always will be. I am just a decoration (smiles)

3rd male crier; how do you always feel when you hear that the Haramites murder and maim your citizens dear king?

Clueless King; were you blind when I came to the province of Lagoon when some citizens died? I cry all the time (*wipes tear*). It is always a sad moment for me (*sips ogogoro*). Very sad.

Female crier; great king, why was Azizu your adviser on security and the Minister of the Kingdom’s defense sacked?

Clueless King; that Azizu has had it coming for a long time, even though he is my tribesman, he always says nonsense to you people but maybe Rubenus the son of Abat can clarify better on that. I can’t really remember his official offense.

1st Male crier; dear king, is it true that you are in dialogue with the sons of the Haramites who have continually wrecked havoc on the citizens of Naijaria?

Clueless King; Dia-gini? Never! We shall never dialogue with them, those wicked people? Me I am afraid of them oo. I can’t allow the haramites bomb me under the guise of dialogue. Nothing like that (*sips ogogoro again and laughs hysterically*)

3rd male crier; great king, when will the list of the sponsors of the haramites you claim to have in your possession be release?

Clueless King; (evil grin) which list? You people don’t know when one is joking. I was drunk the day I said that one ooo. Can’t a king joke with his people again?

Female crier; some people believe you will contest the kingship again in the fifth year of jubilee, is this true Great king?

Clueless King; (*rolls off the couch laughing*) you people will not kill me! What is there in being king again for four more years? I can’t say for now, I am still consulting with my friend the Jegadu the head of the Royal electoral council when we agree on some terms. Nothing do me. Hehehehe (*sips ogogoro again*)

Female crier; the citizens of Naijaria are complaining that you have not performed in the last one year. You promised them fresh air during your campaigns for king. When will they start enjoying the benefits of your reign?

Clueless King; the citizens of Naijaria are ungrateful! They are bloody ingrates! How can they say there is no fresh air of transformation? How on earth? I brought Facebook to the Kingdom! isn’t that enough? Okay I want to now say this today! All those who are abusing me today all those rebel tribes of the twittarites, I promise you that by the third year of the Jubilee, they will start praising me and praying for me! I am just starting. You people don’t know anything ooo! The province of Bayesia was just a test tube for me. I am still experimenting. Just wait till the 3rd year of the jubilee. You will see!

2nd Male reporter; great King, kindly share your thoughts on the saga between Facrook the Kanoite and Famo the son of Otedollar.

Clueless King; (laughs hysterically) in my opinion, Facrook has broken the basic law of my government which states that “if you must steal, you must be the president’s anointed thief–nothing more, nothing less!” Famo the son of Otedollar is my friend just like King Barak but I swear I didn’t set Facrook up (*touches ground with finger and licks it*).

1st male crier; O king, some people think you are a corrupt person, are you? Do you have anything to hide?

Clueless King; me corrupt? Are you a lizard? If I was corrupt, will I ask Riba-Riba to join my government? Ibro the son of Lamrod once probed me when I was the governor of my province, yet I allowed him to be the man in charge of corruption in my kingdom! I don’t have a wallet or even put money in my pocket and you people still think I am corrupt. You people should leave me alone sef (*frowns*)

1st male crier; I am very sorry sir. Forgive me

Clueless king; don’t try that nonsense again oooo!

Female crier; dear king, why have you not declared your assets yet even after everyone in the kingdom keeps asking you to?

Clueless King; are you mad? You this stupid girl! Who do you think you are? Are you even as beautiful as queen gbags? What’s anyone’s business with me declaring my assets? Did their Daddys gather the assets for me? Where were they when I didn’t have any shoes? When I was trekking from the province of Bayesia to Abakalikali? Where were they when I didn’t have any money in my pocket? If they are not happy they can go and die! I will not declare any assets and I-DONT-GIVE-A-DAMN what anyone says! I-DONT-GIVE-A-DAMN you hear me? I-DONT-GIVE-A-DAMN!!!

Independent Criers; sorry sir! We are very sorry. Don’t be angry great king.

Clueless king; I-DONT-GIVE-A-DAMN

1st male crier; did you enjoy your trip to the kingdom of Braz great king? Did you find the ladies attractive?

Clueless King; yes ermmmmmm #IdontGiveAdamn

Female crier; how is our wonderful queen gbags sir?

Clueless King; #IdontGiveAdamn

2nd male crier; are you okay sir?

Clueless king; don’t ask me! #IdontGiveAdamn

3rd male crier; thank you very much for granting the chat, have a wonderful day sir!

Clueless King; #IdontGiveAdamn #IdontGiveAdamn #IdontGiveAdamn

As the clueless King enters the palace chamber, all the servants, men of the inner circle, chiefs and all the king’s friends give the king a standing ovation as they chorus: “O King! Thou art great and this cluelessness will never end”

And the king was glad and he declared a feast in his honour for doing a great job for his people. He then asked Rubenus to summon his favorite musician Dbanjosky to grace the ball and Braz hairs were shared at the palace as souvenirs for the ladies who joined in the praise for the king. They partied till the break of dawn.

*Follow the writer @Dolusegun on twitter

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cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail